The Familiarity Asymptote

So when’s the right time to ask your girlfriend if she wants it up the arse? Seven months.

That’s a worst-case scenario, with a vaguely unadventurous anal virgin that claims to have no interest whatsoever in having your willy in her bum. Seven months into your relationship, you can ask any girl about anal sex and chances are she’ll be comfortable with at least trying. And if she’s not, then you’d have the legitimate right to dump her, one which would stand up in court just as well as her murdering your pet rabbit or not giving head. At least, it stood up in court during the 1987 flick, “Barely Legal 2: Soliciting the Asstorney”, which I recommend entirely.

I’m digressing already, but I’m serious about that seven month time-span. And it’s not just because you’ve persuaded her round to it using time, pressure and neuro-linguistic programming. It’s because she wants to do it. She always has done. Almost all girls - I don’t care who – have some part of them that wants to be dirty and taboo and broaden their base sexual experiences. Not in a casual, tell-your-mates-down-the-pub “yeah, I wouldn’t mind it up the shitter” kind of way. But at the right time, in the right place, with the im/perfect guy; at that junction of the cosmos which implodes through her viscera as white-hot shards of utter, quenchless carnality, almost every single girl you know would love to have a whanger pushed nuts-to-guts up her chocolate starfish.

Perhaps you don’t believe me, and that’s fine. Like I give Elvis’ last shit about your opinion. My point is, more broadly: You and your partner will not open up, completely, in a sexual way from the word go. You’ll hold back all your myriad, perverted fantasies until you trust, respect and understand each other enough to go out and buy the nun’s outfit and get it on in such gratuitous, soul-scraping ways that god himself would blush. If you don’t need to wait, you’re probably having a fling. In which case the rest of this won’t apply to you.

Because all of this talk about ass-sex is exactly analogous to opening up mentally. Just like you wouldn’t put your head in the pillows within relative moments of meeting someone, neither would you open up your deepest, darkest secrets and traits. Not until the time is right. And even when the time is right, there are still a thousand deeper points which remain untold until their right times. This is where the cunt lies.

1. You don’t know the person you love. I know you think you do, but you don’t. Not unless you’re sitting old and grey, holding hands and looking back on the forty years you’ve had together. Then, perhaps, you almost know them.

Plus a whole series of follow-up cuntitudes that are, paradoxically, results and contributory factors of (1):

2. Rose-tints colour everything. Whether you’re falling in love, in love or even simply fancying someone, you will barely glimpse the shadows.

3a. Love will occlude knowing each other initially. You will act differently when you want someone to love you. If they do, they will act differently too.

3b. Love will occlude knowing each other forever. Relationships comprise a continuous stream of compromise and sacrifice, which are just nice ways of saying you aren’t being yourselves.

4. People are dynamic. They change, every day, because of themselves, things around them, things you can’t see and you. Keep up.

5. Women are complex and inscrutable. Fucking women.

6. Men are simple and inscrutable. Emotionally retarded bastards.

7. People are stupid. Especially you, and that doesn’t help.

8. I can’t believe I went out with someone like that! This is what you say when you eventually do know them and have split apart on the jagged rocks of decoupling.

Just like you didn’t know your partner was into anal until seven months into your relationship, there are a thousand other, more important things that you won’t know until the vanishing point of infinity or your break-up, whichever comes soonest.