Love? pfffff!
Lately, a lot of my friends have been meeting that special someone, getting engaged, or even married. Depending on what occassion it is, I send them words of encouragement and support. I really want for everyone to find their true love. And this is not on some superficial level. I don't just say such things to them, because that's what's expected. No, I truly mean it straight from my heart. If they're happy, then be sure that I'm smiling for them. I can feel their butterflies, their nervousness, their lust, their joy, as if all of their feelings were contagious and i just caught them. So I wish them all the best, lot's of love, happiness, and good luck.
I was mopping the floor today, when it hit me. What if I'm jinxing them? What if my wishes of good luck and beyond only give them false hope, when they're already wearing red-shaded glasses? One couple actually framed the letter I wrote them for their wedding. That marriage has already failed. I know I can't be blamed, but what if? Perhaps it would be best to say soemthing like actors do. They say, "break a leg." That's not very encouraging. Maybe this is what all these lovebirds need too. So I've decided I need to come up with new words of encouragement.
To those of you setting out for the date with that special someone, I'd like to say:
"I hope that person takes one look at you and decides to use their escape plan, even if this means crawling through the bathroom window, or having their obnoxious ex "accidentally" run into you both and ask them back out to which they'll say yes of course, leaving you sitting there with a stupid look on your face, heart-broken, and growing colder in the idea of ever meeting the right person."
To those of you who just got engaged, I'd like to say:
"Clearly your beloved will return to sanity soon, only to realize what a hopeless case you are, they'll write you a long "Dear John" letter, in which they point out your many flaws, such as that nasal way you drone on about nothing in particular, the way you smell oddly enough like their grandfather's feet, the way you make that hacking noise in the shower, and basically everything else they hate about you, which is everything. Then they'll leave you for your best friend, who recently took your sister's virginity and left her to become the whore that she is meant to be. You'll be left with a bare apartment, the cat you're allergic too, and all of the bills. You'll lose hope in humanity and try to forget you even said the word love outloud, and you'll promise never to do it again."
To those of you who are now married, I'd like to say:
"I hope that your partner rips your heart out, while you stand there watching in amazement, as they eat it live and leave you dripping in a pool of your own blood. At least this way you won't be left to suffer the drawn out and life squashing divorce trials, where you'll fight over your bratty, mis-behaving, overweight, dumb children, a wreck of a house with an enormous mortgage, and every last fork in the dishwasher. Rest in peace you stupid, sorry, naive, cunt."
Who says cleaning is no-brainer work? I would say these things, but I'm incapable of it. So to all of you lovers and dreamers out there:
"May you love truly, now and for the rest of your life."
I was mopping the floor today, when it hit me. What if I'm jinxing them? What if my wishes of good luck and beyond only give them false hope, when they're already wearing red-shaded glasses? One couple actually framed the letter I wrote them for their wedding. That marriage has already failed. I know I can't be blamed, but what if? Perhaps it would be best to say soemthing like actors do. They say, "break a leg." That's not very encouraging. Maybe this is what all these lovebirds need too. So I've decided I need to come up with new words of encouragement.
To those of you setting out for the date with that special someone, I'd like to say:
"I hope that person takes one look at you and decides to use their escape plan, even if this means crawling through the bathroom window, or having their obnoxious ex "accidentally" run into you both and ask them back out to which they'll say yes of course, leaving you sitting there with a stupid look on your face, heart-broken, and growing colder in the idea of ever meeting the right person."
To those of you who just got engaged, I'd like to say:
"Clearly your beloved will return to sanity soon, only to realize what a hopeless case you are, they'll write you a long "Dear John" letter, in which they point out your many flaws, such as that nasal way you drone on about nothing in particular, the way you smell oddly enough like their grandfather's feet, the way you make that hacking noise in the shower, and basically everything else they hate about you, which is everything. Then they'll leave you for your best friend, who recently took your sister's virginity and left her to become the whore that she is meant to be. You'll be left with a bare apartment, the cat you're allergic too, and all of the bills. You'll lose hope in humanity and try to forget you even said the word love outloud, and you'll promise never to do it again."
To those of you who are now married, I'd like to say:
"I hope that your partner rips your heart out, while you stand there watching in amazement, as they eat it live and leave you dripping in a pool of your own blood. At least this way you won't be left to suffer the drawn out and life squashing divorce trials, where you'll fight over your bratty, mis-behaving, overweight, dumb children, a wreck of a house with an enormous mortgage, and every last fork in the dishwasher. Rest in peace you stupid, sorry, naive, cunt."
Who says cleaning is no-brainer work? I would say these things, but I'm incapable of it. So to all of you lovers and dreamers out there:
"May you love truly, now and for the rest of your life."
posted by pillowfeather | 10:17 pm
The most brilliant example of masked bitterness I've seen in a long while. Glad you got some of it off your chest.