Loose Lips...
So the other day I met some bint. The UK exhibits a bintancy rate of 7.5 bints per hour, so it’s hard to go anywhere without encountering one. During the course of our dialogue, she mentioned that – though she doesn’t really sleep around - she swaps saliva with circa. 100 guys a year (a statistic she, herself, quoted). That put a mild sense of nausea in my stomach and I’m about to figure out why, during the course of this post, in real-time, for you all to see the twisted workings of my thought process.
Why do I need to figure this out? Because, simply put, if she was a guy I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. Is this a double standard? Am I sexist? These questions worry me because, although I’m a vicious bastard, I’m strongly against illogical prejudice.
I once watched a programme about a girl that, through cruelty of nature, was born with a face like a macadamised orangutan and had an operation to correct it. The first thing she did afterwards? Hit the clubs and copped off with as many men as possible, in order to forge some sort of newfound self-respect. I’m not saying that this was the right thing to do. I’m only mentioning it, because – what if she was a guy? Would he have spent £2.25 to get to Ibiza and been able to glean lukewarm feelings of acceptance from girls that his face was no longer fucked? No – not to the same extent. Why? Because girls reciprocate casual snogs for guys for totally different reasons to why guys reciprocate casual snogs for girls.
Follow along, here. This gets complicated.
The 100-a-year girl said that she did it because she had low self-esteem – much like the surgically corrected orang-utan face. That made sense to me. The reason, I mean. Not the conclusion that she’d actually rectify her self-loathing by doing what she was doing. But the reason was sound, in that – there appears to be some form of social acceptance going on when a girl goes for a guy and they kiss. But is there, really? Let’s go at a completely obvious tangent …
The Completely Obvious Tangent
If a guy approaches a girl randomly in a nightclub, the chance that he’ll taste the microbial soup of her last meal depends on (roughly prioritised) how confident he is, how good looking he is, how affable he is, how funny he is, how comfortable he makes her feel and how many drinks he buys her. It’s a mission. If it succeeds, that’s a sense of conquest for the guy. He’s sold himself to her. It was, essentially, some good work. Especially so, if the girl was desirable.
Now we take the situation of a girl approaching a guy randomly in a nightclub. Will she take the pulse of his tonsils with her tongue? Well, the chances all depend on how minging she is and how drunk or attached he is. That’s it. That is all. For pretty girls (and let’s remember, for a girl in a dark club full of tipsy guys, to look ugly is very hard indeed), the equation is even simpler – the only reason he wouldn’t is if he’s faithfully attached. Statistically, one guy in every seventeen billion fulfils the “faithfully attached” criteria. So where’s the good work? Where’s the conquest? There isn’t any. It’s easy as fuck.
Okay, okay – so some single guys might not want to snog random girls and it could take some work on the part of the attractive girl to win said guys over. But you know – tchyeah, right. Those guys are gay. Also, I’m generalising.
Righto; we’ve reached the point where I can explain how much easier it is for girls to snog guys than the other way around. Girls have it easier, because guys have lower thresholds for sharing saliva. Guys have it harder, because girls are a bit more reserved about who puts bits of themselves in them. That’s pretty obvious - we all knew that already. Girls have higher, stricter standards, natch. But why does this mean that I think girls that snog a hundred guys a year are more aberrant than guys that do the same with girls?
It’s more tied in with the original ideas I was musing on. Why we do it. So let’s go back to the original train of thought.
The Original Train of Thought
So there are people that use kissing as a way to alleviate their low self-esteem. That could work. It’s just social acceptance in the form of another party accepting an invasion of their mouth with your tongue. But from the obvious tangent I just made, it’s perhaps more a case that guys can use kissing in this way, but girls cannot. By the definition of guys having non-existent standards in the first place – as we all knew anyway – getting off with a guy is just something that any girl can do. It’s not social acceptance. It’s pretending to be, but it’s not.
But you know – I felt like stoving her chlamydia-drenched face in before she told me her reason for snogging so many guys. So clearly, caning her reason isn’t quite enough to atone for my double standard. No – I have to cane every single other reason a girl could give for whoring her mouth out.
Every Single Other Reason
So how about other neurosis-based reasons for kissing a lot of strangers? Power-tripping? Conquest? Same story. On the girl’s side – it pretends to be but isn’t; on the guy’s side, perhaps it could work.
Nothing will budge this double standard. In fact, it’s not even a double standard. It’s two, totally separate standards. The dynamics, causes and effects of random snogging are completely different on each side of the gender divide, and the two standards exist because of this. Once we both have equivalent lustings for getting off with someone, then it will cease to exist. But that’ll never happen.
But there’s one last non-trivial reason that guys and girls give for kissing the great, unwashed masses in their hundreds, and it’s nothing to do with social or personal neuroses:
What about snogging for fun? It’s a laugh!
Now – this is the only reason that I’d accept. On the face of it, I’d even say it was plausible. So why is it, that even in the face of this reason, do I feel that guys can use this reasons but girls cannot?
It’s a matter of character and conviction.
When a guy snogs a girl, the guy wants to fuck that girl. That’s a given. Show me a guy that will get off with someone, and not want to screw them, and I’ll show you the regurgitated remnants of my hat. And that’s fine. Wanting to have sex with a stranger isn’t particularly wrong or disgusting – in fact, it’s fucking cool.
And you know? I’d say the same goes for girls. Girls that snog around, with the express hope of achieving multiple, ejaculatory orgasm with the guy later that night, are cool. I like them. I admire that they have the conviction to fuck people they want to fuck for the sake of fuck, and that they’re usually doing it against the grain of cuntish public opinion. Splendid.
But see - it’s the girls that snog guys without following through that make me sick. The ones that slip their tongue into the mouths of so many blokes that it becomes hard to pin down the number, but can count the number of guys they’ve actually shagged on three and a half fingers. You know the ones I mean - the ones with no character or conviction.
Look – there are some girls that like kissing on occasion, whatever – this isn’t aimed at them. That’s fine – that is just a bit of fun. This post is worded at girls like the one I met, whose mouth is open to exploration by several guys a week for years. That’s not a bit of fun. That’s fucking damaged.
And, ironically, probably more to do with self-esteem issues. She can’t bring herself to fuck but can go through the foreplay to make sure guys fancy her. Therefore negating the reason that she’s really doing it for fun, anyway, and bringing us round in a full circle to meet the sound thrashing I gave the self-esteem reason earlier.
So there you have it. No double standards, no sexism - I think girls like the one I met are absolute trollops. Stop half-arsing about the place and either stay frigid or be promiscuous. Everything else is just damaged fucking confusion.
Prick-teasing bints. Bah.
Why do I need to figure this out? Because, simply put, if she was a guy I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. Is this a double standard? Am I sexist? These questions worry me because, although I’m a vicious bastard, I’m strongly against illogical prejudice.
I once watched a programme about a girl that, through cruelty of nature, was born with a face like a macadamised orangutan and had an operation to correct it. The first thing she did afterwards? Hit the clubs and copped off with as many men as possible, in order to forge some sort of newfound self-respect. I’m not saying that this was the right thing to do. I’m only mentioning it, because – what if she was a guy? Would he have spent £2.25 to get to Ibiza and been able to glean lukewarm feelings of acceptance from girls that his face was no longer fucked? No – not to the same extent. Why? Because girls reciprocate casual snogs for guys for totally different reasons to why guys reciprocate casual snogs for girls.
Follow along, here. This gets complicated.
The 100-a-year girl said that she did it because she had low self-esteem – much like the surgically corrected orang-utan face. That made sense to me. The reason, I mean. Not the conclusion that she’d actually rectify her self-loathing by doing what she was doing. But the reason was sound, in that – there appears to be some form of social acceptance going on when a girl goes for a guy and they kiss. But is there, really? Let’s go at a completely obvious tangent …
The Completely Obvious Tangent
If a guy approaches a girl randomly in a nightclub, the chance that he’ll taste the microbial soup of her last meal depends on (roughly prioritised) how confident he is, how good looking he is, how affable he is, how funny he is, how comfortable he makes her feel and how many drinks he buys her. It’s a mission. If it succeeds, that’s a sense of conquest for the guy. He’s sold himself to her. It was, essentially, some good work. Especially so, if the girl was desirable.
Now we take the situation of a girl approaching a guy randomly in a nightclub. Will she take the pulse of his tonsils with her tongue? Well, the chances all depend on how minging she is and how drunk or attached he is. That’s it. That is all. For pretty girls (and let’s remember, for a girl in a dark club full of tipsy guys, to look ugly is very hard indeed), the equation is even simpler – the only reason he wouldn’t is if he’s faithfully attached. Statistically, one guy in every seventeen billion fulfils the “faithfully attached” criteria. So where’s the good work? Where’s the conquest? There isn’t any. It’s easy as fuck.
Okay, okay – so some single guys might not want to snog random girls and it could take some work on the part of the attractive girl to win said guys over. But you know – tchyeah, right. Those guys are gay. Also, I’m generalising.
Righto; we’ve reached the point where I can explain how much easier it is for girls to snog guys than the other way around. Girls have it easier, because guys have lower thresholds for sharing saliva. Guys have it harder, because girls are a bit more reserved about who puts bits of themselves in them. That’s pretty obvious - we all knew that already. Girls have higher, stricter standards, natch. But why does this mean that I think girls that snog a hundred guys a year are more aberrant than guys that do the same with girls?
It’s more tied in with the original ideas I was musing on. Why we do it. So let’s go back to the original train of thought.
The Original Train of Thought
So there are people that use kissing as a way to alleviate their low self-esteem. That could work. It’s just social acceptance in the form of another party accepting an invasion of their mouth with your tongue. But from the obvious tangent I just made, it’s perhaps more a case that guys can use kissing in this way, but girls cannot. By the definition of guys having non-existent standards in the first place – as we all knew anyway – getting off with a guy is just something that any girl can do. It’s not social acceptance. It’s pretending to be, but it’s not.
But you know – I felt like stoving her chlamydia-drenched face in before she told me her reason for snogging so many guys. So clearly, caning her reason isn’t quite enough to atone for my double standard. No – I have to cane every single other reason a girl could give for whoring her mouth out.
Every Single Other Reason
So how about other neurosis-based reasons for kissing a lot of strangers? Power-tripping? Conquest? Same story. On the girl’s side – it pretends to be but isn’t; on the guy’s side, perhaps it could work.
Nothing will budge this double standard. In fact, it’s not even a double standard. It’s two, totally separate standards. The dynamics, causes and effects of random snogging are completely different on each side of the gender divide, and the two standards exist because of this. Once we both have equivalent lustings for getting off with someone, then it will cease to exist. But that’ll never happen.
But there’s one last non-trivial reason that guys and girls give for kissing the great, unwashed masses in their hundreds, and it’s nothing to do with social or personal neuroses:
What about snogging for fun? It’s a laugh!
Now – this is the only reason that I’d accept. On the face of it, I’d even say it was plausible. So why is it, that even in the face of this reason, do I feel that guys can use this reasons but girls cannot?
It’s a matter of character and conviction.
When a guy snogs a girl, the guy wants to fuck that girl. That’s a given. Show me a guy that will get off with someone, and not want to screw them, and I’ll show you the regurgitated remnants of my hat. And that’s fine. Wanting to have sex with a stranger isn’t particularly wrong or disgusting – in fact, it’s fucking cool.
And you know? I’d say the same goes for girls. Girls that snog around, with the express hope of achieving multiple, ejaculatory orgasm with the guy later that night, are cool. I like them. I admire that they have the conviction to fuck people they want to fuck for the sake of fuck, and that they’re usually doing it against the grain of cuntish public opinion. Splendid.
But see - it’s the girls that snog guys without following through that make me sick. The ones that slip their tongue into the mouths of so many blokes that it becomes hard to pin down the number, but can count the number of guys they’ve actually shagged on three and a half fingers. You know the ones I mean - the ones with no character or conviction.
Look – there are some girls that like kissing on occasion, whatever – this isn’t aimed at them. That’s fine – that is just a bit of fun. This post is worded at girls like the one I met, whose mouth is open to exploration by several guys a week for years. That’s not a bit of fun. That’s fucking damaged.
And, ironically, probably more to do with self-esteem issues. She can’t bring herself to fuck but can go through the foreplay to make sure guys fancy her. Therefore negating the reason that she’s really doing it for fun, anyway, and bringing us round in a full circle to meet the sound thrashing I gave the self-esteem reason earlier.
So there you have it. No double standards, no sexism - I think girls like the one I met are absolute trollops. Stop half-arsing about the place and either stay frigid or be promiscuous. Everything else is just damaged fucking confusion.
Prick-teasing bints. Bah.
posted by Juliet is Bleeding... | 2:50 pm
I write posts such as that in the same way I talk, so once I've thought up the general idea, it doesn't take too long to type. My general pattern is:
(i) Think of post on bus on way to work (up to 1.5 hours).
(ii) Type post at 102 words/min into blogger (10, 15 mins).
(iii) Edit post to add the words "cunt", "fuck" etc. (I'm quite a polite fellow usually).
(iv) Get paid money by my employers, on whose time I do this stuff.
(v) Go outside for cigarette, because for some reason spunking my thoughts out onto LIAC feels like I've given the web a facial.
100% true.
So...why do you have to intersperse your witty ramblings with cunt and fuck if you are a polite fellow - which I don't doubt?
Also don't you get some, er, interesting people finding you through search engines with that sort of malarkey?
Is your name a Tom Waits reference?
You may answer these questions in any order...
Oh, and good post :-)
(i) When using only text and no intonation in speech, certain passions, fortitudes, etc. can most effectively (read: quickly and lazily) be transmitted through the mode of swear-words. Also - they're cool.
(ii) Yep, you get a good deal of fuckwits that come in looking for "bleeding cunt", but by the same tokens you keep out the happy-happy joy-joyers that want to read/talk about rainbows and puppies. Awful, awful people.
(iii) I'd not heard of Tom Waits before... JiB is just something I made up. But I've since found that it's the title of an episode of "Due South", which my google ranking jostles with daily :(
If the foul language offends then I apologise - other people have said the same thing. But I think it works, in the grand scheme of gaining or losing readers.
PS: I answered all your questions in the correct order and added a bonus comment - secondarily because they were all good Qs, but primarily you used the word "malarkey" which makes you excellent by default.
Thank-you dear (bastard).
Do not feel the need to apologise to me (fucker) this is your site, and given the name of it and I think one would have to be a half-wit (complete and utter cunt) to complain about the language.
Romeo is Bleeding is the name of a song by the incomparable Tom Waits.
Love and joy! Whoops, not supposed to say that am I? Sorry.
This is all a bit daft, in't it?
I actually find the title of the post a lot more interesting than the actual post. Loose Lips, it's so fun to say. Really.
The rest of it was a meandering bitch of a mind-melt and I really can't believe that YOU spent the time to work out a bint's desire to rub tongues.
I mean really. If she thinks she's shit, let her lick whomever she likes. It's unfortunate that she hasn't figured out that her low self-worth is more than likely brought about by her numerous partners treating her like a five cent lolly.
I mean, it's more of an addiction than an actual desire... He loves me (while his tongue is in my mouth), He loves me not (Oh, he's gone. I'm fat. Boo hoo).
Pa-lease.
I think you actually missed the point of the post (dispelling a double standard). But then again, I'm sure you didn't do something silly like actually read the thing before commenting.
"Loose lips" is used, as the first part of the phrase "loose lips, sink ships". Just so you know.
You're right actually. I only read half of it before being annoyed enough to stop.
And perhaps it was a double standard, but I didn't get that from it all. But you're always going on about double standards anyway.
I thought perhaps you were breaking the mold... for once. :)
kisses.