This is the End?
I haven't had sex in almost a month.
If you look back far enough into the past of LIAC you will find a very naive and lovestruck diddums. You'll find a girl that was madly in love and convinced that her logical relationship would last forever. A stupidly happy girl that was sickened by the idea of love, but pleased to think that whatever term she applied to her relationship would be a proper representation of whatever it was and to, whatever was to become of it.
I moved in with Andrew during the last week of August. After almost two years of being in a long distance relationship with a man that I thought I would marry, one would assume that I would be turning handsprings over the biggest step in our relationship thus far.
I was shitting my pants.
The week that lead up to moving in with Andrew was spent hanging over a toilet - I was terrified. Not only was I moving to a gigantic city that was two hours away from my closest relative, I was starting a new career path, at the best chef school in all of Canada and I was doing all of this on the sole income and support of my boyfriend.
I currently owe Andrew at least $1000. He's paid for all of my books, uniforms, utensils and even my safety shoes. I have no job, I have no other income. He's paying the mortgage, the utilities, the groceries and for all the extra bits of lunacy that come flying at me through the must haves of George Brown.
I repay him by cooking, cleaning the house and supposedly by what happens between the sheets. I believe he once said, "ass, cash or grass" while explaining to a friend how I'm managing to freeload off of him during my time in school. I'm sure he didn't think anything of it at the time and he probably still doesn't, but when your girlfriend prides herself on her independance and suddenly, needs to depend on her boyfriend, hearing that sort of crap is a fatal blow to her confidence and selfworth.
So now I've been reduced to a stay-at-home-whore and I can't even look at my boyfriend. I purposely stay up late so I won't have to talk to him in bed. I do my homework while he's eating his dinner and I have ridiculously long showers while he's watching TV to avoid him completely.
The funny thing is, he has yet to say a thing about it.
So the next logical question would be, "Is my relationship over?"
I think it is, but I can't have it end for the sake of my education. Andrew knows this and he wants me to stay here, even if we do break up. I feel like I'm freeloading, he sees it as something that I just need to do.
Love doesn't seem to resemble anything other than annoyance the more I grow into it. I think the idea of marriage is completely out of the question.
If you look back far enough into the past of LIAC you will find a very naive and lovestruck diddums. You'll find a girl that was madly in love and convinced that her logical relationship would last forever. A stupidly happy girl that was sickened by the idea of love, but pleased to think that whatever term she applied to her relationship would be a proper representation of whatever it was and to, whatever was to become of it.
I moved in with Andrew during the last week of August. After almost two years of being in a long distance relationship with a man that I thought I would marry, one would assume that I would be turning handsprings over the biggest step in our relationship thus far.
I was shitting my pants.
The week that lead up to moving in with Andrew was spent hanging over a toilet - I was terrified. Not only was I moving to a gigantic city that was two hours away from my closest relative, I was starting a new career path, at the best chef school in all of Canada and I was doing all of this on the sole income and support of my boyfriend.
I currently owe Andrew at least $1000. He's paid for all of my books, uniforms, utensils and even my safety shoes. I have no job, I have no other income. He's paying the mortgage, the utilities, the groceries and for all the extra bits of lunacy that come flying at me through the must haves of George Brown.
I repay him by cooking, cleaning the house and supposedly by what happens between the sheets. I believe he once said, "ass, cash or grass" while explaining to a friend how I'm managing to freeload off of him during my time in school. I'm sure he didn't think anything of it at the time and he probably still doesn't, but when your girlfriend prides herself on her independance and suddenly, needs to depend on her boyfriend, hearing that sort of crap is a fatal blow to her confidence and selfworth.
So now I've been reduced to a stay-at-home-whore and I can't even look at my boyfriend. I purposely stay up late so I won't have to talk to him in bed. I do my homework while he's eating his dinner and I have ridiculously long showers while he's watching TV to avoid him completely.
The funny thing is, he has yet to say a thing about it.
So the next logical question would be, "Is my relationship over?"
I think it is, but I can't have it end for the sake of my education. Andrew knows this and he wants me to stay here, even if we do break up. I feel like I'm freeloading, he sees it as something that I just need to do.
Love doesn't seem to resemble anything other than annoyance the more I grow into it. I think the idea of marriage is completely out of the question.
posted by fucking diddums | 3:59 am
When I read first that you haven't had sex in a month, I thought - she must be married!
That was a terrible thing for him to say. I mean, sure you may be dependent on him, but that's the whole point of a relationship. One member is going to be dependent on the other for something, be it love, listening to you, cooking for you, bringing home the bacon, whatever. But you're both dependent on each other for different things. That's the way it's supposed to be. And it'll change over the course of the relationship. He could become sick or lose his job when you have one and need you more than you need him now.
You should tell him how much that statement bothered you and find out if he really feels that way or if he was just trying to impress his friend.
The relationship is over only if you stop communicating. Let him know how you feel. You have a right to feel this way after a comment like that. It was insensitive.
If love is the thing you need from a relationship, it's over all right. And it's not because of one single comment to a friend. However hurtful, the fall-out suggests that what you think of the comment is just a symptom of a deeper malaise, your justification, your way of hiding from the truth, which is simply this: you don't love him. At least this is the impression I've got from your entry. Am I wrong? Maybe; only you will know this. The point is that if love is the fundamental reason for you to pursue a relationship, you should be addressing the question of whether you love him, not whether he respects you or whether you could forgive him for talking about you in such a way.
If you don't love him, it's your choice as to whether you stay with him - but you should know that if you do so, it will not be for his sake, but for yours; for his sake, to preserve his dignity and self-respect, and allow him to move on, you should go sooner rather than later. But you don't necessarily have to forego making the decision for your sake if that's what you prefer, or beat yourself up over it. As Jason said, one is always going to be dependent on the other for something, and love doesn't necessarily need to be that something.
I've finally realised I don't love my girlfriend, but I'm not going to end it. Why? Because I can live without loving someone. What I can't live without is the life I've spent many years building up as part of a couple: the home, the friends, the lifestyle. I'm not letting that go, and I'm sure many many others are in the same situation. It's not entirely fair, but her blissful ignorance of my diminishing feelings suits us both; the alternative is schism and two wrecked lives. Fuck it. I'd rather live the lie.
But would you?
No, I'd rather not live the lie. But I owe Andrew and the relationship the time to try to make whatever it is work, which is why I'm staying.
I'm giving it till the end of the school year, when my schedule will be cleared, when new choices have to be made, when my life has the potential to start over again. Right now, I just needed to write it all down so I could figure out how awful the situation is and how much hate I should project on myself.
I think Silly Billy, you and I should just run away together and never return to whatever it is we're both afraid of losing.
Fucking Diddums, your reply suggests a whole lot of guilt for simply not having the feelings you think you should be having. It's pretty much the stage I was at before I faced up to my own situation, this feeling that I was letting someone down who hadn't actually done anything particularly wrong, that I owed her something (and probably did given the investment she's made in our relationship). I'd much rather have come out of this stage realising I still loved her, but fuck it, I didn't, and just had to find some way of living with it.
Who knows, maybe it'll be different with you.
As for wanting to take the opportunity to write your situation down somewhere, well, it gave me the opportunity to write about mine too, to actually see the words "I don't love her" recorded. I needed to do that, so thanks.
I'm sure you're right about a lot of this mess and I'm sure there will be a time where I step out of the guilt stage and actually deal with the situation. For now though, avoiding it is working rather nicely.
I find it strangely frustrating that two complete strangers have given one another what our respective, significant others can't. An outlet, and a comforting, "Been there, done that" comparison.
Fucking wonky.
I suppose it would have been necessary for me to mention that my boyfriend and I have been discussing the fate of our relationship for the past five months.
We've exhausted the topic to the point of no return, I'm afraid. There isn't anything left to say. And besides, even if I wanted to talk about it, the response I would receive would be,
"Do we have to talk about this now? I have five hours until I have to go to work in the morning and we don't get anywhere with this."
And THEN, I would feel guilty and ultimately start to project all that crap onto him.
Stop it.
You have long ago reached a verbal contract with him that you will be live in housekeeper for him in return for room, board, and necessary expences to keep you in school. You are providing a necessary service at an agreed upon fee. The fact that he can trust you and rely upon you is worth far more than the other services however. You are not a freeloader until he says you are.
If the physical/romantic aspect of your relationship is over you simply need to sit down with him at a convenient time and discuss how you both want to proceed. You are not a charity case nor are you dependant on him for your livelyhood or well being since I am willing to bet that you could easily go out and procure a couple of moderately lucrative jobs and move out within the month if that was your decision. This is not a matter of dependance or charity, it is an arrangement of friendship and necessity. Please stop feeling self righteous and start discussing the matter openly AT APROPRIATE TIMES with your roommate.
appropriate times.
My boyfriend is a public transit worker. His shifts are usually, fourteen hours long. When I am around him, I ignore him because in the single hour he has to relax, I do not want to pester him with bullshit.
When I have the time, when he has the time, I will sit down and talk to him conviently.
But whatever, I'm selfrighteous and I love it.
Guys are not mindreaders, as much as we might like to think that they are. They really don't know why we slam around the apartment or respond with one word answers. You have to tell him how you feel.
Also, maybe think about becoming some kind of sales rep for Avon or Slumber Parties or something where you can work your own hours. It might not make you more than $1,000 a month but it will allow you to pay him something so you'll feel better.
They dont call me pollyanna for nothing, and im in a preachy mood, forgive me....
This guy is willing to support you, sexually, financially and emotionally, and he seems pretty determined to do it for a while. Dont forget, you just moved your world to be with him and follow your dream...
Would it be such a bad thing to relax, lean back and let someone else take care of business a while so you can focus your creativity energy on studying something you really care about, something you are willing to make big changes in your life for. Just for now. Cos it might not be this way for long... financially its just likely to get better.
And i think you sound pretty scared and freaked out, and no wonder, its a lot to take responsibility for, its a lot in a short time and you are still doing some tectonic adjustments to your world.
Most of all tho, I wonder what your gut says and whether you are listening to it. Cos that would be better to listen to than me....
Talk to him
I'm not a naturally empathic person. But I really feel for you. It's not pity (quite the opposite, in fact) but I really feel for you. I think you're wonderful for acknowledging this. I stumbled across this blog quite by accident. I googled the words "My boyfriend is a c..." and your blog was returned in the results. As someone who is suffering from being with a ridiculous boyfriend I appreciate your candour in this blog and hope you find the contentment you seemingly deserve.
With massive respect and heartfelt regards from London...
if you are going out of your way to avoid your boyfriend i'm not going to deny that this could possibly be the beginning of an end.
but like Sex & Moxie suggests, guys are not mind readers. communication is inevitable and is the key in every relationship if you want to solve it it in the simplest manner. you use to talk to him, now u don't anymore, don't you think he deserves an explaination?
also like you said, "ass, cash, and grass", he probably didn't think twice before saying that. chances are he does believe you are a strong woman, that the way you were when he met you. yet at the moment, you feel dependent on him. but how do u think he feels? when all of sudden you to stop emotionally giving. it won't just be $1000 that you own him if you continue on like this, it'll be this sense of emotional betrayal as well that you didn't even love when you were together.