Understanding understanding.
Memory lane:
I was sitting around one day, in front of the TV, when my girlfriend wandered in and turned it off with the remote. I didn't mind too much, because David Dickinson had just come on, and I'd rather smash a large cudgel into the side of my mother's face than watch more than seven seconds of that titianesque waste of space. But she did interrupt whatever daydream I was in and I was slightly annoyed.
"What's with turning off the TV?"
"You don't know?"
"What?"
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"I don't understand... Are you upset?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know - I mean, yes, you are. Are you?"
"I can't believe you don't know why."
I was fighting a losing battle and sex had already dropped to a 0.75% chance that night. What was she on about? I scoured my brain for every single misdemeanour I had committed since birth, cross-referenced against all that I had either apologised for or karma-resolved by other means, and could only come up with that time I shoplifted a bag of M&M's the other week and had scoffed them with nobody seeing. As far as she was concerned, I should be totally clean.
"But... I haven't done anything."
"That's right, you haven't."
Oh god it must be an anniversary or similar. Dates, dates... Her birthday wasn't for ages, anniversary was past and dealt with, my birthday - who gives a damn... Maybe today was her dead dog's anniversary of passing away? Did she even have a dead dog?
"Is it to... to do with a dog?"
"What?"
"M&Ms? I only took them because-"
"You're insane, JiB. If you don't know what's wrong then fuck you, I'm going to go and sleep with your best friend and brother, bye."
Back to the total shitfest that is reality:
I never used to understand girls when they asked me to psychically understand what was troubling them and fix it without them mentioning it. To somehow have innate comprehensions of how they were feeling and act to make them happy even before they knew they were sad themselves. To be punished for something that you might never know you did wrong.
But I've been thinking about it recently, and in a way it does make sense. I even do it myself sometimes. So what's the explanation for this fucked-up behaviour?
There comes a point where some total bint I've been with makes an error so fundamentally grave that it beggars belief that she doesn't just realise what she's done or apologise or make amends on the spot. Thing is - perhaps only *I* think it's a fundamental error. Perhaps she thinks it would be perfectly fine for me to sit in the lap of some other girl, but when I see her sitting in the lap of some other guy all I can see is him sleazily loving her ass on his cock followed by me sliding a huge fuck-off chainsaw through his neck and severing his spinal column.
And if she sits on said guy's lap and doesn't realise it's made me want to eviscerate him with power-tools, then I feel slighted that she thinks something like that is perfectly fine and I don't, and at the very least I feel she doesn't understand me. She should know I get jealous/moody before noon/like tea with two sugars/whatever. She should know all these things because they're my component parts, and if she doesn't know them then who on earth has she fallen in love with?
It's also a case of not rectifying the error if she deals with it after you've told her. You've fucking told her, of course she can say sorry or give you two hours of head once she knows what she did wrong. But how fake is that? She didn't really think she'd done anything wrong. Maybe she thinks you're a twat for thinking it was wrong. Perhaps she genuinely feels sorry that she upset you, and certainly she might change her attitudes afterwards, but it can't help but sting that you thought she was one way and she's actually another.
So people easily find themselves in situations similar to my baffling memory lane. Faced with the choice of understanding your partner or sodding off because they weren't the person they thought you thought they were.
And it's a Catch 22. People want people to understand them to such an extent that they should automatically know their every shade of moral. People won't actually tell people what those are, because that would make it an artificial understanding and not the magical fucking fairy dust that love's supposed to be.
So, you know... *shrug*
I was sitting around one day, in front of the TV, when my girlfriend wandered in and turned it off with the remote. I didn't mind too much, because David Dickinson had just come on, and I'd rather smash a large cudgel into the side of my mother's face than watch more than seven seconds of that titianesque waste of space. But she did interrupt whatever daydream I was in and I was slightly annoyed.
"What's with turning off the TV?"
"You don't know?"
"What?"
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"I don't understand... Are you upset?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know - I mean, yes, you are. Are you?"
"I can't believe you don't know why."
I was fighting a losing battle and sex had already dropped to a 0.75% chance that night. What was she on about? I scoured my brain for every single misdemeanour I had committed since birth, cross-referenced against all that I had either apologised for or karma-resolved by other means, and could only come up with that time I shoplifted a bag of M&M's the other week and had scoffed them with nobody seeing. As far as she was concerned, I should be totally clean.
"But... I haven't done anything."
"That's right, you haven't."
Oh god it must be an anniversary or similar. Dates, dates... Her birthday wasn't for ages, anniversary was past and dealt with, my birthday - who gives a damn... Maybe today was her dead dog's anniversary of passing away? Did she even have a dead dog?
"Is it to... to do with a dog?"
"What?"
"M&Ms? I only took them because-"
"You're insane, JiB. If you don't know what's wrong then fuck you, I'm going to go and sleep with your best friend and brother, bye."
Back to the total shitfest that is reality:
I never used to understand girls when they asked me to psychically understand what was troubling them and fix it without them mentioning it. To somehow have innate comprehensions of how they were feeling and act to make them happy even before they knew they were sad themselves. To be punished for something that you might never know you did wrong.
But I've been thinking about it recently, and in a way it does make sense. I even do it myself sometimes. So what's the explanation for this fucked-up behaviour?
There comes a point where some total bint I've been with makes an error so fundamentally grave that it beggars belief that she doesn't just realise what she's done or apologise or make amends on the spot. Thing is - perhaps only *I* think it's a fundamental error. Perhaps she thinks it would be perfectly fine for me to sit in the lap of some other girl, but when I see her sitting in the lap of some other guy all I can see is him sleazily loving her ass on his cock followed by me sliding a huge fuck-off chainsaw through his neck and severing his spinal column.
And if she sits on said guy's lap and doesn't realise it's made me want to eviscerate him with power-tools, then I feel slighted that she thinks something like that is perfectly fine and I don't, and at the very least I feel she doesn't understand me. She should know I get jealous/moody before noon/like tea with two sugars/whatever. She should know all these things because they're my component parts, and if she doesn't know them then who on earth has she fallen in love with?
It's also a case of not rectifying the error if she deals with it after you've told her. You've fucking told her, of course she can say sorry or give you two hours of head once she knows what she did wrong. But how fake is that? She didn't really think she'd done anything wrong. Maybe she thinks you're a twat for thinking it was wrong. Perhaps she genuinely feels sorry that she upset you, and certainly she might change her attitudes afterwards, but it can't help but sting that you thought she was one way and she's actually another.
So people easily find themselves in situations similar to my baffling memory lane. Faced with the choice of understanding your partner or sodding off because they weren't the person they thought you thought they were.
And it's a Catch 22. People want people to understand them to such an extent that they should automatically know their every shade of moral. People won't actually tell people what those are, because that would make it an artificial understanding and not the magical fucking fairy dust that love's supposed to be.
So, you know... *shrug*
posted by Juliet is Bleeding... | 6:37 pm
Sometimes we expect people to be totally understanding of our every want and need even without being told. It's part and parcel of our expectations within a relationship. When they don't understand what would hurt you, it's a betrayal not only because what they did was wrong in your mind, but also because they didn't *know* it was wrong - and they should have known, because they're supposed to know you inside out.
Ah...erm...bollocks.
While what you say is true, we do expect our significant others to know what is significant, they don't, and can't.
So they...and we...make mistakes. And yes, it can sometimes hurt like a bastard.
What is key though, what is motherfucking essential, is what happens afterwards. You tell them, they tell you, what the problem is.
There are apologies and actions, as you say, JiB, and whether meant or not - they usually are unless you are fucked from the start - they should be accepted.
It's how YOU react afterwards that counts. It's how YOU deal with things afterwards that will shape the future of the relationship.
Fair? No, perhaps not. But that is the way it is. And in any relationship this will happen to both parties, so it does actually even itself out.
Honesty and communication - there's a problem, you voice it, she/he apologises, you accept, you move on AND YOU ACCEPT WHAT YOUR PARTNER IS, as he/she accepts you for what you are.
It's a learning curve, a steep one, but you travel it together.
Do you see what I'm trying to say?
Understood, natch.
1a. As with all my posts, I'm trying to generalise across most people. My girlfriend didn't actually come in and switch off the TV at any point of my life and nor do I honestly care if my girlfriend sits on someone's lap. Or maybe they are true. Who gives a damn? It's the extrapolation of what I'm trying to say that I want you to understand. That is, most people act this way, because {see above post}.
1b. Thus, if you think that people don't do this (or if they do they don't do it for the reasons I've given), then I'd rather you qualified your labelling of my post as "bollocks" by giving a reason as to why. Then we can all learn.
2. Levels, levels, levels. If she slept with your brother and best friend simultaneously in your father's bed then could you accept the apology and her for what they are and resolve? Or is it game over for 99% of people?
There are many grey shades here. Your solution is good, but it neither disputes that what I said happens and it does rather depend on you being a fucking saint, no?
Oh and Illegible, your comment:
"When they don't understand what would hurt you, it's a betrayal not only because what they did was wrong in your mind, but also because they didn't *know* it was wrong..."
Ta, for putting it perhaps a bit more succinctly than I did. Doh.
I was trying to empathise... apologies if that came across the wrong way. The post just struck a chord.
Reading this post reminds me that it is high time I write a pissy rant about my boyfriend's "instincts" and how they constantly tell him I'm fucking some guy behind his back.
3 out of 4 times he's right, but that's besides the point.
Sorry, JiB, the 'bollocks' was not aimed at your post, but at the situation you describe!
Does rather rely on being a saint though, yes...
Troubling.
Revelation of a person's true colours through them not understanding your feelings, even after a great deal of time, is always tough.
But how about: It's also the case that you didn't understand them fully, right?
Ms. Utopia: I agree on both counts - just fucking come out with what's bothering you, and it's not that simple. In fact, a previous girlfriend and I used to discuss what the "termination" events for relationships could be. The ones where, once you find out, it doesn't matter what you mention or apologise for, there is just no resolution because it just sticks in your head and sabotages the relationship until it's a flaming wreck of fuck-up. I'll probably post about this at some point.
Ms. Myth: Absofuckinglutely correct. In fact, maybe the fact you don't understand them is *worse* than the fact they didn't understand you. Feeling like you fell for the wrong person, for whatever reasons.