Down with gravity.
It's happening at last. Barely two months in, my big fluffy world of happiness is collapsing in on itself and transmogrifying into an enormous, stinking turd.
For the last few days, Joe has been gone. He's here physically, but I can't seem to find him in there anywhere. He's subdued - almost sullen - and doesn't seem to look at me the same way. His touches feel forced. When we had sex last night and this morning it felt like we were miles apart, even though we were clutching at each other as usual.
Yes, I know that reality must set in to every relationship eventually, but this seems like an especially hard fall, and I'm terrified of what it means for a couple of reasons, both of which hinge on the events of the last few days. Let us discuss:
This weekend we went camping in the mountains. It was my first "real" camping trip. Joe borrowed Susan's car (formerly half-his-car) to drive us up. We slept in a tent in the same sleeping bag he'd shared with Susan on their various camping trips in years past. We camped with some of Joe's friends, all of whom know Susan and used to go camping with her as Joe's girlfriend. One of them even called me Susan accidentally when we lined up for a scenic group photo.
On a non-Susan note, I had a massive anxiety attack on Saturday afternoon, brought about by a lack of sleep and a surplus of beer. I didn't know how to tell him or anyone (I was totally locked inside my brain) what I was feeling, so I appeared silently annoyed and bitchy. Joe had never seen me in that mode, which is a small but very real part of my personality. I think it was an awakening for him.
OK. I'm writing this at work and getting all misty and sad, so I'd better cut to the chase:
-He's not over Susan, not by a long shot. And the stupid fucking bitch sent him an email today saying, "We need to talk. Tonight." He's meeting her after work. He doesn't know what it's about. I am concurrently terrified and filled with rage. I think of all the things she has that I don't: Blonde hair, multilingual capability, do-gooder ambitions, neat-freak tendencies. I feel like such a drunken slob when I compare myself to her...and he deserves so much better than me and my general confusion and anxiety.
-I'm worried that he'd put me on a pedestal and this weekend I knocked myself off it. I revealed a major flaw in my psychology, one that leads to tears and unpleasant behavior. I didn't actually cry in front of him, nor did I act in a hostile fashion, but I was certainly radiating bad vibes. It's now been made abundantly clear that I am human and that sometimes I am not fun to be around. The fantasy of the ultimate-cool girlfriend who doesn't ever get upset is shattered. I'm down in the dirt with him now.
I don't know what else to write. I just have the worst feeling about this. I am going to be devastated. I don't know how I can keep going if he breaks my heart.
Point. Laugh. Repeat.
For the last few days, Joe has been gone. He's here physically, but I can't seem to find him in there anywhere. He's subdued - almost sullen - and doesn't seem to look at me the same way. His touches feel forced. When we had sex last night and this morning it felt like we were miles apart, even though we were clutching at each other as usual.
Yes, I know that reality must set in to every relationship eventually, but this seems like an especially hard fall, and I'm terrified of what it means for a couple of reasons, both of which hinge on the events of the last few days. Let us discuss:
This weekend we went camping in the mountains. It was my first "real" camping trip. Joe borrowed Susan's car (formerly half-his-car) to drive us up. We slept in a tent in the same sleeping bag he'd shared with Susan on their various camping trips in years past. We camped with some of Joe's friends, all of whom know Susan and used to go camping with her as Joe's girlfriend. One of them even called me Susan accidentally when we lined up for a scenic group photo.
On a non-Susan note, I had a massive anxiety attack on Saturday afternoon, brought about by a lack of sleep and a surplus of beer. I didn't know how to tell him or anyone (I was totally locked inside my brain) what I was feeling, so I appeared silently annoyed and bitchy. Joe had never seen me in that mode, which is a small but very real part of my personality. I think it was an awakening for him.
OK. I'm writing this at work and getting all misty and sad, so I'd better cut to the chase:
-He's not over Susan, not by a long shot. And the stupid fucking bitch sent him an email today saying, "We need to talk. Tonight." He's meeting her after work. He doesn't know what it's about. I am concurrently terrified and filled with rage. I think of all the things she has that I don't: Blonde hair, multilingual capability, do-gooder ambitions, neat-freak tendencies. I feel like such a drunken slob when I compare myself to her...and he deserves so much better than me and my general confusion and anxiety.
-I'm worried that he'd put me on a pedestal and this weekend I knocked myself off it. I revealed a major flaw in my psychology, one that leads to tears and unpleasant behavior. I didn't actually cry in front of him, nor did I act in a hostile fashion, but I was certainly radiating bad vibes. It's now been made abundantly clear that I am human and that sometimes I am not fun to be around. The fantasy of the ultimate-cool girlfriend who doesn't ever get upset is shattered. I'm down in the dirt with him now.
I don't know what else to write. I just have the worst feeling about this. I am going to be devastated. I don't know how I can keep going if he breaks my heart.
Point. Laugh. Repeat.
posted by Kathleen | 11:59 pm
I read this. Then again. It didn't help that the ex in this vignette is named Susan, as I recall a very special woman who loved me dearly but suffered (sometimes in silence, sometimes...not) from fears that others connected to me would see her as less than a Susan to whom I had previously been married.
And she worried that I saw her as less, no matter what I said or what I showed. She needn't have worried so much. She was so very much, all by herself.
Being frank about it, talking it out, helps. Or so they say. Sometimes acknowledging it is enough, rather than talking it to death. If someone else is putting pressure on him, perhaps honesty, simplicity and a reassuring smile are a nice contrast.
"Clutch" your way through it. Don't give up.
well, joe and i are going to have a little chat tomorrow. i am terrified, but i know that i'll feel so relieved when we finally do this. we haven't had too many SERIOUS TALKS. this will probably be the first "big" one - and hopefully not the last.
jenzilla: yeah, i know that comparison stuff is bullshit and self-destructive. it can be hard to ignore sometimes, though. let us also keep in mind that it was she who dumped him. they might still be together if she hadn't said anything.
Ms. WithAKnife, I think perhaps you're worrying a little too much when nothing "actual" has happened. And be careful, as needless worry can put your relationship belly-up into the sulphur all by itself.
I actually posted about this effect here.
Don't let it get to you - we all think you're fucking cool and want to date you, and he thinks the exact same. Even if that's not true, *believe* it is. It's better than believing the alternative.
(but don't get too cocky - fine lines, etc.)
thanks, jibs. i just discovered this morning that it's not all in my head. he acknowledged in an email that something is very wrong and we need to discuss it.
we're meeting up after work. the next seven hours of waiting are going to be torture. i feel sick and i can't stop crying.
oh, and jibs, i wasn't being sarcastic when i said "thanks." thanks for the "you're cool and we all want to date you" thing. :)
though i'm starting to think i don't ever want to date anyone ever again right now.
Thanks for not being sarcastic :)
And okay - this is a bad thing, then. Not necessarily all over, but a bad thing.
Just stay solid and think clearly, during your meeting. That's pretty much all I can say(, and it's something you already knew, and it's also ludicrously easier said than done).
Apart from that, I think I should hold my tongue until after you meet. Good luck.
joe and i met this afternoon for lunch.
we decided that we had rushed into things when we started this two months ago. he hadn't had much time to be alone and chew over what happened with susan, and we both tried to pretend that everything was fine.
actually it wasn't too hard to pretend. we were so busy being starry-eyed and giddy that we were ignoring the burly, menacing susan problem that was staring us in the face.
we decided to kind of start over. we're going to hang out less often, scaling back from the previous 4-5 days a week schedule. when we do hang out, we're going to avoid spending the night together. sex is right out, for the moment.
i feel better about it.
*sigh* more later. i've gotta take a nap.
Sounds like he's put his head on straighter and it will work out better for both of you in the long run.
Much, *much* better than going through it without recovering from his last relationship.
Of course, first appearances are always lying gits.