Ricochet

So a friend of mine is trying to date a total bint. She comes across stupid and exhibits dramatic failure when trying to construct sentences in her first language. *shudder*

Whilst I don’t particularly care how much genius a girl might posses, I do get very much turned away if she can’t spell “the”. I would like to date girls that I can have conversations, debates and heated arguments with via all forms of communication - someone that will stimulate my mental cock to issue. I can’t think of anything worse than a girl that looks pretty but can’t be introduced to my friends and colleagues in case she says the word “rad”, nor a girl that can’t keep my overactive and exploratory mind occupied with her own intellectual cravings. The latter being the only social activity that doesn’t result in my drowning out the absolute shittiness of everybody in the world by shooting medically dangerous amounts of neat vodka.

So I went to this friend of mine – who is, incidentally, a relatively clever guy - and asked him what he saw in her. What was it that made it all worthwhile? He told me that she was bubbly.

As the esteemed Harry Hill says (on his funny show, TV Burp (not the fucking stupid one with the badgers)):

“Bubbly? What’s bubbly!? Annoying.”

For my friend, traits like “bubbly” and “outgoing” would take precedence over “intelligence” in the things he looks for in a partner. Okay, so outgoing is fine, but as far as I’m concerned I don’t want a girlfriend that’s a social accessory, I’m far more interested in what we do when we’re alone. Apart from the anal sex and personal pornographic filming, you need something to do when you take a break, and I would so much prefer someone with a sharp mind when we’re alone than someone that likes to chat with total strangers about all things “rad”.

So we were discussing this when certain fuckeries came to light that made everything a little clearer.

But first, I really have to talk about my job. See, I hate work. It fucking sucks. Every day I come in and crave the days when I was at University - waking up when I liked and having the time to wank several times a day. Plus the wealth of 1000+ student girls were a damn sight more interesting than the two old bints that work here. But then again, whilst at University, I craved the days when I would work – having a sense of purpose, building a lifelong career, and having enough money to actually go out instead of staying indoors and wanking all day. While I was at University, I worked during all my “holidays”. And at the start of every holiday I welcomed the return to work, and at the end of every holiday I welcomed the return to University.

We always want what we don’t have.

I don’t mean that we always want more. Always want more money or fame or love or holidays. No – some people always want more, but not everybody. But everybody usually ends up thinking their situation isn’t quite right. Take your job. Yes, your job. Have you been working at it for more than a few months? Shit, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you much rather be doing something else? Not necessarily a promotion or whatever, but I mean something entirely different? Unless you’re a sodding Jet Fighter Pilot, chances are you do.

The same thing happens in relationships – the imperfect ones, at least, which covers 95% of the fuckers. You start to think the traits your partner has are just not right, that perhaps they’ve not got quite enough of this trait or too much of that characteristic. Just like with your other situations, you take the good stuff for granted, forget about it, and end up only seeing what you don’t like.

Wise folks say that if you’re attempting to woo someone, try to be nothing like their ex. Not just “don’t tear their tiny heart out”, but also “don’t have any of their personality at all”. If they’re outgoing, be introverted. If they’re into cats, be into dogs. Whatever. Although I think that’s a stupid, contrived and ultimately fucked way of getting a date, the overall reasoning is sound.

So perhaps not everybody is this way when they move on. But I suspect most people are. Including my friend and I. Though this post started out as a thought on why he and I were going for such different characters of girls, during its conception I realised he’d dated an introvert genius previously whilst I’d fallen for an extrovert fool. Hence our search for the traits that our previous relationships hadn’t had. And also, of course, ignoring the stuff we took for granted during this search.

Then again, now that I’ve posted this, maybe I can be a little more objective about what I go for next. This is precisely why introspective blogging is so great – thanks for listening, you huge, festering amalgamation of random cunts.