Careful What You Wish For
In May of 2003, a wonderful thing happened.
My fuckwit fiance decided that cheating on me wasn't enough, so he used up the little bit of money I had and broke up with me, leaving me broke, broken, and brokenhearted...but best of all...it freed me. Freed me to rush right into the arms of a man I had been crushing on since my freshman year in high school...my first crush...my first unrequited love.
So imagine my surprise and pleasure when he jumped my bones one night outside the bar. Imagine the stupid happiness that filled my heart every time I saw him walking through my bedroom door to come and sex me senseless. Imagine my chagrin when he told me he had a girlfriend...that he wouldn't leave her for me...but he wouldn't leave me alone for her, either. I was so satisfied with the snippits of time we had together, that I accepted being his whore, reveled in it even...and I gave him all power over the relationship, and thus, me. He did eventually break up with his girl, but still, he daren't make an honest woman out of me. I remained his concubine, and though most nights I cursed him and cried myself into dreams of being his girlfriend, I still was able to find contentment in our situation. Eventually, it was even comforting. I mean, who can knock it? I get the sex and the friendship without all the relationship pitfalls. No nagging, no cheating, no money issues...just find me, fuck me, and forget me...until you come to find me again. Was it perfect? No. For so long I was so heartbroken that I deluded myself into thinking it was happiness...that I seriously thought he made me happy. But he didn't. He made miserable. I had lowered myself to be his booty call. I had given up my self respect. I had given up all control. And why? For love. Because I loved him. That over the moon, starry-eyed, school girl, bad poetry, true blue kind of love. So anything he did was forgivable...because I understood him...and in the end, knowing him helped me know that I didn't want to be his girl. I just wanted to be with him in any way I could. And he shunned me for it, and as punishment, he decided to go away for awhile, like usual. But unlike usual, he was gone a very long time.
And so comes my current boyfriend. My first heartache...my first requited love. I met him my freshman year in college. I didn't want anything to do with him at first. He was too young...too immature...too...pure. I had already been fucked over royally by the time I met him, so when I met him, he caught the whiplash of that. But it didn't deter him, no. And one day I looked over at his beautiful face and it hit me...I loved him...really loved him. I wanted to be with him forever. As fate would have it, as soon as I realize this, he comes to the conclusion that all the bullshit I had shoveled at him was true and he breaks up with me. Now...I deserved that big time, and even though it really hurt me, it didn't destroy me, and we remained friends all this time. We would lose touch and then somehow come together again, which is what happened again last September. By October, he confessed he still loved me and wanted us to be together. By December, I finally relented and became his girl completely. I say completely, because I agreed in October, but I didn't stop sleeping with First Crush until December. Oh, First Love knew this, and accepted this, but once he asked me to be faithful, without question, I was. Without looking back.
Until a couple of days ago.
First Crush of course finally called me again, figuring I should be good and tamed by his absence. It was hard, but I told him no, that I was with someone, and unlike him, I was faithful. But I still wanted us to be friends. And he still wanted us to be friends. And maybe a bit too quickly, he agreed that we were over in that way and were now the way we were before the sex. So, great, friends. Until First Love tells me he doesn't approve and that First Crush has another agenda...and that he wants me to stay away from him. With everything that he knows that went on with me and First Crush, he hates the thought of me even thinking about talking to him. For reasons I don't understand, it made me want to see First Crush more...it made me want to prove we could be friends, thus making First Love accept our friendship and all would be love. I was so wrong.
I meet up with First Crush and all the old feelings rush, but I retain them coolly. When he reaches to touch me, I pull away. When he makes comments, I look at him and shake my head. We both know we can't do anything. We know I love my man. We know that we could never be anymore than what we were...right? So I leave. I go home. Triumphant in our new friendship and proud of my self control. So how he ended up at my place at midnight is a mystery. Why he asked to stay and just sleep...and why I agreed to it really escape. And even though I burst into tears a few times, he still managed to find his way between my legs and make me into the one thing I had vowed to never be...a fucking cheater.
First Love will be home finally on Tuesday. We will be together for the first time in ages, since we decided to become a couple again through the mail (stupid I know...but circumstances couldn't make it any other way). I will see his sweet, unsuspecting face and I will have to make a decision. I will either tell him the truth and hurt him to the quick, or never tell him, making me into a liar on top of being a cheat. On Tuesday, my life will change forever, because either way I choose, I lose.
Oh...the wishes I made that came true? For First Crush to always want me with that indescribable burn that we share and for First Love to come back to me so we could try it again. I never guessed that these wishes would overlap and try to negate each other. Who could have guessed that the only men I ever loved would just happen to be in my life at the same time after years of never coinciding? Who would have known that I could love them both in opposite but equal ways that would constantly test my loyalties? Common sense says that only one loves me and the the other one only loves my ass...but still...my stupid heart keeps me loving them both.
Love is a mother fucking cunt...
especially for making me into the biggest cunt of them all.
My fuckwit fiance decided that cheating on me wasn't enough, so he used up the little bit of money I had and broke up with me, leaving me broke, broken, and brokenhearted...but best of all...it freed me. Freed me to rush right into the arms of a man I had been crushing on since my freshman year in high school...my first crush...my first unrequited love.
So imagine my surprise and pleasure when he jumped my bones one night outside the bar. Imagine the stupid happiness that filled my heart every time I saw him walking through my bedroom door to come and sex me senseless. Imagine my chagrin when he told me he had a girlfriend...that he wouldn't leave her for me...but he wouldn't leave me alone for her, either. I was so satisfied with the snippits of time we had together, that I accepted being his whore, reveled in it even...and I gave him all power over the relationship, and thus, me. He did eventually break up with his girl, but still, he daren't make an honest woman out of me. I remained his concubine, and though most nights I cursed him and cried myself into dreams of being his girlfriend, I still was able to find contentment in our situation. Eventually, it was even comforting. I mean, who can knock it? I get the sex and the friendship without all the relationship pitfalls. No nagging, no cheating, no money issues...just find me, fuck me, and forget me...until you come to find me again. Was it perfect? No. For so long I was so heartbroken that I deluded myself into thinking it was happiness...that I seriously thought he made me happy. But he didn't. He made miserable. I had lowered myself to be his booty call. I had given up my self respect. I had given up all control. And why? For love. Because I loved him. That over the moon, starry-eyed, school girl, bad poetry, true blue kind of love. So anything he did was forgivable...because I understood him...and in the end, knowing him helped me know that I didn't want to be his girl. I just wanted to be with him in any way I could. And he shunned me for it, and as punishment, he decided to go away for awhile, like usual. But unlike usual, he was gone a very long time.
And so comes my current boyfriend. My first heartache...my first requited love. I met him my freshman year in college. I didn't want anything to do with him at first. He was too young...too immature...too...pure. I had already been fucked over royally by the time I met him, so when I met him, he caught the whiplash of that. But it didn't deter him, no. And one day I looked over at his beautiful face and it hit me...I loved him...really loved him. I wanted to be with him forever. As fate would have it, as soon as I realize this, he comes to the conclusion that all the bullshit I had shoveled at him was true and he breaks up with me. Now...I deserved that big time, and even though it really hurt me, it didn't destroy me, and we remained friends all this time. We would lose touch and then somehow come together again, which is what happened again last September. By October, he confessed he still loved me and wanted us to be together. By December, I finally relented and became his girl completely. I say completely, because I agreed in October, but I didn't stop sleeping with First Crush until December. Oh, First Love knew this, and accepted this, but once he asked me to be faithful, without question, I was. Without looking back.
Until a couple of days ago.
First Crush of course finally called me again, figuring I should be good and tamed by his absence. It was hard, but I told him no, that I was with someone, and unlike him, I was faithful. But I still wanted us to be friends. And he still wanted us to be friends. And maybe a bit too quickly, he agreed that we were over in that way and were now the way we were before the sex. So, great, friends. Until First Love tells me he doesn't approve and that First Crush has another agenda...and that he wants me to stay away from him. With everything that he knows that went on with me and First Crush, he hates the thought of me even thinking about talking to him. For reasons I don't understand, it made me want to see First Crush more...it made me want to prove we could be friends, thus making First Love accept our friendship and all would be love. I was so wrong.
I meet up with First Crush and all the old feelings rush, but I retain them coolly. When he reaches to touch me, I pull away. When he makes comments, I look at him and shake my head. We both know we can't do anything. We know I love my man. We know that we could never be anymore than what we were...right? So I leave. I go home. Triumphant in our new friendship and proud of my self control. So how he ended up at my place at midnight is a mystery. Why he asked to stay and just sleep...and why I agreed to it really escape. And even though I burst into tears a few times, he still managed to find his way between my legs and make me into the one thing I had vowed to never be...a fucking cheater.
First Love will be home finally on Tuesday. We will be together for the first time in ages, since we decided to become a couple again through the mail (stupid I know...but circumstances couldn't make it any other way). I will see his sweet, unsuspecting face and I will have to make a decision. I will either tell him the truth and hurt him to the quick, or never tell him, making me into a liar on top of being a cheat. On Tuesday, my life will change forever, because either way I choose, I lose.
Oh...the wishes I made that came true? For First Crush to always want me with that indescribable burn that we share and for First Love to come back to me so we could try it again. I never guessed that these wishes would overlap and try to negate each other. Who could have guessed that the only men I ever loved would just happen to be in my life at the same time after years of never coinciding? Who would have known that I could love them both in opposite but equal ways that would constantly test my loyalties? Common sense says that only one loves me and the the other one only loves my ass...but still...my stupid heart keeps me loving them both.
Love is a mother fucking cunt...
especially for making me into the biggest cunt of them all.
posted by Anonymous | 9:43 pm
ah i am in your first crush mode now - thinking that he will make me happy, but makes me miserable. and i feel so damn shitty bout myself, and wondering, i keep emailing him - thus pushing him away even further. truth is i have never slept with anyone like i have with him, and boy, he rocks me. i think the truth is the way to go, and it sucks having to do it. damn wishes
This site is for the heartbroken. Not the heartbreaking.
Straighten up or get lost.
wow... no matter what he will lose respect for you. and no matter what, the truth will surface eventually. if you are honest from the beginning, you can at least retain some amount of respect for your honesty. if you lie, the guilt will eat you up and you will be seen as nothing but a pile of garbage.
Juliet - are you dissin anonymous posters?
I will happily insult people that whine anonymously, miss letters from words, use the word "diss" and state the fucking obvious, yes.
If you really and honestly feel that you made a mistake when you cheated, don't do it again and for god's sake, DON'T tell First Love. Confessing something like cheating is only to assuage your OWN guilt to make YOURSELF feel better, while you make your loved one feel like shit and destroy his self-esteem all in one fell swoop. But if you view your cheating as something you were able to get away with and are likely to do it again, break up with First Love and just tell him you aren't ready for the commitment, because you obviously aren't.
and yet anonymous remains an option. interesting reponse, as i feel as i am a relatively hip person, strong thought out opinions, and do not care if i cannot type, yet often am insulted as you do. words are not my forte, i truly do not get it? and whining, i thought i was participating, albeit, anonymously
Anonymous comments remain on, so that non-blogspot folk can easily add stuff of substance/interest to the thread - as has been done twice now under this very post.
Not so people like you can go about asking obvious and idiotic questions in a language they have no grasp of in a virtual world composed completely of said language. But there aren't so many people like you, so anon. commenting remains available.
If you'd like to add your strong, hip opinion - feel free. But until then, why not naff off?
i appreciate the anonymous as i am a non blogspot person myself. if there are two resonable responses, them my first anonymous post was fine, and then why am i worse as anonymous. see your comment 9/3 8:53 PM
That comment was directed at YosemiteSammy. He might've chosen a name, but he was essentially non-blogspot, anonymous and making a totally pointless and offensive comment. So I took offence to that.
I was not referring to the first anonymous comment at all - which like I said was perfectly fine and actually quite good!
Anon. commenting - as you can see - can create confusion like this as well... You should choose "other" and at least give yourself a name, so people can tell who is who.
thanks Juliet! i appreciate your effort to comunicate - which is all i want to do too!
cheers
Very interesting blog. Don't tell FL anything, you'd be a fool to do so. You'd only hurt him, he'd hate you, he'd finish the relationship. Silence is golden.