But For Now

Baboo would have turned 53-years-old today. It feels odd that I want to sing happy birthday to a dead man—but quite naturally it also feels odd realizing for the thousandth time that Baboo is no longer alive. Regardless of that one minor detail, my mind will not wrap around the idea to make it concrete, and sometimes I find myself thinking he simply took an extended vacation from our relationship but will come back to me eventually. He can’t possibly be dead, I think, because there is too much we never said for lack of words or too great of fear—above all, he can’t be dead if I still love him. Nevertheless, he is deceased, and my logic acknowledges the facts even when my emotions occasionally distort the truth.

Truth: The only kiss I ever missed, I shared with Baboo.

Truth: After reading a stimulating book or watching a beautiful film, I want nothing more than to discuss my thoughts with Baboo, just as I did before he passed on. His mind held countless facts and a discussion with him always turned into a platform on which he would spout out information I never knew existed, and I loved him for it.

Truth: When I sleep with another man, I feel like I am cheating on Baboo once again. Sometimes I feel my stomach twist into tiny, painful knots after sex because I fear telling Baboo the truth, and only after a short attack of panic do I realize that no wrongdoing was committed. Baboo will never learn of my escapades with Snipe because he is no longer around.

Yes, Baboo would have turned 53-years-old today and I would love to be his girl still, but what would or could have been is only wishful thinking better left for idle daydreaming. I miss him more than I can possibly describe, but I also know I need to continue moving forward and not deny myself the pleasure of trying new things, or meeting new people. Secretly I am happy to be free of the complications our relationship and the constant battles he and I had to fight; more often than not, the battles were not Baboo and I verses The World, but rather Baboo verses Alisha. We fought for truth—Baboo never completely trusting me after the last time I cheated—and we fought for freedom, with me feeling suffocated by Baboo’s good intentions and genuine affection. Despite all that, I miss the good times we had much more than I regret the hurtful and exhausting arguments.

I will never know life without Baboo in it, for he is with me every day in spirit and resides in my memory, but sometimes that is not enough. Sometimes it is. Love is too complicated for analysis, or maybe the truth just hurts too much for a thorough dissection of an exceptionally powerful and life-altering relationship. Perhaps all I need is to send a Happy Birthday out to Baboo, and keep on smiling for all the little things I was fortunate enough to experience with a man who never turned away from loving me while he still had time.