Abattoir Blues, by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

This mp3 came up this morning on my iTunes, and I'm listeing to it on repeat as I type. It was sent to me by the girl whom I loved as a cunt. I dont know this song, what it's about, or exactly when she sent it to me, but it was very near the end - the end of our electronic correspondence. The song seems apt to the sadness it evokes. It marked the time when my once-infinite desire ended. To be replaced by a self-disgust that I had abased myself so far for so little. The main result of my journey-IAC is that I am more aware of myself: sad and angry. I try not to think of her much now, but why not admit it, I do, and I wonder if she ever thinks of me. My head tells me that when she comes across the mp3s I sent her, she either shudders in relief to be clean-free of my distance-yearning, or is mildly pleased that she didnt waste her time with a completely tasteless jerk, depending on whether the track is crap or not. My heart wants to live on planet fantasy, where she'd like to know what I'm up to, where my self-respect remained intact.

P.S. In an act of faith, I just deleted the track - for good.