Pretending to be single

I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I'm married, but like to act single. I have my reasons for it. Basically, it comes down to this:

If the person you are with does not give you any reason to believe that you are loved by them or that you are worth anything to them, then you will look for love somewhere else.

But it's not that simple.

I would give anything to return to my life, the way it was about a year ago. Then I didn't know that I was not good enough. I didn't know that my husband had been searching for love from someone else, not once, but twice. I was happy being married. I believed in monogamy. But love is a big, wet, dripping, mother fucking cunt.

Had he told me about the first time he tried to go out with someone else (actually, it was during my pregnancy), then we wouldn't be married today. But being the egotistical bastard that he is most of the time, he lied. Instead he decided not to say a thing, because he realized "how much he loved me and wanted us to be a family." (Yeah, makes me want to blow chunks too). He figured that if he told me, I would not have him anymore. It took him 7 years to tell me. He only told me, because he was trying to hide the second time. I found out about the second time, because she told me.

Having found out about all of the lies and his need for someone else changed me. I stopped believing that he loved me. I took my trust away from him. That hurt, because he was the first person in my life that I ever trusted. I began to doubt myself, wondering what was wrong with me. I thought maybe I was too fat, not pretty enough, etc. We have sex all the time, why does he need it from someone else? What is missing in our relationship? I knew what was missing for me: he cannot love me with passion.

Before I knew it, I had several men showing me attention. I chose one, pretended to be in love with him, and had an affair. I did not lie or keep it secret to my husband at all. But I did not love that man, and as soon as I told myself the truth I ended the realtionship. My husband and I try to work on our realtionship, but I still need that love that is missing. I have to fight with myself, whether or not it is worth giving in to my feelings for other men. What makes it worse, is that I asked him, if he would give up the idea of an affair to be with just me. He said he was not able to say that he wouldn't have an affair. So, I must not be worth it. And that makes my marriage less binding. Who can blame me for acting single, when I may as well be?