The age of reason
Your letter really shocked me. I was surprised that you were capable of writing something so brutal and virulent.
But that wasn’t my intention.
But I understood that you were somehow shocked at my behaviour and I really have to explain to you that things just aren’t possible when there’s such a large age difference between us. What? Say something. Hm? Surely you’re not lost for words?
A little, yes.
At least we’re starting to talk. But please tell me what you’re thinking. What did you expect to hear? Hmm? Say something.
I did expect you to end it…but not for that reason. It’s crazy.
Listen, you’re a beautiful intelligent woman. You could have any man you want. Why waste yourself on me?
Because I love you. Your age doesn’t even enter into it. It’s never posed a problem for me.
But it poses a problem for me. I have to think of the image I project and peoples’ opinions of me. It’s not as though nobody knows who I am. There is a standard of normality and society imposes a conception of normality on us. We’d always have problems. We’d always attract venomous comments and criticism. We’d never be happy. For god’s sake, I’m older than your father! How old are you now, 26?
24. It was my birthday yesterday.
Oh god, I’m sorry. Happy birthday. [he caresses her hand] But 24, that’s…more than thirty years between us.
But I don’t care about your age! I feel things for you because you’re you. Your age isn’t important.
That’s easy for you to say because you’re the younger of us two. You don’t have the same problems as I do. You’re a beautiful intelligent woman with so much going for you. You have your life to get on with . I’ve already had my chance. You don’t need me in your life to hold you back.
But I want you. It’s not a problem for me.
No, but it is for me.
I can see that.
If we were on a desert island and far from everyone else I assure you we’d be in heaven and make love all day. Wouldn’t we? But you have to understand that I have an ethic. It’s true that I love you and desire you and that it’s been a long time that’s been the case. It’s been a long time that I’ve felt it on your side too. We must know each other for two or three years now and I’ve felt your feelings for me. Then our desire became more intense and voilà. But there are days when I wake up in the morning and ask myself ‘M, what the fuck are you doing with her?’. I don’t have the right to use your youth. I’ve already had my chance and youth. Honestly I could act according to my instincts. I want to. It’s tempting. I swear I’m tempted. But I say to myself ‘who are you to steal her beauty and youth ? What right have you to do that?’. You should be with a man your own age. To enjoy yourself and discover life together.
I’ve already been out with men my age. They don’t interest me. I want you. Do you undersand what I’m telling you? I want you.
Honestly I can’t tell you how happy that makes me to hear that. But we have to return to normality. I can’t offer you a normal life, a marriage, a future. I’m incapable of doing it. Be honest, we have no future together if we continue. It would be a waste of your time and youth. I honestly want you, but social conventions don’t allow it. I’ll always be old enough to be your father. It disturbs me when I think you're of an age where you could be my daughter. I’m sick of going to restaurants and being mistaken for your father and not your lover. Or seeing the looks and overhearing the whispers that I’m a dirty old man who must be paying you. If it were one of your friends or mine I'm sure you'd think it a weird arrangement. I don’t want people to think I’m abusing your naivety or youth. You’re so beautiful. And if I didn’t have any respect for you I’d be perfectly happy to fuck you knowing full well that we don’t have a future together. If I’m saying all this it’s because I respect you. It’s the most logical solution. Do you understand? Please…say something. You’re an intelligent girl. You must understand, surely?
Yes, I understand. I don’t agree, but I understand. A good start, I suppose.
What don’t you understand?
How can you say it’s logical to make a decision based on an age difference ? It’s completely illogical. Age is the only thing that we can’t change. It’s not my fault that I was born in ’81 just as it isn’t your fault that you were born in…
In ‘47. Yes, I know that you still love me despite all that, but society just won’t have it. But at least we're talking about this. Maybe one day I'll get over it in which case we can always see where things are when the time comes. But for now that's how I feel. Surely you understand my reasoning here? I don’t want you to think I’m a bastard.
No, you’re not. [she caresses his knee but restrains herself from standing behind him and kissing the nape of his neck, burying her face in his musky silver hair] How could you say such a thing ? If I chose to get involved with you I can’t turn around and say that.
But your letter was so brutal. I was shocked. Really. But I’m glad that you expressed yourself instead of bottling it all up and letting so much rancour accumulate. I read it and reread it and weighed up what you said. And I tore it up. I threw it away. Oh my beautiful English girl…don’t cry. [he ruffles her hair to comfort her as though she were a child]
I’m sorry, it’s not very English of me.
No, my darling, it isn’t. But do you understand why this can’t work?
But it’s so hard for me. You don’t know the strength it takes. Every time I see you I have to find the strength to resist…caressing you and kissing you. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I jump each time the phone rings in case it’s you. It’s hard.
Stop talking like that or you’ll get me annoyed…come on, let’s go for a little walk to calm you down and then you can go back into the rehearsal. Are you coming? Hm? Ok then.
The woman cannot stop crying, hiding her head, which she has pressed to her knees as she is doubled over in her chair. The man leaves her alone in the room. He gently closes the door behind him.
posted by Pallas Athene | 1:09 pm
aldjre;aoingdfa;lek;nagads;linga;oidnasd;onaga?
Perhaps I'm completely stupid, but I'm sure that you posted somewhere about being a snail and how you craved honesty from a lover.
And isn't this what you got? Brutal honesty from a man who clearly doesn't love you in any sense of the velvet meaning?
He forgot your birthday for Christ sakes and cowardly walked away from a loving woman because his buddies thought he was a sicko? Quality!
That is not a man. That is a twenty-two year old who is afraid of projecting the wrong MTV image for a very brief and confusing part of his existence.
Perhaps you were taken by his charm, or his cooing affection slip-ups. Perhaps you should put on an album by extreme and take into consideration their very basic advice. If actions can speak louder than words, this man has written volumns.
And besides. I was also under the impression that you were happy? That you were smiling and perhaps stumbling into a new understanding of a sort of uncondtional love? I suppose you blew that though... like most woman do.
I do not understand how anyone can live in a past so miserable when they have a sunny present to splurge in.
How terribly selfish of you.
it seems as though he was trying to let go of you for some time now. and though he was attempting to make it sweet, by complementing you, he also didn't know your age. obviously he does not reciprocate your love and never has. i hope you let it go and move on.
you should consider buying this book.
I think what actually upset me was when he said that he had torn up my letter. The *physical destruction* of all my little feelings. The image was so vivid that I felt as though he had literally torn up my heart with the letter. But you are right, he *is* a coward and I’m incensed at that. I’m actually pissed off that he had to wait four months to come up with such specious nonsense – to discriminate on the basis of age alone is a sophism of magnanimous proportions. I felt so utterly disappointed at having invested in a man who thinks I’d actually believe that it’s a valid reason. And a man who would actually leave me crying in a room alone.
As for being on the threshold of happiness, I think this situation created a weird overlap between the past, the present and the future, much like seeing a crescent moon at dawn. He no longer has a place in my life now. And I fully intend to dive head first into the splurge of happiness. Thank you for the wake-up call, Didums. :)
Interesting you should pick up on that line. I think what I meant to convey to him was that it wasn’t a question of youth and that my feelings were deeper than that, that is, I was prepared to look past the question of age for *him*, because I mistakenly thought he was somehow exceptional. I wanted to dispel any insecurities he had that I might run off with a younger man. My reasoning was thus: being old doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person or incapable of being a romantic and sincere lover, same as being young doesn’t guarantee it. It’s not your fault you get old so it would be stupid to hold that against someone who genuinely cares about you. I don’t specifically go looking for older men, but conversely will not automatically write one off on the *sole* basis of age – it’s each individual on his merits. In this case, he obviously didn’t genuinely care about me after all, so my affection was unfortunately channelled to the wrong person.
However, just randomly, with age also comes life experience, which can add a lot to a relationship and make it a very fulfilling learning experience. I’ve learned a lot from him and he was of great support during a difficult time – he kept me truly inspired and motivated and made sure I didn’t give up on the various professional projects I had going for me. He gave me invaluable advice in making certain choices. I’ve also learned a few lessons from the way he has treated me which, all in all, will make me wiser, I hope. I think it just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that he felt he had to come up with pathetic excuses to end it.
God, why should this be? On the other end of this sort of crap, being 50 in a few weeks time and beloved (coup de foudre, never equalled in any of the many relationships I've had) is 33, doesn't want me at all.
I hoped that the age thing might mean I could offer more than an acne-blighted yobbish youth who can't hold his drink can; she's taught me lots, I wish she'd acknowldge that I could teach her something too