I, Cunt

I didn’t realise that all this playing, this seemingly harmless flirtation could alone be enough to re-ignite fires that are as old and deep burning as the sun. I thought that as long as I didn’t make love to you, that I would be safe from love. What sort of cunt am I, that I should sail into this with such fuck-headed stupidity, especially given the intensity of my feelings towards you last time?

I can still taste you from when we last kissed, and still feel the warmth of you next to me. And your kissing was beautiful, not like when we were younger, when your eargerness translated into that boyish, clumsy kissing... no this was sweet, sweet perfection.

And yet. We’re just playing, albeit with fire. Like another post on here, I’ve been playing the seductress and you, the helplessly seduced, although I am the one who is bewitched by your charms. If you weren’t already in a relationship, then we wouldn’t continue this elaborate dance of teasing and igniting, flirting and abruptly pulling back, only to start the cycle all over again. I don’t want to see anyone get hurt, but I’m already enchanted by your spell. I’m just getting tired of the games.

We’ve come close.... oh, so close and God, I am thirsty for you. I want you in every way there is. I want to fuck you and continue playing this precarious role, but I also feel a tenderness towards you that transcends sex. You beautiful fucking bastard. I would be by your side in a heartbeat if you’d have me.

Breaking up with you before felt akin to being disembowled by a tiny, winged, serpent of death. From then to the present day, you have featured quite heavily in my dreams, the most recent being a dream where you proposed to me and I felt blissfully complete. For fucks sake! My subconscious clearly has a deeply twisted sense of humour. The disturbing thing about all this, is that there is a part of me that truly believes we could yet end up together.

It was one text that started it. One little flirty text. I’m trying to be rational. I’m trying to walk away, to let you go. I’ve tried to just chuck it in the category of biology, plain and fucking simple, strip it of it’s sweet and alluring mystery. But, the poor, deluded idiot that I am, I refuse to totally believe that. Oh the danger signs are all in place for me to act like a complete cock. I’m still soaring a little too-close to the sun, and, with weary resignation, sooner or later, the wax will melt and I will fall into a tangled mess of bloodied limbs and blackened dreams. Hopeless as this surely is, doomed and stupid and tainted with all the fragility of what it is to be human, I will probably not walk away...yet.