I hope Cupid shoots you in the ass
Valentine's Day is quickly approaching (click here for the LIAC Valentine's Card). Some people are trying to come up with an original idea to say "I love you" to that special someone. Others are sifting through their emergency suicidal kit.
I may never understand the need to shower your beloved with heart-shaped sweets, cards adorned with puppies and sappy love spew, and red roses that will just die. I don't mean just on Valentine's Day. I mean everyday. The argument that you should show affection to the one you love not just on Valentine's Day, but also every day of the year is quite shallow.
But setting my bitter heart aside, I shall help all of you love sick souls out there. I am truly a helpless romantic after all.
To the boy, who really wants to get the girl to say, "aww!":
Buy a large chocolate heart. Put it in the oven on some foil and leave it just till it starts to melt. Then put it in the freezer. Once it's frozen, you can remove the foil and put it onto some red paper and wrap it up. Attach a little card stating, "You make my heart melt."
To the girl, who really wants the boy to say, "I love you":
two words: blow job.
To the man, who wants her to marry him:
Buy her a big, fat diamond ring.
To the woman, who wants him to propose:
two words: blow job.
But is this really what you want? You sick sadistic fuck. Did I not warn you? Well perish as you please then.
Now on to you poor, pathetic souls who've recently been dumped. It's because you're ugly, a bad lay, and face it, you're stupid. But revenge is sweet and so is Valentine's Day.
Men to ruin your ex's day, do one of the following:
1. Send her a fake wedding invitation to your up-coming wedding. If you can, put in a picture of you with some really hot chick. Maybe get some Hooters' waitress to pose with your sorry ass.
2. Send her a card saying, "Happy Valentine's Day! Me and the guys will just kick back, eat a few chips, drink a few beers, and watch the porn video I made of you giving me a blow job last year. Hope yours will be great too."
Women to ruin your ex's day, do this:
Send him a positive pregnancy test and card saying,"Happy Valentine's Day! Remember to wear condoms."
Of course I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. It's too commercialized. I do however celebrate March 14th, Steak and Blow Job Day. Who's bringing the steak?
I may never understand the need to shower your beloved with heart-shaped sweets, cards adorned with puppies and sappy love spew, and red roses that will just die. I don't mean just on Valentine's Day. I mean everyday. The argument that you should show affection to the one you love not just on Valentine's Day, but also every day of the year is quite shallow.
But setting my bitter heart aside, I shall help all of you love sick souls out there. I am truly a helpless romantic after all.
To the boy, who really wants to get the girl to say, "aww!":
Buy a large chocolate heart. Put it in the oven on some foil and leave it just till it starts to melt. Then put it in the freezer. Once it's frozen, you can remove the foil and put it onto some red paper and wrap it up. Attach a little card stating, "You make my heart melt."
To the girl, who really wants the boy to say, "I love you":
two words: blow job.
To the man, who wants her to marry him:
Buy her a big, fat diamond ring.
To the woman, who wants him to propose:
two words: blow job.
But is this really what you want? You sick sadistic fuck. Did I not warn you? Well perish as you please then.
Now on to you poor, pathetic souls who've recently been dumped. It's because you're ugly, a bad lay, and face it, you're stupid. But revenge is sweet and so is Valentine's Day.
Men to ruin your ex's day, do one of the following:
1. Send her a fake wedding invitation to your up-coming wedding. If you can, put in a picture of you with some really hot chick. Maybe get some Hooters' waitress to pose with your sorry ass.
2. Send her a card saying, "Happy Valentine's Day! Me and the guys will just kick back, eat a few chips, drink a few beers, and watch the porn video I made of you giving me a blow job last year. Hope yours will be great too."
Women to ruin your ex's day, do this:
Send him a positive pregnancy test and card saying,"Happy Valentine's Day! Remember to wear condoms."
Of course I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. It's too commercialized. I do however celebrate March 14th, Steak and Blow Job Day. Who's bringing the steak?
posted by pillowfeather | 9:02 pm
if at least one man gets a blow job because of this post, then i'll be happy. and i know at least one man who will be. mmm. i love it.
the idea of the melted heart came to me as i wrote this. i just thought it was utterly disgusting. glad it made you spew. mission accomplished.
now back to cock.
For heaven's sake...is the thesis advanced by commentators here really that the terror of love can only be invoked by fellatio? Why the hell am I in the bloody state that I am when L and I have exchanged a handful of chaste kisses, and the last one nigh on a bloody year ago?
Your insights are as trivial as your pudenda. I spit on them both.
LS: The thesis isn't that love can only be evoked by great head, but that great head is a guarantor.
Your lady might've stolen your soul away with kisses; I would theorise that a slightly lesser girl would've done the same if she sucked your pudenda.
Deny it? You cannot.
With all the respect that is due to both juliet and pillowfeather I think you miss the point.
I'm very nearly 50. I have had the standard number of intense and casual relationships over the years. I have committed acts of quasi-Sadeian filthiness with women and, I am sorry to say, in extreme youth with men, (so does that mean I'm, in pf's elegant phrase, a pansy-arse?) but none of the people involved in these debaucheries were closer to me than the North pole. L on the other hand has kissed me socially on a handful of occasions.
I'm trying to suggest that your mechanical materialist world view may be a little naive. Or did Beatrice and Laura fellate Dante and Petrarch?
Oh yes, and I think if you wish to refer to one man's penis, pudendum might be more correct, though the term in its plural pudenda seems to be mostly used for women's genitalia, after which this great blog is named.
LS, you're getting too serious in a joke thread. You'll be able to tell the serious discussions by the fact they aren't started by PF.
Put the "older-than-thou" card away for now, you pudendum-head.
LS, really, my post was meant as a bit of humor. nothing more. as was my pansy ass comment. i'm really a kitten.
Re age, I'm sorry, I'm not pulling rank, merely saying that I have abundant and I must confess, pleasant, memories of this act that you consider the sine qua non of love. But associated with those memories are none of the devastating, crippling, tormenting things that have happened to me in the past fifteen months in a relationship with someone I have barely touched. Too serious? No, because I laugh at my bloody self all the time.
Maybe you fell in love with an image of her, rather than her actual self? If you barely touched her, then I'd say that cannot equal the dual physical/mental fullness of an absolute fall. And filling in the intimacy blanks, you might've pencilled in lots of head..?
But I digress back to banter - you need to continue your story. I was quite looking forward to hearing the rest.
I do apologise for monopolising this thread. JiB, you are course correct and I shall continue the story, though if you are expecting exciting plot developments, or anything that might be called action, you'll be disappointed. If you cannot wait, see my blog, where the whole sorry history is presented in documentary fashion.
But I must defend myself now against t the charge of being only a cerebral lover: as you shall see, there is as strong an element of physical desire as mental.
As for the rest of you, back to the suppurating lesions of the cunts and arseholes your pox-ridden doxies and catamites. I look forward to seeing you in the next edition of Dr Caius's Illustrarated Colour Atlas of Venereal Dermatology (Grabber & Grabber, 75 guineas); the classic 1968 edition is by my bed and offers much solace.
This is one of the funniest things I've read in ages. You've definitely just made it onto my list of sites to visit daily!
Though I post under the pseudonym 'anonymous' due to the constraints of the blogger system in it's myopic view of a standard commenting system, my given name is Joe and my surname is Clay. (http://www.gra-phix.com/)
LS, I don't quite see how a man who alludes to such archaic references as "Marquis de Sade", instead of using the more plebeian term "sadistic" — though I realize the change in connotation may be a little off-putting compared to your phrasing, would certainly have the uncanny ability to pick up on such subtleties of humor and witticism as presented in this post.
You are clearly a purveyor of fine language, however when one wishes to be understood, one will commonly relegate such intelligent vernacular to those who are likely to understand it. While I'm not suggesting that anyone who visits this site may be lacking in intelligence, I would certainly take into consideration that a much larger audience, and therefore a greater degree of variance of intelligence, is possible in such a forum and therefore take my usage of language into consideration.
While you upturn your nose with a foppish twist nota bene: I've sounded like an asshole (arsehole). It's not because I've assailed you with this posting. In fact if you take this as an attack, you have certainly been copying words from various thesauri that you know nothing of. I have indeed sounded pompous, and I have possibly insulted you with my 'foppish' comment. For that I feel remorse and I apologize, however the intent of this post still stands (and for the benefit of all I shall at once type in plain English) and I believe it was communicated effectively by making light of the way in which you have communicated: Don't try to impress us with your language. If it's hard for people to understand you, or you make allusions to things of which people know nothing, you're not making your point. The purpose of language is clear and effective communication. If your words are beyond the scope of the audience you have failed at communication.
I hope we're still friends :)
Pillowfeather, Lovely post! I'm sure we all realize that these are not the only ways to a man's heart, however they are definitely vices to which most of us will succumb. Maybe I need some of my own medicine? Nah, it should be understandable by those who need to understand.
Mr. Clay:
I only vaguely understood your point just then... Are you suggesting that Mr. Swain's use of language is putting his meaning out of reach? Or were you simply accusing him of pretension/trying to impress? As far as I can see, neither are true - and you must nota bene: there just happen to exist people that speak good English without trying.
It's easy to tell the people who are trying too hard on the 'fine language' front. Their writing doesn't flow. It's haphazard and arrhythmic. A bit like your comment. LS, on the other hand and sometimes under the influence of several brandies, writes brilliantly (even if it sends me scurrying for a Latin-English dictionary every few minutes) - his effortless, proper way of speaking is something which grows rarer for every day the world sinks into a pit of yanks.
I like the way he writes, and the fact that it's an education unto itself - if you've turned him off (even infinitely slightly) his full use of language, then you are a - for want of a more abstruse word - a cunt.
Mr. Clay here again.
It's funny that Juliet is Bleeding roughly forms a non-standard acronym: jib. Why is that funny? You accuse me of writing like that. There was nothing haphazard about my writing and nothing that did not flow. Had you presented some point for me to refute, I would have.
I am not saying that writing well is not a good thing. You have missed my point. I am saying that LSs attempts seem too staged. Perhaps I am being obtuse, but I believe a few good allusions are fine but I also believe he went a little over the mark.
For the record, I hate it when people bastardize normal conventions of english on the internet, so obviously this was not what I was talking about at all. Also, I was trying to mention that some of the audience would not take the time to research his statements so that they could see whatever wisdom is held in his words — so apparently my point was not completely missed.
LS, write what you will. I have bothered too much already on this post, however I don't really feel like coding PHP right now so I might just go and check out your blog because I must admit, you have piqued my interest.
MOZART
So then you like it? You really like it, Your Majesty?
JOSEPH
Of course I do. It's very good. Of course now and then - just now and then - it gets a touch elaborate.
MOZART
What do you mean, Sire?
JOSEPH
Well, I mean occasionally it seems to have, how shall one say? How shall one say, Director?
ORSINI-ROSENBERG
Too many notes, Your Majesty?
JOSEPH
Exactly. Very well put. Too many notes.
MOZART
I don't understand. There are just as many notes, Majesty, as are required. Neither more nor less.
JOSEPH
My dear fellow, there are in fact only so many notes the ear can hear in the course of an evening. I think I'm right in saying that, aren't I, Court Composer?
SALIERI
Yes! yes! er, on the whole, yes, Majesty.
MOZART
But this is absurd!
JOSEPH
My dear, young man, don't take it too hard. Your work is ingenious. It's quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that's all. Cut a few and it will be perfect.
MOZART
Which few did you have in mind, Majesty?
[ Pause. General embarrassment. ]
JOSEPH
Well. There it is.
(from Peter Shaffer's Amadeus)
And no, I didn't miss your point - next time try reading my comment, you fatuous little sod.
This whole thread has left me a bit wet.