The Fear.

Things with Joe are taking a turn for the scary this weekend.

I've never been with someone I like this much. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the institution of marriage in general, but I can see myself marrying this guy.

And that TERRIFIES me.

The transition from friendship to relationship is proving rather awkward, too, at least for me. This afternoon we finally got down and dirty in a serious way after two weeks of restraint. I have to say it was a little weird afterward, but I guess it's always a bit strange after you see someone come for the first time. It's just stranger when that someone used to be just a friend.

I can't quite pinpoint what it is that feels so odd and frightening and disorienting. Maybe it's my worry that he thinks we're just...

Oh god. I just got struck with the Fear. I suddenly glimpsed myself a month or two from now, bawling as he explains why we should split.

I've felt this Fear so many times with other guys I've dated. I hate feeling it toward him.

I'm pathetically afraid that he'll suddenly wake up and realize that he's got another girlfriend. My role in his life is currently changing from good-time party friend to actual real-life girlfriend, complete with faults and foibles. Maybe he's not ready for that. Hell, I KNOW he's not ready for that. He just got out of a serious relationship that had lasted for years. Does he even have the capacity to fall in love again?

Oh fuck I'm fucking so scared now. What happens when he comes to his senses? His goddamn ex is still floating around. She's seeing someone else, too, but she wants to remain friends with Joe. What if she breaks up with this new dude and comes crawling back to Joe, begging forgiveness and pleading for a (third) chance to make it work? He tells me that I am so much more what he wants in a partner than his ex, but obviously there was something about her...maybe it's a something that I don't have.

Christ on the cross, I'm scared. I think I'm falling in love with this guy.