Eureka...Finally
"Why is it that we become obsessed with people we don't even like that much?" - Before Sunrise
Yeah, I'm all right now instead of getting annoyed with myself for needing to check for new photos of him and his new girlfriend, wanting to hear from other friends of what they might be up to. I'm all right with all that now because I understand it's not because I have some sort of unresolved emotion for him still. Or even that he means in any way signficant to me anymore. So, why is it that we become obsessed with people we don't even like that much?
For me, I think it's because he's a part of my past, a part of the stupidities in my past, manifested by my then-immaturity. And I marvel that a piece of that continues on, and so I'm curious how that part evolves with another additional element. Then I can finally determine which part of our mess was me being the mess-up and which part was him all along.
Of course there's a flaw to that system. I've learnt a lot for my relationship now from all my fuck-ups before; I'm sure he has too. So I guess part of the fascination is also my desire to see exactly what lessons he might have picked up, so that I can be satisfied in knowing that he's finally admitted to errors that he had before so vehemently denied.
Vindictively, I don't wish him well with his girlfriend, to be perfectly honest. But, from my above realization, I see that it isn't because I am at all jealous. It's only because his break-up (again) would mean I'm not entirely to blame for how things had fallen apart between us. Something I know he still refuses to acknowledge.
Good to know that it isn't because I still love him and am just now suffering from regret, or that I secretly feel inferior to his current girl. It's just simple selfishness and spitefulness on my part. Those things, I am already familiar with anyways.
Yeah, I'm all right now instead of getting annoyed with myself for needing to check for new photos of him and his new girlfriend, wanting to hear from other friends of what they might be up to. I'm all right with all that now because I understand it's not because I have some sort of unresolved emotion for him still. Or even that he means in any way signficant to me anymore. So, why is it that we become obsessed with people we don't even like that much?
For me, I think it's because he's a part of my past, a part of the stupidities in my past, manifested by my then-immaturity. And I marvel that a piece of that continues on, and so I'm curious how that part evolves with another additional element. Then I can finally determine which part of our mess was me being the mess-up and which part was him all along.
Of course there's a flaw to that system. I've learnt a lot for my relationship now from all my fuck-ups before; I'm sure he has too. So I guess part of the fascination is also my desire to see exactly what lessons he might have picked up, so that I can be satisfied in knowing that he's finally admitted to errors that he had before so vehemently denied.
Vindictively, I don't wish him well with his girlfriend, to be perfectly honest. But, from my above realization, I see that it isn't because I am at all jealous. It's only because his break-up (again) would mean I'm not entirely to blame for how things had fallen apart between us. Something I know he still refuses to acknowledge.
Good to know that it isn't because I still love him and am just now suffering from regret, or that I secretly feel inferior to his current girl. It's just simple selfishness and spitefulness on my part. Those things, I am already familiar with anyways.
posted by Anonymous | 7:52 am
I love bitter attitudes towards exboyfriends. They give me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. ;)
If you didn't care about him, you wouldn't care about him.
What blatant lies and unfairness?
Unless you're me, underlying bitterness and other negative undertones usually fall short in pixel format.
I waited four years for my first love to admit that he fucked it up. Then I realised that I was a cunting moron and was just as much to blame.
Why should he have to admit to you what he did wrong?
Bottom line is, he doesn't owe you jack and should be using his new found understanding of love (how silly of a concept!) to better his now relationship with his current girlfriend. Not make too-late amens with a girl that he probably thinks fucked him just as much as he fucked you.
He's not *your* boyfriend anymore. Get over it. Or I'm going to have to remove all butcher knives from your house as a safety blanket.