Does this cloth smell of chloroform to you..?

Chat-up lines. We’ve all used them or heard them. They’re a bunch of fucking BS, only one step above “nice weather, today?” in the intelligence stakes and only one step below “I love your bazoongas” in the tact stakes. It’s all pre-packaged, slimy nothingness which… etc. I didn’t really want to discuss them all day, because anybody that needs the rubbishness of chat-up lines explained to them also needs a spike in the face and I can’t manage that from here.

No, what I want to discuss is my second sentence. We’ve all used or heard them. We can segment that into – all men have used them, and all women have heard them. And that’s a general fact. And it’s a very telling general fact – men always use them on women, and not the other way around.

Okay, I’m still talking about sodding chat-up lines and I don’t want to. Let’s expand it to: Men start chatting up women, usually, and not vice versa. That’s true, right? And I’m not talking about chat-up lines, either, which is good for my blood pressure. Chatting someone up is a subtle, protracted affair with a whole host of interesting techniques that makes it fun for both parties (assuming one isn’t more hideously malformed than the other). But why do men always start chatting the women up?

I’m mentioning this, because I’ve had chats with various lady friends, that have made it apparent that girls find it hard to approach men in this way. Even stupendously fit girls. The ones that get chatted up by two hundred guys when they step outside to collect the milk. They’re quite at home being hit on once every millesecond from the time they step into public till the moment they send the last guy crying back to his pornography, but if you ask them to choose a guy they like and go hit on them, they’re as lost as a lobotomised bint trying to navigate the Hanger Lane gyratory at two to nine in the morning.

Oh – wait a second – I do realise that girls find it easy to attract guys. They can dress with effect, dance your soul away and turn their eyes and smiles into long-ranged, gibber-inducing devices which would win any battlefield stalemate. What I’m talking about isn’t the subtle stuff. I’m talking about what guys have to do – actually approach and make first contact.

Why would women have to do that? To put it simply, although guys might have a general, relative charm of exactly zero Kelvins when compared to women, they at least get to choose the girls they chat up (or the ones they think about chatting up for hours and hours before going home and sleeping alone, for the entire rest of their lives). Women, on the other hand, are usually stuck with who they get coming to them. They might try and attract some dude from afar, but at the end of the day they will end up with whoever chooses to go and talk to them. And there’s a fair chance the guy will be a cunt.

So it’s a problem for girls – that they can’t actively choose the total oafs they want to fuck them over. Why?

Well, it’s not like I have the answer. What did you expect, a detailed explanation of the cause and a paradigm shift in favour of the solution? Ha – not today. I have no idea.

Damn it's sunny in London. I’m off to the park.