Flashback to 2004: An E-mail to Baboo

Written March 1, 2004, the following e-mail from my heart to my Baboo depics the state of anxiety I felt in terms of our relationship and my feelings. I was scared to tell him how I really felt and I was unsure whether I should tell him those three dangerous words, "I love you." Now he is dead and...that's that. I wish I would've spent more time loving him than analyzing whether we were really right for one another.

TO: Baboo
FROM: Alisha

"We are forever a pair, even after all strings are cut and we no longer communicate..."

As I sat on the toilet seat, tears could be felt forming. Though nothing terrible has occurred today, I just had the urge to cry. So many thoughts floated around in my head, most pertaining to you. To save them for our next discussion, to address them not in the present but in the future, would be a mistake. We both know how forgetful I am.

To begin with, I beg you to keep this thing in mind: I love you so tremendously that I am almost unable to come up with a comparison. My love for you is bigger than New York City and all of its little ant people scurrying around on the sidewalks; it is more powerful than the deadliest nuclear bomb, and more heartfelt than the gospel choir of an African-American church is on Sunday. What you offer me is companionship, a kind that I have never before experienced. Total freedom is felt when I am conversing with you, which is the causation for your knowledge of many secrets I have concealed from all others. Something special, though what it is leaves me puzzled, bonds you and me. We are forever a pair, even after all strings are cut and we no longer communicate—that, I pray, will happen in a distant future, if not at all.

"Our relationship...could endure many hardships..."

As you pointed out on Sunday, it is scary to think of how tenuous our relationship is; at any point in time, we could disassociate with one another, breaking the sweet spell, I sometimes feel we are under. Such circumstances are frightening because of what you mean to me, and I to you. The loss would be difficult to bear, and I am sure it would take me a long time to recover. Delicate as it may be, I do believe that our relationship, solidly found without any formal stipulations, could endure many hardships—most of which I feel are due to me.

Now prepare yourself for negativity, as this section will include many noted shortcomings of yours truly. There are instances, as you know, when I feel lowly in association to you. When such feelings arise, it is my opinion that I am unworthy of your attention just as I am nothing more than wasted space; You, I think, could do so much better. Having such feelings kick in makes me want to push you away. If you are tired of me, or point blankly told to leave, you become safe from any harm I could do. It is my way of protecting you. I am not always a good person, you know.

However, the other side makes me realize that I do not want to separate from you. We are a pair. Life without you—I do not want to picture that. Pushing you away does not do me a bit of good, and I doubt that it creates any sense of comfort for you. In the end, I always realize that I cannot keep from you. You are my addiction, really, and though it makes me feel obsessive sometimes, I do not mind that I am a Baboo fiend.

You make me happier than anyone else can. When you call, it is as if I am high on life, just flying because of your voice (especially when you say, “tong”), the distinctive “ha, ha, ha” of your laugh, and the smile that I can picture on your face. There is nothing quite similar to the husky voice that comes with your excitement, or the vividness of seduction used on me, nor the moans of climax. Baby, no one holds a candle to you in my world, and I would not want it any other way.

On bad days, I think of you and feel better. When I consider all possible ways of quick suicide (however serious), I think of you and know that I cannot possibly die while you are around. Being the copycat that I am, I will paraphrase something you have mentioned to me before, “You’re like the light at the end of the tunnel. You make my days brighter and better with every thought.”

Every word is true, dear. At this point in my life, you are role is ever growing, expanding, and more enriching with each day that passes. To be short, I love you.