Scarred For Life

“Some experiences in life leave...scars.”

Some experiences in life leave us seriously scarred and incapable of overcoming; we try to push past the horrible memories and feelings but find it is not too easy to do. A particular incident that happened to my friend Travis is a perfect example of this. He does not date much because he lacks the courage to ask out a girl—actually, he gets so nervous that he hardly has the nerve to squeak out a simple “Hi, how are ya?” when approaching a girl. On the rare occasion that he lands himself a date, he gets so worked up that he cannot speak, and if he does happen to speak, he comes off as a loudmouth asshole. When I asked him why he reacts to the female sex like that, he told me a little story from his high school years.

When he was about fifteen-years-old, Travis joyfully excelled at music and thoroughly enjoyed playing in the trumpet section of his high school band. A much older girl held the head position of that particular section, a girl that perked his romantic interests even though the possibility of her returning the feelings, in his mind, was slim. Finding the courage to speak with the girl, Carmen, he discovered that they had a connection though it was uncertain whether that bond went beyond ‘just friends’ or not. Occasionally the pair hung out while at school or at band practice—Travis even waited around after class by her locker just to get in extra chitchat time with Carmen. Everything about their relationship seemed normal to him.

Every day, after band practice, Travis’ mom picked him up from school and then traveled back to the restaurant she co-owned with Travis’ dad, where he worked as a cook and dishwasher. The Greek-food restaurant was stationed in the same shopping center as the boutique Carmen worked in for extra cash, and although Travis never got a chance to say hello to her before or after work, he was aware she had a job in the shopping center. Then, due to the place his mother parked the family car, Travis got the chance to say hello to Carmen; she was walking out of the store at the same time Travis passed by on the way to the parking lot.

“Hey. How was work today?” he asked.

“Oh. Hey. It was fine,” she replied. Little else was exchanged between the two, as they were going in opposite directions.

The following two days, Carmen avoided the younger man who had a huge crush on her without any explanation. On the third day, she stormed into the band room and approached Travis, asking him for a private word. Once isolated, Carmen told him that she was aware of his affection toward her but that she could not bare him stalking her while at work.

“...How the hell can I be ‘stalking’...?”

Flabbergasted, Travis stared off into space and retreated into his mind, thinking, “I am fifteen years old and I don’t even have a drivers license or my own car. How the hell can I be ‘stalking’ this girl?”

Without defending himself—due to shock, no doubt—Travis left the room and went back to class. Everyone in the band room knew what Carmen told him, which made him believe she announced it to her friends before she ever spoke to him, and all the upper classmen made it a point to tease him nonstop about the incident. In fact, he was ridiculed everyday by the older band members until they graduated from high school, though the younger students didn’t treat him much better.

“...fear of rejection and public humiliation causes... anxiety”

It is his fear of rejection and public humiliation that causes Travis terrible anxiety, leaving him awkward and practically speechless around girls. He doesn’t want another female to accuse him of watching or obsessing over her, when in fact that is not even remotely close to the truth. All the dating finesse that might have been died when Carmen fingered out Travis as a stalker on unreasonable grounds.

“You shouldn’t let that girl or that one incident get to you,” I told Travis once, “because you are a great guy who will make some girl very happy one day. Just try relaxing by taking deep breaths or doing a bit of meditating before you approach someone of the opposite sex. Not all women are head cases like Carmen.”

“You know what the funny thing is? She wasn’t even very pretty,” he said with laughter.