Is It Really So Beautiful?

I never wanted to fall in love with you...but I guess it always happens that way.Love always comes along when you don't want it in the first place.If I could go back to when things were the best between us I wouldn't take it for granted like I did. I still find myself looking for you when I go walking. Thinking that you'll be waiting for me like you always did. Thinking that if I walk a little faster I'll get to you sooner and apologize. Just getting to you sooner can all the mistakes I've made but I never reach you.
Today I found myself listening to the same song over and over again. Before today the song didn't make sense. Its like the lyrics were hiding and all I had to do was listen as hard as I could until I heard them. I don't know who wrote the song but they've been here before.
I went outside and let the sun shine on my skin. I cried for awhile. I don't know if I cried because I hurt you, or if I cried because I don't know who I am without you. You've been my secret for the longest. That was all I had to do was to keep you a secret. Maybe it reflects upon my character poorly that I was wiling to live a lie for so long. it didn't matter though 'cause I was with you. As the sun beamed down on me I realized I was cold. Colder than I've ever been.
At certain points throughout the day I became enraged. I wondered to myself how I hurt you. When clearly you hurt me. How could you ask so much of me? I would have done anything for you. Thing is I never told you that nor will I ever.Maybe its your fault you made me feel alive. Like the needle pushing heroin into my veins. Maybe what I'm feeling today is withdrawal.
Then I found myself writing you a letter. It said everything I know I should've said, but I ripped it up. It felt good. I shouldn't have to justify myself. I messed up but so what life goes on. I wish it was as easy as that last sentence but it isn't. Maybe I should've tried harder to be faithful. Maybe I should've told you that something wasn't right. And I know I gave up trying to make things work along time ago. It seemed better to let things be as they were. Relationships need repairs every now and then but I was too caught up to make changes.
Now the day has ended and I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I think about the last time I saw you, and if I’ll see you again. Wondering what I'll say. If I should say hello or not say anything at all. Thinking that when I see you I should greet you with a kiss for actions speak louder than words. Maybe then you'd know that I'll never forget you. You'll always have a place in heart and I never meant to hurt you. And then maybe I could tell you that we could never be together again. Even though its what my heart desires.
If I have to love you in secret why love you at all? And if I can't give you all of me then what’s the point? Love is full of maybes and what if's...and what if I had never met you?
Then I probably wouldn't know such a beautiful pain like this one...