Just looking for love
I’m 45, I have had one long (mostly sexually frustrating) relationship in my life since the age of 22, and little else besides, until recently.... I have never had LIAC/romantic love (see post above for definition) for my wife. At least our relationship is based on something real – ever since I’ve known her, I’ve admired her / liked her company, jokes etc. She is my friend, always has been since day 1. Ask yourself if people you know in their 40s/50s/60s are in romantic love with each other? Are they in romantic/LIAC love, or did reality kick in? If so, why ever respect that jump into the choppy waters of unreality?
If you are far younger than me, all this talk of the long distant future may piss you off, but the point I’m making is that romantic love is a lie that eventually gets you into trouble. OK, so we may all know that part of our rat brain cant help doing it. But here, especially at this website, lets not pretend it’s ever going to come anything other than pain. Lets help each other to learn to quickly climb out of the water and dry off (see adjacent post about LIAC love).
This was all fine until recently, when I started “seeing” women other than my wife. I told myself it was to deal with the sexual frustration, which I shant go into any more here. Now I constantly feel the desperate need to connect emotionally, and know that I am addicted to the world of blogs/sites/affairs where I can get some reasonably kindly attention at little risk. Mixed in with this desperation/addiciton is a constant tendency I have to fall in LIAC-love with women I meet, even if I know them very little, and especially if they reject me. I am sure that this is not common or "nice" – on the contrary I am aware of a sad streak in me, constantly looking for someone to love, to connect with, even though I have a family to devote myself to.
I don’t quite know why I’m so desperate, but don’t you tell me, please! The one thing that I do know is that my desperation is part of my make-up now, and maybe always was since my childhood. With this piece of self-awareness, I hope to make better choices in future.
If you are far younger than me, all this talk of the long distant future may piss you off, but the point I’m making is that romantic love is a lie that eventually gets you into trouble. OK, so we may all know that part of our rat brain cant help doing it. But here, especially at this website, lets not pretend it’s ever going to come anything other than pain. Lets help each other to learn to quickly climb out of the water and dry off (see adjacent post about LIAC love).
This was all fine until recently, when I started “seeing” women other than my wife. I told myself it was to deal with the sexual frustration, which I shant go into any more here. Now I constantly feel the desperate need to connect emotionally, and know that I am addicted to the world of blogs/sites/affairs where I can get some reasonably kindly attention at little risk. Mixed in with this desperation/addiciton is a constant tendency I have to fall in LIAC-love with women I meet, even if I know them very little, and especially if they reject me. I am sure that this is not common or "nice" – on the contrary I am aware of a sad streak in me, constantly looking for someone to love, to connect with, even though I have a family to devote myself to.
I don’t quite know why I’m so desperate, but don’t you tell me, please! The one thing that I do know is that my desperation is part of my make-up now, and maybe always was since my childhood. With this piece of self-awareness, I hope to make better choices in future.
posted by Anonymous | 10:57 pm
You have no idea how relevant you are.
The last paragraph in your previous post in particular hit home. There is a famous film quote: "The greatest trick that the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist". Well my take on that is that the greatest trick that 'Love' ever played was convincing the world that it DID exist.
Link for you, anon.
Thanks JiB. And we all know what a good film that was too.
Having read this post now, I guess this is the specific set of situations (that I mentioned in the comment to your post previous) you were talking about.
I think self-awareness is a pretty fundamental for successful LIACical Evasive Manoeuvres (LIACEM). But LIACEM has the side-effect of cunting you over - not as much but still a lot - and eventually not working after all.
(in my enormously fucked-up experience)
everyone wants/needs someone to connect with hun. You sound so sad and distraut, I hope things work out for you eventually.
Also I wanted to say that when I first read the title of your blog I wasn't sure what you meant by it - now I understand that it's not that you love cunts so much as you don't love love. Am I right?
Very astute, Shay... Unlike the billion porn websites that have linked to us.
"Or are you saying that a life without LIAC-love is impossible?"
Yes, that.
"We should see it for what it is - a myth that is oversold and over-valued."
Welcome to the site!
I'm not trying to belittle this post by being a know-it-all, but perhaps this will shed some light on the Science behind your, "LIAC Love." If not, feel free to stone me verbally.
Romantic Love, that feeling of butterflies fluttering and the world around you wheeling, is caued by endorphines.
Duh, I know.
Anyway, This feeling, or this chemical imbalance (yes, an imbalance, que twenty-five negative posts now), generally only lasts for six months amoung love-sick and terribly disgusting and depressing couples.
After the six months run their course, the realisation of, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't have gotten that wedding ring tattoo'd on my finger", sets in because D00D, y'don't know your damn wife.
Duh, you dated her for six months.
Hello high divorce rate.
This fact is supposed to make dumbasses court longer.
I've been dating my boyfriend for two years and have suddenly realised that while the LIAC love has worn out, the logical love holds strong.
And while it may not be romantic or mind-blowing, it's comforting and real and far better then knowing a bunch of pixels on a blogger (I reccomend getting a job at Wal Mart and seducing your fellow associates. There seems to be a high turnover of love affairs there, which are much more satisfying than interenet correspondance... Well, if that's what you're looking for anyway).
Anyway cell mate, I realise that your scenario is quite different from the six month course.
I realise the feeling that you're radiating 'cause I'm sure I own the same one.
I don't know why you can't find what you're looking for in your wife, but I imagine that if you expressed to her your thoughts, as well as you expressed them to us, she'd be more than willing to try to suss it out with you.
But I'm under the impression she's a reasonable woman.
Anyway, take her out for dinner, go on vacation. Learn a new hobby. Do one of those icky cliche things that will bond the two of you back together.
Rediscover eachother.
Fall back in LIAC again.
I believe cell mate said 'I have never had LIAC love for my wife', therefore it would be a little difficult to fall back into it.
Besides, that kind of love seems to be the thing he wants the least, am I wrong?
I would like to ask cell mate though: Is your wife aware that you have never had LIAC for her? Is this the arrangement between the two of you? And if so might she not mind you having other purely sexual associations?
If she is under the illusion that you have or had at one time romantic feelings for her then the marriage is based on a lie, and I think you might consider either telling her the truth or setting her free.
I know this is far easier said than done.
Sadly, this post reads as so "wtf?" that it's a bit hard to comment on. The whatthefuckishness of it being self-evident.
If your wife is your friend, perhaps your best friend, and you have what you call something real with her (a real love of sorts which should imply things like honesty) - then how do you reconcile having affairs with that friendship?
Even if your wife has never had a trace of romantic or passionate love for you (and we don't know for sure), she would likely be devastated by the dishonesty.
What she doesn't know will hurt her, if it hasn't done so already.
Face, you fucking tool.
I was saying that he didn't need LIAC love because it's a temporary emotion.
Was it really that difficult to figure the fuck out? Am I THAT cryptic?
The, "back again" bit was just sentiment. It sounded nice. awe.
So, how does 'LIAC-love' compare to real love?
Does love have to be painful to be true?
"Does love have to be painful to be true?"
No, but there are many different kinds of love, as you know. LIAC-love is the kind where you find yourself listening to those soppy ballads and writing poetry in your head everytime he/she turns to look at you. It's the kind that hurts when you're not with them.
It doesn't mean that no other love is true. In fact, other love is probably more true than LIAC-love.
I'm a bit disturbed by people trying to define LIAC love. Surely, "LIAC love", is just love. All LIAC says is that love is fucked up. All types of love are fucked up. Love and fucked up are one and the same.
For completeness' sake, there is, perhaps, such a thing as LINAC (love not being fucked up). But I've never seen it and anybody that claims they have has always turned out to be a poor denial-stricken sod that has now or will be condemned to hand-feeding the tiny imps of Satan their still-LINAC-ing heart until their death inside has completed.
The point is that 'romantic' love was invented, in Italy, during the renaissance, i.e, early Shakespeare years.
It is too bad that you are stressed about how the peak feelings change into something more durable. Much of what happens in advertising and fiction about love and attraction misleads us about true values -- integrity, honesty, responsibility, and the joys of the Earth.
This is a time to walk around the problem, and look at it from a different angle. Much of the physical and neurological sensation of being with The One, at least at first, is our bodies changing chemistry to adapt to the intimate presence (shared breaths) of a companion body, s new member of our home family/clan/group. Once the transformation is completed (or 'well begun,' sometimes about six months), we are set for the long haul -- we attune our breathing at night, we feel comforted together, and we will grieve if we are separated. That is the goal, the mushy stuff is the bruised muscles as we 'get in shape' -- also, of course, the mushy stuff is the bait on the hook, enticing us into new and exciting territory.