Humiliation

I am at a loss as to what to say. I can neither defend myself nor remain silent without the fuckery escalating. I guess I'll try my best to make this stop, but I feel powerless.

I am devastated that LIAC has sunk to this level. This was supposed to be a haven for the wounded, a place to perhaps vent and call each other cunts, but never with a truly hateful spirit. It was supposed to be a place of humor, and ultimately of healing.

I have accepted all the blame that is mine to take. I would accept even more if I thought it would help. I have not played the victim, or if I did at one time, I did my best to stop. I made mistakes. Oh god, I've made mistakes, but I've done everything in my power to make amends and to try to set things right. I know some things cannot be fixed, some things remain broken, but goddamn it, JiB, I have tried my best.

I might have tried to hurt you like I was hurt, but I never tried to hurt Diddums. I'm saddened that she thinks otherwise, and all attempts to be conciliatory and sincere with her have failed. What happened between you and me pales in comparison to what is going on now. I did not initiate this new onslaught of venom, and I wish I had the power to make it end.

Who among us has never said things in anger, fear, or grief and then deeply regretted them? Let me be a warning to everyone. Crucify me and watch my friendships dissolve. Let me be an example of how not to handle being wounded, how not to be a heartbroken bint. Let me be the poster child for the things that can go wrong when you speak out of turn.

All of these horrible things should be taken off LIAC. Not because they are true or untrue or because they hurt me, but because some things should just be laid to rest, especially when all they do is continue to hurt people. This has reopened wounds that had long ago been licked clean, healed, and sealed over. I still don't understand why you've dragged out shit that is old news and for which I'd long ago been forgiven.

I have begged you in private, JiB, to put an end to this travesty, and now I am begging you here.

What happens in private should remain off the internet. No publication of private conversations (doctored or otherwise) should be put in this forum. How much more do people have to be wounded? How much more do people have to suffer because of something personal between you and me a long time ago? We both had healed and granted forgiveness and even said that we didn't want to see stuff from that time because we were cool with each other again. Nothing new has surfaced because nothing new exists.

Yes, I was incredibly wounded when you dumped me and I talked shit about you to a handful of people. And yes, I spoke to two ex girlfriends about you last winter, trying to figure out if you really were the cunt that you seemed to be. By the time I realized that doing so was making matters worse and fucking up any chance we ever had as reconciling as friends, I did what I could to undo it. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I see that nearly a year later I am still paying for it. Unfortunately, my crimes are now being made to look like mortal sins on a level with adultery or as if I killed someone's dog.

Since then you and I had proceeded like we were again the best of friends. I told you repeatedly how sorry I was. You forgave me and said we were cool. You've known I'm not a bad person and do not, as a rule, deliberately try to hurt people.

Why can we not continue to operate in that spirit?

I told you I wouldn't fight with you and I will not fight with you. I said I'd neither post nor comment so as to not fuel the fire, but I can't stand by and watch something spiral out of control.

My pleas and apologies may mean nothing to you, but they have been from the most sincere place I can access.

Let this end now, please. Again, not because I'm looking like a cunt (though I'm not a selfless saint, it's gotta be obvious that I don't like it), but also because LIAC really is supposed to be a place of healing and humor. I don't want that to change because of old personal shit between you and me. And more importantly, I don't want anyone else hurt by this website.

Let's talk to each other privately, one human being to another, and spare people anymore details. It all looks far more wicked than it ever was at the time, or else we'd never have managed to restore our friendship the way I believed we had.