Cold Water

Damn it. What’s taking him so long? She paced the kiosk floor, trying to act cool; smug, even. She wanted to laugh out loud. Laugh at the absurdity of it all. Her insides were screaming, you pert, dirty, scheming slut! but here she was, nonchalantly rummaging through the product shelves. Outside, the cloudy skies cast a sullen mood that clung to the skin and smelled like wet earth, a mood so malicious it drew scowls from commuters’ faces without them knowing it. But she was oblivious to the weather and to anything else now, as she passed a row of cookies and chocolates. He loved chocolate. He tasted like chocolate. And milk. And ice cream. He tasted like walks at the park, like cool Saturday afternoons one spends curled up with a good book, like a warm blanket on a rainy day. Luke. Luke. Luke.

The digital clock near the store exit read 10:23:06. He said he’d be here by ten. You let him talk you into this, you gullible you. She walked past the periodicals section in a daze, and found herself standing before the toiletries section. FacialcleanserSoapShampooBabyoilCologneLotionMouthwashToothpaste.

She tasted heaven - and toothpaste - when Luke kissed her the first time. They decided to take a single room with two beds - what could happen? He was blissfully married, with a kid on the way, and she was still euphoric over her five-month relationship with Tim - so they could save up on the lodging. The publication gave them enough lodging allowance for three days so they could finish their documentary on some obscure ethnic group, but they agreed they could use some of the money for gallivanting if they finish early. The set-up promised to be very fetching, and they both looked forward to a real break. This was the first time they were being sent together for a field assignment, but they hit it off as soon as the van engine started running.

Luke had a very disarming way about him, and that was not just because of his schoolboy looks or his sunshiny smile or his quick wit. When he talked to people, he would look at them straight in the eye, or touch them on the arm, or put an arm around their shoulder. So it did not surprise Alex when she woke up the following day to find herself curled in Luke’s arms. Last night they had pulled the beds together because Luke thought it weird to be talking through the cold night with a great “divide” between them. It made him feel homesick, he said, being in a place seven, eight hours away from home, with the only reminder of home, Alex, two meters away from him. She smiled at his pretty sleeping face and wondered for a split second how his lips would taste before she dozed off again. When Alex opened her eyes he was there, head propped up on one hand, smiling at her. She smiled back and snuggled closer to him. Then he did the most incredulous thing: he kissed her. She did not know why, but she kissed him back, even when images of hellish fires, a crying Timothy and a woman nursing a cute baby boy flashed in her mind. When she could not bear it anymore she pulled herself away and giggled nervously. “Why are we doing this?” Alex knew the answer, but she had to ask.

“Because we’re silly,” Luke chuckled.

She gave him a quick hug and stood up. “I’m taking a bath. But hey, I have to give you credit. What a good way to start our first official working day together.”

Alex walked to the freezer, grabbed a Coke and stepped up the counter to pay. The cashier, a robust man in his late twenties, was unsmiling. Behind him were shelves stacked neatly with medicines and cigarettes and boxes of neon-colored prophylactics. The cashier rang her purchase and gave her change. She sat on the plastic stools beside the sandwich section and slowly drank her Coke. She smiled in spite of herself. It had been two years since that morning when she hugged him and went to the bath to douse herself. She did not heat the water up, but she knew even then that the cold water, or anything else for that matter, could never shake Luke off. He clung to her like a disease, and she to him.

They were careful not to talk about it, nor act on it - not even after being sent together for numerous other assignments for the publication. They both understood that they were walking on thin ice, and any miscalculated move would send them plummeting in cold, dark water. They were not going to ruin their lives by crossing the line. It was an unwritten, unspoken agreement that suited them both. But what pissed Alex the most was that she and Luke never really became friends. Sure, they had spent a lot of times together for out-of-town assignments and had fun visiting places and trying out different fast foods and restaurants, but she never really opened up to him. Sure they were a whole lot closer now - Luke would tell her funny things about being married, and his excitement over having a baby (he had hoped it would be a boy), and she would be all ears to him, but Alex could not, would not want to tell him about her life, not even snippets of it. Alex’s clamming up was annoying, but she could not bring herself to just blab to Luke, maybe because she felt this was the only way she could steel herself from him. She wanted him close, but she did not let him into her world. Luke did not know her, though he thought he did. There were text messages - hi hello how r u hve a nice day hey hw about a kiss I miss u do not text me d wifey is holdng d fone hi cn I hv a hug 2day wer r u - sent on the sly, furtive glances at work, and occasional sneaking off for some time together, but there were no proclamations of love. It hurt Alex, but what could she do? They entangled themselves in a web, and neither wanted to wriggle free. Lovers, that’s what we would always be. But it would always always be about our bodies. Our souls would never touch. They could not have each other wholly, fully, so they just contented themselves with hugs and kisses which always left them wanting more.

His kisses roused a primal, almost animal craving in her. Was it the way he chewed and sucked her lips? Was it the way his strong hands caressed her back? Or was it his scent that awoke in her recollections of home, and stirred in her memories of her mother’s womb? Alex took another swig of her Coke. Today, she was going to feel that animal craving once more. But this time, she was going to act on that craving, which is why she sat there waiting, feeling humiliated, irked, lost. Today she was giving herself to him, and he was late. God, Luke, why are you doing this to me? I love Timothy. Please don’t steal away my soul from me.

Alex had succeeded in putting Luke off for two years, but when his recent text messages started to sound exciting and scary and sad and desperate, she could not but say yes. Hell, she wanted to do it with him. So what if he’s married? She wasn’t going to take him away from his family. After this, Luke would go home and play with his boy and sleep with his wife, and Alex would call Tim up and tell him she was home and she missed him and would he want to come over and cook something up? But could she really do this? Could she look Tim straight in the eye and tell him I love you, honey, and talk about their wedding plans? Could she do it with Luke without giving up her soul?

Rain was pouring hard outside. Alex pulled her denim jacket tight around her, as she shuddered from the cold. If she left now, she could still save herself. But was she not damned enough to even be here, waiting? Get up. Leave before he arrives. If he does not find you here he would know he had lost you forever. He would know that he loved you more than you had loved him, although he never admitted it. She guzzled her Coke, as if drawing strength from it. She had to hurry. If she were to see his schoolboy smile right now or the sparkle in his eyes her resolve would water. She looked up at the digital wall clock. 10:34:11. She stood up and straightened herself. She smiled bitterly and looked outside. Cold rainwater would be good for her. Dragging myself over to the door, pushing the glass door open. I’m free.

From across the street Alex saw Luke, soaked, waving at her. She looked away and started towards the opposite direction. “Hey, Alex, wait!” Luke was pleading.

Alex walked faster, pulling her jacket tighter around her as the cold rain water hid her bitter tears. Hush, Alex. It’s over.