The Best Methods of Achieving a Stable Marriage
- Alcoholism—to drown sorrow, mask discontentment, and create good reason for divorce.
- Drug Addiction—a substitute, a “truer version,” if you will, of the fake love that one generally feels another person elicits.
- A Fling or Two On the Side—to keep the passion alive.
- Homosexuality—to account for all those marriages where two people claim happiness and real connection, as one need not imagine how well a pair of best friends get along.
- Mental Breakdown—to account for the insanity needed to exchange vows in the first place.
- Aggression—your mother’s secret to a stable marriage without resorting to homicide.
- Spawning Little Devils—the number one reason for ‘staying together’ this day and age, although your children do not give a rat's ass whether you live or die just so long as they have the latest video gaming system and a McDonald's Happy Meal every night for dinner.
- A Love of Masturbation—because you know you are not getting any at home anyway.
- A Love of Porn—because you never see the ass you're not tapping anymore, anyway.
- Murder—when divorce is too expensive, too taboo, or when your trigger finger accidentally slips.
posted by -- | 9:22 pm
Oh God - there is no hope left!
I am serious, dead serious. Not all marriages incorporate one or more parts of the list, but I firmly believe that most do, most noticeably toward the end of the relationship, and we all know that most marriages die at some point anyway. That is a staple of today's society, of our culture. It is really sad to me, and one main reason for why I do not plan on exchanging vows unless I find a perfect reason for acting in such short-term, self-indulgent behavior that will most likely end with the hurt and pain of a normal breakup, with the added burden of lawyer bills, among other things. God forbid there be children involved! (Quite obviously, I'm the optimistic type.)
This is awesome!