Dear Mr. Right (forefinger),

It has been eighteen years since our special relationship began, and I just want to take this opportunity to say how grateful I am to you for always been there for me. You have never lied or cheated on me, and you've never manipulated me except in the best sense of the term. And though I've strayed in the past, you have always been there to comfort me when my other relationships fizzle out.

We have been an exclusive couple for a year and a half now, and I see no reason why this can't continue indefinitely. Do you remember the time that one guy suggested I ditch you for him? Well, he may not have understood that my soul is a yawning chasm filled only with the echoes of dying romantic fantasies, and I'm sure he never guessed the depth or intensity of my fear of abandonment and heartbreak, but you knew all about it, and you were right there to comfort and caress me that very night. I'll never forget that.

There is just one tiny little thing I'd like to bring up, and seriously, if you're not okay with this, just forget I ever suggested it. It's really not something that I HAVE to do, and I would totally understand if you said no, but . . . well, last week when we were in that adult video store, in the toy section, did you happen to notice that 12-inch "True Blue Dong with Balls"? Please don't feel threatened -- you are totally irreplaceable in my life, I swear. But I was just wondering if you'd ever thought of bringing something like that into the equation. You know, just now and then.

I remain yours, with love, now and forever,
JP