Hopes and dreams realised - closure
I have not posted on this blog for a while and most of the people here would have not noticed, forgotten me or have no idea that I comment here every once ina while anyway. I have read what has been written here over the passing weeks and it varies from very good and valid to the extremely excellent so have enjoyed the wealth of experience expressed here.
I have felt recently that I have not had sufficient material to post in comparison as I am continuing on a the path of simple Jaded fuckface and no one wants to hear the same old story told badly. However today I have fresh material. The story goes....
... I met my ex girlfriend today. She called me and arranged to meet. Nothing too out of the blue as we have meet on a couple of occasions since splitting up. We have the usual pleasantries and discussed work and social life and then competed on all the old territories for points. She told me I had lost a bit of weight and am looking good, so I thank her, looked at her and did not return the complement (1-0). I told her that I am looking to get out of the office a bit more in my work and she harked on about the two business trips she had this month (1-1) even score. She then went to take the lead by offering me her business card, to which I replied very nice. She was chalking up the 1-2 while asking if I have one. I said yes, which one do you want the old one or the new one since I was promoted (2-1 but I should get extra points for style here). This continued for a while over dinner and wine and it came out at about 12-12. (If anyone is interested in a full list of the battles let me know but I feel I am dragging on already).
Then she decided to stay as it was late and she does not live too close. This is when her sister rang to tell her she is with a man and his friend would like to meet her. I sat shocked and amazed as I listen to half of the conversation filling in the other unheard half in my very own most ridiculous unlikely wording ever - as most people do.
However on this occassion the outrageous imagined second half of conversation in my mind was exactly as was said. The conversation continues and it becomes apparent (to me at least) that the girl I used to be deeply and madly in love with for many many different reasons has none of the qualities I loved her for. She is basically having her sister arrange a man to sleep with her in order that she can sleep with his friend. This is not the girl I knew and I sat devasted. This by the way was 3 hours ago as I write this. I sat down for a while after and gained scraps of information here and there as to what exactly was happening. The long and short of it I will not bore you with but I understand exactly what is going on.
I sat there thinking what has happened to the person I knew. Why does she give herself away so cheaply? We were involved for over 4 years and never were to cheat on each other. We were the settling down eternal types. We had the same ethics and the same morals when it came to relationships. What has happened to this poor girl - what traumatic event has changed her life so dramatically that she has gone from the kind of person I could fall in love with and could contemplate marrying to some casual useless maybe I will head home at 10pm to meet some bloke my sister knows.
I sat here for 1 hour thinking and the answer hit me. The reason is me. It is my fault. I am here scarred, fucked and as my kickname suggests Jaded Yet Standing. This is the first time that I can now apprechiate with absolute clarity that love is a cunt. A bitch motherfucker of a cunt. It has been a cunt to me but more so it has been a cunt to my ex. She is a shadow of her former self while I am still alive still have my beliefs and still know where I stand and where I should be. I have goals, aims, ambitions and can see a way to achieve these. She however is fucked. She is fucked up beyond all recognition. Love has fucked me over and left me Jaded and not even let me know about the extra damaged it has caused. I thought the bullet landed on me but I am to learn than it was a nuclear missle that landed on me and has a much greater area of devatation than can be apprechaite. Fall out for months after and even years later childrem are born defomed because of the initial nuclear strike. Someone before on this blog (I can't remember who) wrote a post based on Nick Hornby's High Fidelity where the record shop owner Rob (Rob something, I lent my copy to a friend so I cannot remember either Gorman or Gordon). Anyway Rob lists his girlfrineds in order of how fucked up he was after they split up and then finds out about them afterwards for some kind of closure. When I read the book I thought this would never happen as the people you knew and went out with are the people you knew and went out with, not some Jekyll and Hyde freaks who are somebody else 2 years later.
I have found out that in fact they are different and to know that my ex is more fucked up than I am and also more fucked up than I have ever been and it is all my fault makes my happy in a very sick fucked up sadistic way.
There is a little bit more to this story but I am running out of space. I have found closure where I never thought closure possible. I am better then her, she is useless and the fact we are not together is the right choice. I shall no longer compare her to people I go out with in the future as she is of no consequence. Fuck me I fell so happy. Anyone fancy a celebratery pint, its on me?
JYS
I have felt recently that I have not had sufficient material to post in comparison as I am continuing on a the path of simple Jaded fuckface and no one wants to hear the same old story told badly. However today I have fresh material. The story goes....
... I met my ex girlfriend today. She called me and arranged to meet. Nothing too out of the blue as we have meet on a couple of occasions since splitting up. We have the usual pleasantries and discussed work and social life and then competed on all the old territories for points. She told me I had lost a bit of weight and am looking good, so I thank her, looked at her and did not return the complement (1-0). I told her that I am looking to get out of the office a bit more in my work and she harked on about the two business trips she had this month (1-1) even score. She then went to take the lead by offering me her business card, to which I replied very nice. She was chalking up the 1-2 while asking if I have one. I said yes, which one do you want the old one or the new one since I was promoted (2-1 but I should get extra points for style here). This continued for a while over dinner and wine and it came out at about 12-12. (If anyone is interested in a full list of the battles let me know but I feel I am dragging on already).
Then she decided to stay as it was late and she does not live too close. This is when her sister rang to tell her she is with a man and his friend would like to meet her. I sat shocked and amazed as I listen to half of the conversation filling in the other unheard half in my very own most ridiculous unlikely wording ever - as most people do.
However on this occassion the outrageous imagined second half of conversation in my mind was exactly as was said. The conversation continues and it becomes apparent (to me at least) that the girl I used to be deeply and madly in love with for many many different reasons has none of the qualities I loved her for. She is basically having her sister arrange a man to sleep with her in order that she can sleep with his friend. This is not the girl I knew and I sat devasted. This by the way was 3 hours ago as I write this. I sat down for a while after and gained scraps of information here and there as to what exactly was happening. The long and short of it I will not bore you with but I understand exactly what is going on.
I sat there thinking what has happened to the person I knew. Why does she give herself away so cheaply? We were involved for over 4 years and never were to cheat on each other. We were the settling down eternal types. We had the same ethics and the same morals when it came to relationships. What has happened to this poor girl - what traumatic event has changed her life so dramatically that she has gone from the kind of person I could fall in love with and could contemplate marrying to some casual useless maybe I will head home at 10pm to meet some bloke my sister knows.
I sat here for 1 hour thinking and the answer hit me. The reason is me. It is my fault. I am here scarred, fucked and as my kickname suggests Jaded Yet Standing. This is the first time that I can now apprechiate with absolute clarity that love is a cunt. A bitch motherfucker of a cunt. It has been a cunt to me but more so it has been a cunt to my ex. She is a shadow of her former self while I am still alive still have my beliefs and still know where I stand and where I should be. I have goals, aims, ambitions and can see a way to achieve these. She however is fucked. She is fucked up beyond all recognition. Love has fucked me over and left me Jaded and not even let me know about the extra damaged it has caused. I thought the bullet landed on me but I am to learn than it was a nuclear missle that landed on me and has a much greater area of devatation than can be apprechaite. Fall out for months after and even years later childrem are born defomed because of the initial nuclear strike. Someone before on this blog (I can't remember who) wrote a post based on Nick Hornby's High Fidelity where the record shop owner Rob (Rob something, I lent my copy to a friend so I cannot remember either Gorman or Gordon). Anyway Rob lists his girlfrineds in order of how fucked up he was after they split up and then finds out about them afterwards for some kind of closure. When I read the book I thought this would never happen as the people you knew and went out with are the people you knew and went out with, not some Jekyll and Hyde freaks who are somebody else 2 years later.
I have found out that in fact they are different and to know that my ex is more fucked up than I am and also more fucked up than I have ever been and it is all my fault makes my happy in a very sick fucked up sadistic way.
There is a little bit more to this story but I am running out of space. I have found closure where I never thought closure possible. I am better then her, she is useless and the fact we are not together is the right choice. I shall no longer compare her to people I go out with in the future as she is of no consequence. Fuck me I fell so happy. Anyone fancy a celebratery pint, its on me?
JYS
posted by Anonymous | 12:45 am
Sounds to me like you've already had your celebratory pint... Good stuff though, your post sounds all the more authentic for it.
Entertainingly evil.