But he'd kill himself if I told him...

... seriously. He would!"

Oh fucking Lord have mercy, yet another girl said this to me recently.

"But you don't understand..!"

No, *you* don't understand, you confused, whacked-out bitch.

So listen up, fucktards, and listen good because if my mouth were a machine gun I'd be firing these craven bullets at you with such rapidity they won't even be able to study your warped, convoluted heart.

I don't care what you did.

I don't care if you casually flirted with some other guy behind his back. I don't give a backhanded shitslap if you've had a couple of flings on holiday without his knowing. I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut if you got pregnant off the guy's brother, recorded it on tape and gave it mistakenly as a Christmas present to his cancer-ridden son.

The poor, stupid SOB that went out with you will not kill himself. He might feel like he wants to kill himself, but he won't. He might've told you he'd kill himself, but he won't. Seriously. Grow up.

You're not that important.

Oh, you'd like to be that important. I get that. But you're not.

I'm sure you've seen all those fancy documentaries that explain how insignificant our world is in this gigantic universe, how the interactions of nations and peoples won't make more than a tiny dent on this planet, how miniscule the effects of societal relations are in the grand schemes of government, and how small the impression is of a single, short-lived girl in one man's entire life. And you, as some fucked-up bint that's about to fuck someone over, are a dreg in the corner of this tapestry. Get over that, and we'll come some way to understanding how stupid you're being.

Right, yes, there are some people that will make a lasting impression on people's lives. But those people aren't the people that hurt people. The people that hurt people are quickly forgotten about. And no, I'm not talking about pure evil like Adolf Hitler, who will always be remembered as a shining example of humanity gone wrong. I'm talking about 'stupid bint that I stupidly went out with'. She doesn't make a lasting impression - I think that's what you don't like. That instead of killing himself, you realise he'll just carry on living without you.

You cannot cause the tragedies you think you can.

What sort of power-trip is this, anyway? Whatever heartbreaking shit you got up to really isn't going to get your partner down for the rest of his life. Maybe you don't like that. Maybe you'd measure how much he cares about you by how long he cries for. Maybe you'd find that you've heartbroken yourself when he finds out what you're really like and drops you like a tonne of ash. Why not do the decent thing, take the plunge, and let him figure you out for himself hmm?

The human mind recovers remarkably well.

I know you don't want to hurt the poor fellow, but seriously - who the fuck do you think you are? Suddenly you're the one to decide what people need or need not hear? Isn't what you're doing the most cowardly and selfish act of hurting him and just not telling him about it? Get a grip woman, the guy can cope. We have all sorts of lovely mechanisms for healing and forgetting that will lay your raging evils to sleep quite quickly.

Face the music, bitch.

Tell him whatever immensely stupid mistake you made and let him decide whether you're still worth his time, or whether he's going to write you off as yet another screw-up. I know you don't like being insignificant, but it's time to find out where you really stand. And no - nobody's going to kill themselves. You weirdo.

Now; I'd like you to think very carefully about yourself, realise you're a cunt, slap yourself in the face and get "Confused Twat" tattooed on your forehead until you've gotten over yourself.

Go on, shoo.