Where I’m Headed (Lene Marlin)

I noticed today that LIAC Radio has launched. This provides me with a good way of attacking a whole new avenue of misinterpreted and confused crap – that being the meanings of certain songs. And yes, I accept fully the risk of sounding like Mr. Bateman (of American Psycho) as he overanalyses the songs of Phil Collins and others, in a desperate attempt to find meaning in the kitsch superficiality of a capital, capitalist city. I can totally relate to that guy.

We’ll start with this one (see post title, you oaf), as it sounds fucking happy-slappy and la la’s along like the sort of Summery tune that you want streaming from your Mercedes SL just after you’ve impressed a bunch of likely fuckjars by retracting its motorized roof. Or streaming from your semi-broken walkman whilst you sit like a total loser nobody by yourself on Primrose Hill next to some stoned tramps that want your money, as is more likely.

Don’t get me wrong – I love this song. But not because it’s happy. I hate happy. It’s actually, and not without some level of genius, a tragically sad song. Put it on as I explain (no excuses - click the fucking Radio link above and find it in the playlist), because the feel of the music is all part Ms. Marlin’s songwriter’s assistant’s role-model’s ingenuity.

It’s actually about a girl that has been so hurt that she can’t do anything but run, to seek ecliptic denial of it. I know you don’t believe me, but look here:

Got a suitcase in my hand
Filled with stuff most precious to me
Sidewalk brings my feet wherever they're head down
There is no direction given
Just some trust in human mind
To rely on, and to hold onto
Honestly don't know where I'll end up at last
Won't even count the days
One thing I sure know I won't move so fast
My mind in complete haze

The first verse brings us in slowly. Only a few allusions to her mind being in disarray, and you totally dismiss these because the catchy tune and rhythm makes you think she’s talking about something nice. You will note that all she has is a bloody suitcase and no actual destination – but set to the music it just sounds like she’s going on some sort of spontaneous holiday, wheeee! Nope.

The chorus begins thus:

I pass by, don't dare to stop
When there's someone I see
There's no one here but me
I'm fooled by something inside my head

Total solitude, even though she’s obviously surrounded by people on her journey, and she registers a vague knowledge that it's her mind making her think that she's alone when she's actually not. This is the mindfuck that accompanies standard heartbreak or similar.

Then the chorus repeats this disturbing shit throughout the song:

If I lay down now
I might seem kinda dead

If she stops, even for a moment, to consider the overwhelming fuckery she’s just undergone, she will slip into massive, chronic depression. Most people think she means she’s tired from travelling and funning, but where the fuck is she going and what is she doing? She doesn’t even know – she’s just running away. Her key message is that she never wants to stop and let her mind dwell on whatever it is that happened to her.

Just keep on wasting time

That’s how the chorus ends. Just keep on wasting time. She’s not having fun, or a holiday. She’s trying to fill her time up with whatever she can fill it with.

Next verse; she mentions something about the serial child abuse or whatever she’s just suffered:

Scary thoughts and frightening sounds in my mind
Still I try to avoid it
Heading through this hope not one-way alley
I can't really sense my surroundings
Seems to be all dark around
Nothing here to lighten up my way
Honestly don't know where I'll end up at last
Won't even count the days
One thing I sure know I won't move so fast
My mind in complete haze

She starts to more clearly suggest the denial she’s going through, and talks a bit about how she doesn’t particularly know what she’s doing anymore or where she’ll end up. Then we get the fucked up chorus again, with allusions to how she’ll give up or commit suicide if she stops to marshal the “scary thoughts” in her head.

I walk slow in secret
Listening to the sound of steps
Imagination seems to go all crazy
I've got all the time I need
Wanna dream, fulfill my wishes
Like this future already now been entered

This final paragraph is just some confused fucking gibberish about how she wants to move on. The point is she’s not. In fact, the whole message of the song is that she’s in total denial over something awful she’s trying to blot out. The journey with a single suitcase and all that may be a real or metaphorical escape for her, but it all comes down to the same basic neurosis:

I pass by, don't dare to stop
When there's someone I see
There's no one here but me
I'm fooled by something inside my head
If I lay down now
I might seem kinda dead
Just keep on wasting time

And who can say they haven’t thrown themselves into their holidays or work or [insert proactive way of running away] in order to not dwell on things? It’s a normal thing to do. The tragedy in this song is that the girl is so much in denial that she thinks she’s happy and moving on. The happy, near-frantic music is a layer of this denial.

And, in fact, I’ve known people that do this – where they act fantastically happy and as though they are “the happiest they’ve ever been”, when something intensely fucked has just happened to them. Not good for you… The way Lene sings it so beautifully to such frivolous music is brilliant in both meaning and sound and I love it.

So there you have it. A real LIAC song: Girl gets so fucked over that she is forced into damaging and chronic denial just to make it through to the other side.

And what do the folks over at SongMeanings think the song is about?

“A song which is about letting go, having fun, going out without having anything to hold you back and just being able to live life to it's fullest.”

Pfft!