Scattered Black and Whites
My father left during my second year of college. Looking back, I can't say that I was surprised or even that there was a noteable difference. He was never there anyway.
The two year instance that was spent with my mother afterwards bounces around my memories as a 750 day emotional caterwaul. Somethings can't be helped. I was twenty-one, when I finally left my mother.
On agreeable days I bump into what seems to resemble my younger sister. Void of sympathy, terribly vain and demanding and completely naive to the properly functioning society that revolves around her. I can't be arsed to pay attention to her anymore. Instead I remain ever-so jealous of how luxuriously her existence seems to fit.
Now I sit with my boyfriend's family around their dinner table and marvel at the simplicty of their love. It echoes in their gentle teasing and the weekly crosswords left half-finished on the coffee table.
It is so hard to not cry. Crying over a crossword. How silly.
There are times where I feel homeless and lost. I do not come back to my beginning and I do not shelter in the warmth of a loving family.
I wonder what means more to me? One person to share and love an inspiring future with, or roots from a family that barely resembles anything more than a burntout book of matches.
I am greatful that I have found something in someone that bestows a love on me that calms my emotional family situation. I am in love with a man who has done more for me in a year than my family has done for me in a lifetime.
Sometimes I wonder if I've found the one I will marry and am constantly scolding myself for creating a chance to live through an emotional family divorce as a wife and not as a child.
Of course now I know that a broken heart barely inflicts the same pain as a broken family.
The two year instance that was spent with my mother afterwards bounces around my memories as a 750 day emotional caterwaul. Somethings can't be helped. I was twenty-one, when I finally left my mother.
On agreeable days I bump into what seems to resemble my younger sister. Void of sympathy, terribly vain and demanding and completely naive to the properly functioning society that revolves around her. I can't be arsed to pay attention to her anymore. Instead I remain ever-so jealous of how luxuriously her existence seems to fit.
Now I sit with my boyfriend's family around their dinner table and marvel at the simplicty of their love. It echoes in their gentle teasing and the weekly crosswords left half-finished on the coffee table.
It is so hard to not cry. Crying over a crossword. How silly.
There are times where I feel homeless and lost. I do not come back to my beginning and I do not shelter in the warmth of a loving family.
I wonder what means more to me? One person to share and love an inspiring future with, or roots from a family that barely resembles anything more than a burntout book of matches.
I am greatful that I have found something in someone that bestows a love on me that calms my emotional family situation. I am in love with a man who has done more for me in a year than my family has done for me in a lifetime.
Sometimes I wonder if I've found the one I will marry and am constantly scolding myself for creating a chance to live through an emotional family divorce as a wife and not as a child.
Of course now I know that a broken heart barely inflicts the same pain as a broken family.
posted by fucking diddums | 4:02 pm
Sorry, I don't usually randomly comment but I just have to say that it's an amazingly well written post.
"Of course now I know that a broken heart barely inflicts the same pain as a broken family."
Very true.
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I agree with the first comment, about the last line. Absolutely true and a brilliant post.
I wouldn't wish an alcoholic father on anyone.
If you want my father, you can have him.