These had the potential...
The ones that got away
So now, onto the long list of women who, with time and experience I increasingly realised could have been right for me, and in many cases did love, even though they often didn’t care whether I lived or died. This may have to be divided into parts…
After Vivienne’s mother so cruelly circumcised our relationship, I started an endless series of failed attempts to find another girl or woman who would replace what I’d had with her. The good news is ever since there has been a plentiful supply, more so as I got older and realised exactly what I liked.
The first of many was around a year later, Caron. These are actually just a list of the ones I went out with, where there was a chance. Of course there were others, probably for another post. Unfortunately though she had the looks and personality I was happy with, the only love that was returned, in the complete contrast to Vivienne, was from her widowed mother. One down, many to follow. Lorna was a year after that. Basically everyone’s idea of a player, so I discovered. When she was ‘busy’, it turned out she was with a selection of other boys, which explained her relative distance to me even after a couple of months. But typically the time she left me led to me meeting one of my ‘ordinary’ girlfriends, ie one I was only with to fill the space. Cynical but true, though I hoped each may blossom into a swan, they never did. So I got a raving phone call on a Monday as her friend had seen me with this person, and the only reason being she was ‘too busy’ to see me at the weekend when I would always have preferred her over anyone else.
Pauline, another year after, was very quiet, probably thick as a plank had I got enough conversation out of her to find out, but looked and behaved like an angel. That was one I would have still been prepared to be ‘bored’ with as I was just happy with her regardless. That lasted two weeks, go figure.
Liz, two years later was the fourth of four mutuals. It lasted almost three months, and took me that long to even get ‘downstairs, outside’ (work it out). One day when I was waiting for her train, I thought ‘What are we going to talk about tonight?’ She had exactly the same thought, as she never turned up. I couldn’t understand what had gone wrong as she looked perfect and had a brain and personality as sharp as a knife. I analysed every element in an attempt to solve the mystery and I came up with the simple answer- she had no sense of humour. The only time she did was when something bad happened to someone, which at least meant from that day on I could pick apart women and see exactly what was there for me.
The following years found me reining back my weekend activities, after failing numerous exams in my degree and having to take whatever was going and be happy with it woman wise. As with the shift in post-degree availability, I was then reduced to only meeting women I loved I didn’t even get as far as girlfriends. All were friends who did go out with me, but not one ever wanted more. I will elucidate (and clear up afterwards, old Goodies joke there…).
Viviane:
My father had a friend I though was some years older than me and off limits. Once I’d discovered it was OK, and she was my age I started to become interested. Though a bit of a moaner and tended to ramble about her own stuff a lot, was easy to get on with, good company and sexy as anything (French as well, which always helps). She saw me as ‘a brother’. Twenty years later I propose to her on an annual basis as a sort of standing joke, though I suppose the part of me that should be removed still believes she may change her mind one day. I would have married her despite her self-absorbed rantings as I do have some tolerance where love is involved.
Then I was at a party when I was introduced to a woman I’d never met before, Aviva, but turned out had lived next to my friend up the North Circular for most of her life. As well as the looks, she had one of the rare cynical humorous minds I share with very few women, and a brain at least as good as Liz. By then I was 30 and knew more or less what I was looking for pretty quickly. I made a date with her a few days later, and did wonder why her house looked so bare. At the end of it, she said she was going away in a day or so. I said ‘How long for?’- ‘We’ve moved to Israel’.
I considered the intervention of a scriptwriter over random life. Could this be real? Twenty-one years living in Dollis Hill next door to my friend and I’d met her 4 days before she left for good?
A couple more years on, and my friend’s gorgeous ex-girlfriend who I’ve always liked came into my shop where I worked. They’d since split up and it was obvious I was next for the replacement. We started very well for a few weeks till she disappeared around Christmas. A week or two later I hear from someone my friend heard about me, and was so jealous he got her back. The silly cow carried on seeing me for four more months, hedging her bets but not letting me do a thing until she finally felt guilty and went back to him full-time. OK, my mother pointed out she was half-witted (I really hadn’t noticed till then, everything else was perfect for me) so it may have put me off marriage, but nothing else. I always liked her company and she looked after me like no one else before, as well as expecting very little and appreciating what I did do. A rare quality indeed.
Three more years and another Aviva arrives. This was a friend of my tenant, and after an afternoon with her on the ouija board, I was already in love. Not only in love, but for the first time ever, after wondering for 35 years if I’d ever meet anyone I’d want to marry (plenty were right at the time, but none became serious enough to consider marriage), I wanted to marry her. At least I knew it was possible as however good anyone previous had been, marriage was never on my mind- even the ones that worked as I was only a teenager. But she had another man she was in love with, though not apparently reciprocated, plus her abusive father looked like me. Again a sadistic scriptwriter makes doubly sure I will not get anyone decent in as many unlikely and cruel ways as he (probably she) can think.
Two more years. I meet the best looking woman I’ve ever met before or since, and just about had a personality to go with it. After 4 months I was wondering why she was still so distant, and also her mother was already pressing me to propose, which I decided I would, but in my own time. Then she admitted she was only ever seeing me as her mother didn’t like her boyfriend, twice her age and seven times married, and she’d decided to stay with him. That explained everything and left me after 4 months plus with the best looking woman possibly on earth and never passed first base.
There was one more since, who discretion forces me to gloss over, except to say that for a few minutes I thought it was mutual, I was in love with her and the next time we spoke it had all been a bad dream that had offered me something and was taken it away as soon as I accepted it. Which brings me back to the present day and the insurmountable Everest of a situation with the much much older woman who has already as much as let me know to keep my distance, which as my mother’s friend and age would hardly surprise me. Can anyone truly say how it’s possible to meet so many people you are happy with, start a relationship, as we all did, and then not just lose but never have them at all?
So now, onto the long list of women who, with time and experience I increasingly realised could have been right for me, and in many cases did love, even though they often didn’t care whether I lived or died. This may have to be divided into parts…
After Vivienne’s mother so cruelly circumcised our relationship, I started an endless series of failed attempts to find another girl or woman who would replace what I’d had with her. The good news is ever since there has been a plentiful supply, more so as I got older and realised exactly what I liked.
The first of many was around a year later, Caron. These are actually just a list of the ones I went out with, where there was a chance. Of course there were others, probably for another post. Unfortunately though she had the looks and personality I was happy with, the only love that was returned, in the complete contrast to Vivienne, was from her widowed mother. One down, many to follow. Lorna was a year after that. Basically everyone’s idea of a player, so I discovered. When she was ‘busy’, it turned out she was with a selection of other boys, which explained her relative distance to me even after a couple of months. But typically the time she left me led to me meeting one of my ‘ordinary’ girlfriends, ie one I was only with to fill the space. Cynical but true, though I hoped each may blossom into a swan, they never did. So I got a raving phone call on a Monday as her friend had seen me with this person, and the only reason being she was ‘too busy’ to see me at the weekend when I would always have preferred her over anyone else.
Pauline, another year after, was very quiet, probably thick as a plank had I got enough conversation out of her to find out, but looked and behaved like an angel. That was one I would have still been prepared to be ‘bored’ with as I was just happy with her regardless. That lasted two weeks, go figure.
Liz, two years later was the fourth of four mutuals. It lasted almost three months, and took me that long to even get ‘downstairs, outside’ (work it out). One day when I was waiting for her train, I thought ‘What are we going to talk about tonight?’ She had exactly the same thought, as she never turned up. I couldn’t understand what had gone wrong as she looked perfect and had a brain and personality as sharp as a knife. I analysed every element in an attempt to solve the mystery and I came up with the simple answer- she had no sense of humour. The only time she did was when something bad happened to someone, which at least meant from that day on I could pick apart women and see exactly what was there for me.
The following years found me reining back my weekend activities, after failing numerous exams in my degree and having to take whatever was going and be happy with it woman wise. As with the shift in post-degree availability, I was then reduced to only meeting women I loved I didn’t even get as far as girlfriends. All were friends who did go out with me, but not one ever wanted more. I will elucidate (and clear up afterwards, old Goodies joke there…).
Viviane:
My father had a friend I though was some years older than me and off limits. Once I’d discovered it was OK, and she was my age I started to become interested. Though a bit of a moaner and tended to ramble about her own stuff a lot, was easy to get on with, good company and sexy as anything (French as well, which always helps). She saw me as ‘a brother’. Twenty years later I propose to her on an annual basis as a sort of standing joke, though I suppose the part of me that should be removed still believes she may change her mind one day. I would have married her despite her self-absorbed rantings as I do have some tolerance where love is involved.
Then I was at a party when I was introduced to a woman I’d never met before, Aviva, but turned out had lived next to my friend up the North Circular for most of her life. As well as the looks, she had one of the rare cynical humorous minds I share with very few women, and a brain at least as good as Liz. By then I was 30 and knew more or less what I was looking for pretty quickly. I made a date with her a few days later, and did wonder why her house looked so bare. At the end of it, she said she was going away in a day or so. I said ‘How long for?’- ‘We’ve moved to Israel’.
I considered the intervention of a scriptwriter over random life. Could this be real? Twenty-one years living in Dollis Hill next door to my friend and I’d met her 4 days before she left for good?
A couple more years on, and my friend’s gorgeous ex-girlfriend who I’ve always liked came into my shop where I worked. They’d since split up and it was obvious I was next for the replacement. We started very well for a few weeks till she disappeared around Christmas. A week or two later I hear from someone my friend heard about me, and was so jealous he got her back. The silly cow carried on seeing me for four more months, hedging her bets but not letting me do a thing until she finally felt guilty and went back to him full-time. OK, my mother pointed out she was half-witted (I really hadn’t noticed till then, everything else was perfect for me) so it may have put me off marriage, but nothing else. I always liked her company and she looked after me like no one else before, as well as expecting very little and appreciating what I did do. A rare quality indeed.
Three more years and another Aviva arrives. This was a friend of my tenant, and after an afternoon with her on the ouija board, I was already in love. Not only in love, but for the first time ever, after wondering for 35 years if I’d ever meet anyone I’d want to marry (plenty were right at the time, but none became serious enough to consider marriage), I wanted to marry her. At least I knew it was possible as however good anyone previous had been, marriage was never on my mind- even the ones that worked as I was only a teenager. But she had another man she was in love with, though not apparently reciprocated, plus her abusive father looked like me. Again a sadistic scriptwriter makes doubly sure I will not get anyone decent in as many unlikely and cruel ways as he (probably she) can think.
Two more years. I meet the best looking woman I’ve ever met before or since, and just about had a personality to go with it. After 4 months I was wondering why she was still so distant, and also her mother was already pressing me to propose, which I decided I would, but in my own time. Then she admitted she was only ever seeing me as her mother didn’t like her boyfriend, twice her age and seven times married, and she’d decided to stay with him. That explained everything and left me after 4 months plus with the best looking woman possibly on earth and never passed first base.
There was one more since, who discretion forces me to gloss over, except to say that for a few minutes I thought it was mutual, I was in love with her and the next time we spoke it had all been a bad dream that had offered me something and was taken it away as soon as I accepted it. Which brings me back to the present day and the insurmountable Everest of a situation with the much much older woman who has already as much as let me know to keep my distance, which as my mother’s friend and age would hardly surprise me. Can anyone truly say how it’s possible to meet so many people you are happy with, start a relationship, as we all did, and then not just lose but never have them at all?
posted by David | 7:09 pm
Can anyone truly say how it’s possible to meet so many people you are happy with, start a relationship, as we all did, and then not just lose but never have them at all?
I'm assuming this is a rhetorical question. Nonetheless, I know the answer.
*Points toward blog title.*
I know that it's quite difficult to find true romance and the right person you can have a relationship with. True romance is like having a job. You have to know what you have to do in as little time as possible and you have to do it with little expectations. Basically, the initial step towards achieving true romance is taken when the strong feeling is recognized without any hesitations. Hope you'll be able to find that person whom you can share that strong feelings with.
Love is hard. When there are expectations, it just seems harder. I don't know why we put ourselves through so much crap. It would just be easier if we could know, in the first month, week, first date, so we don't waste our time and energy.
K
Thanks guys, this is truly a support group. Next I have my total rejections I also loved, which is probably most people's longest list.
I agree assistantk, I can tell within the hour or less nowadays if I feel 'it', and why the hell not just be able to say so after the first or second meeting, get a yes or no, and carry on. People would get used to it if it happened enough.
Part of the reason relationships fail, in my opinion, is because some people put such high expectations on them going in (is this the one I'll marry? will she be the best fuck I've ever had? It can only get better from the last one, right?)
Also, you tend to attract relationships and people that reflect something about yourself. Is there something about you that is distant or implies you're hard to pin down and get close to? Is there a reason you can think of that you keep attracting people who are soon to leave/seeing someone else/at the mercy of their parents' opinion of their lover?
Please excuse the big analytical post; nothing is meant as a put-down. It's just that these questions pop into my head when people ask "Why" in terms of relationships. I know I've seen patterns in my own that I've tried valiantly to put a stop to, and it all started with me changing some things about myself.
Good luck, but always remember that love hates you. I'll even say it again: