Lessons from the Doctor.......
After a two year absence I finally feel the time is right to come out of posting retirement. The more long term LIAC members may remember (probably not) that my last post mentioned the cult 90's dance act 'Haddoway'. They wrote the techno-rave inspired anthem 'What is Love?' which turned out to be a more of a career obituary rather than a stepping stone to the pantheons of dance stardom. In fact those of you that know me a bit better know that the imitating plagiarist in me has a habit of quoting cult pop/film trivia, sometimes word for word. Well not being one to break tradition and with a sense of knowing irony I can say about my following post - 'these words are my own, they're from the heart....'.
No, two years later I'm older and wiser and having working in the cynical world of the NHS (that's the National Health Service for our friends across the Pond) I have become quite the bearer (or is it barer?) of war wounds and scars. I appear to have reached a hiatus in my life which has given me an opportunity to prepare this post for you, it's been influenced by a veritable plethora of sources - one of which includes my old friend JiB. I've used the template with which I manage my patients to create a guide, if you like, to surviving a relationship. It can be broken down into several parts: history, examination, investigations, treatment and follow-up. Now listen carefully.......
1)The History: This is the most important part of patient management and should be taken carefully. People would present to A&E (that's the ER) with multiple problems e.g. chest infections, asthma attacks, diabetic complications as well as other multiple and varied pathologies (numerous failed relationships, baggage, divorces, STDs, psycho-social dysfunctioning). This information, if correctly elicited can provide you with an instant diagnosis (complete fuck-up/tard/festering cum-bucket).
2) Examination: The most important of this stage is inspection. Inspect the subject for signs of frank inbreeding (six digits on any extremity), dysmorphic facies (posh for pug-ugly cunt). It is also imperative to observe for scars as this will alert you to any previous surgery performed as well as whether they tried to slash their own wrists in an unfortunately unsuccessful attempt to end their own life. In the eyes you always inspect for many things: anaemia, jaundice (yellow tinge in the white of the eye), high cholesterol, guilt, insecurity, fear, jealous (green tinged eyes) etc. Use your stethoscope in a meticulously methodical fashion to listen if they have a heart.
3) Investigations: Always do your homework! Perform a CT scan of their head to check for any obvious malformations, asymmetry, bleeds and the status of their brain (an absence is indicative of Chavsters sign). Do the right blood tests and don't forget to always screen for syphilis prior to engaging into a full relationship.
4) Treatment: Usually a short, sharp course of antibiotics should do the trick. Failing that you could always prescribe some antidepressants or antipsychotics to take home after dumping them from your care. You may also wish to consider an enema for a laugh.
5) Follow-up:Usually a 4-6 week (and sometimes much longer!) post-breakup follow up can be done in clinic. If there are still signs of psychological trauma/ acute paranoia/ frank dysentery then I would recommend immediate discharge from your care. If there are any further problems the ex can always come into A&E or see their fucking lazy GP. Long term problems can be addressed with rehabilitation in the form of marriage counselling, a good lawyer or going back to an old flame who treated you like shit.
Now people, this is of course just a rough guide and peoples individual circumstances vary. First line therapy would be to stop smoking, drinking, doing drugs or getting into 'relationships' in the first place - Doctors orders. I am still confident, that if you follow the proforma above you should live a long a healthy (love) life. If you have any further enquiries please feel free to phone NHS direct on 0845 4647. Failing that you may wish to try the Samaritans.
Disclaimer: All characters in appearing in this post are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
No, two years later I'm older and wiser and having working in the cynical world of the NHS (that's the National Health Service for our friends across the Pond) I have become quite the bearer (or is it barer?) of war wounds and scars. I appear to have reached a hiatus in my life which has given me an opportunity to prepare this post for you, it's been influenced by a veritable plethora of sources - one of which includes my old friend JiB. I've used the template with which I manage my patients to create a guide, if you like, to surviving a relationship. It can be broken down into several parts: history, examination, investigations, treatment and follow-up. Now listen carefully.......
1)The History: This is the most important part of patient management and should be taken carefully. People would present to A&E (that's the ER) with multiple problems e.g. chest infections, asthma attacks, diabetic complications as well as other multiple and varied pathologies (numerous failed relationships, baggage, divorces, STDs, psycho-social dysfunctioning). This information, if correctly elicited can provide you with an instant diagnosis (complete fuck-up/tard/festering cum-bucket).
2) Examination: The most important of this stage is inspection. Inspect the subject for signs of frank inbreeding (six digits on any extremity), dysmorphic facies (posh for pug-ugly cunt). It is also imperative to observe for scars as this will alert you to any previous surgery performed as well as whether they tried to slash their own wrists in an unfortunately unsuccessful attempt to end their own life. In the eyes you always inspect for many things: anaemia, jaundice (yellow tinge in the white of the eye), high cholesterol, guilt, insecurity, fear, jealous (green tinged eyes) etc. Use your stethoscope in a meticulously methodical fashion to listen if they have a heart.
3) Investigations: Always do your homework! Perform a CT scan of their head to check for any obvious malformations, asymmetry, bleeds and the status of their brain (an absence is indicative of Chavsters sign). Do the right blood tests and don't forget to always screen for syphilis prior to engaging into a full relationship.
4) Treatment: Usually a short, sharp course of antibiotics should do the trick. Failing that you could always prescribe some antidepressants or antipsychotics to take home after dumping them from your care. You may also wish to consider an enema for a laugh.
5) Follow-up:Usually a 4-6 week (and sometimes much longer!) post-breakup follow up can be done in clinic. If there are still signs of psychological trauma/ acute paranoia/ frank dysentery then I would recommend immediate discharge from your care. If there are any further problems the ex can always come into A&E or see their fucking lazy GP. Long term problems can be addressed with rehabilitation in the form of marriage counselling, a good lawyer or going back to an old flame who treated you like shit.
Now people, this is of course just a rough guide and peoples individual circumstances vary. First line therapy would be to stop smoking, drinking, doing drugs or getting into 'relationships' in the first place - Doctors orders. I am still confident, that if you follow the proforma above you should live a long a healthy (love) life. If you have any further enquiries please feel free to phone NHS direct on 0845 4647. Failing that you may wish to try the Samaritans.
Disclaimer: All characters in appearing in this post are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
posted by Anonymous | 11:24 am
