Ten Ways to Know That You're an Impossible Fucktard with Love.

Have you ever cringed with absolute agony while attempting to understand someone's logic within the walls of their relationship? Have you ever been dumbfounded by the actions taken to obtain a relationship with an absolutely, unobtainable person? Have you ever wanted to kill someone for being so alarmingly love-struck?
Obviously this happens far too often and obviously I think that people are fucked for it and because of it. So naturally, I've devised a list to aid all the retards with their fidelity issues. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. If you're writing shitty poetry about the state of your relationship (or a very uninteresting and semi-melodramatic lack-of a relationship), or ultimately, any type of poetry for a website that owns the word, "cunt" in it's title, it's time to end it all.

No seriously, ALL OF IT.

Composing a load of love-sap-dribble isn't romantic, it's annoying. Eventually your lover (or fantasy), is going to make it outstandingly clear that he/she isn't interested in your pathetic ass, 'cause while you may think your romantic proses make you clever, everyone else just thinks you're desperate.
The only way to remedy such an atrocious and to be quite honest, embarrassing situation for all persons, is to lower yourself into a giant vat of boiling canola oil for a very dramatic and love-torn ending.

Seriously Casanova, no one wants to hear it.

2. While it may be fun to pass some work hours away with a solid dose of Frogger, it is not appropriate to dash indisputable car-wrecks within your relationship with good timing.

Such instances include:
"It's ok that I got pregnant now. Yeah sure it was a one night stand and my gentiles are burning like a pizza oven, but I'll be getting a raise next month."

"I'm sorry about all the promises I've made you and all the time I've invested in our relationship. I realise that perhaps I may have lead you on, but my ex boyfriend is in town and I think that immersing myself in our dual insanity for a two-week fling, is just what I need."

"What? You're single and I'm single? Perfect. Lets get married."

And the most horrible and gray-matter-hypnotic trend in all of these is: I've born witness to each and every one of them. What the fuck is wrong with you?

3. Meeting men or women on the internet, conversing with them for twenty minutes and ensuingly deciding that you are in fact, "soul mates" is fine.
Creating the false impression by investing all of your time in your pixilised lover that you are in fact a sane and proper person, and you and he have been, "torn apart by the cruel and barbarous bonds of geography," is not. Writing numerous upon numerous emails emphasizing the fact that you will do anything for your long distance lover after knowing them for a week is also not appropriate.

Neither is hunting down their friends through msn after they dump you, to attempt to create this person into a false monster. Obviously it's not his fault you're a god damned lunatic and obviously it's not his friends' fault that they want no part in your insane ambitions.

Side Note: If this is a reacurring instance in your life, it's time to throw out your computer. Also, if your accumulated ex boyfriend's can find a link to each other through the use of your blog/myspace/okcupidaccount for the purpose of discussing why all your relationships fail, it's time to face the overwhelming and painful fact that you are, the common denominator.

4. Staying awake for fifty-four hours straight to analyze the future of your relationship, and then calling your partner for a chat in the midst of sleepy oblivion, is not going to solve the problem. I know this from experience.

5. If you do not understand what the concept of, "alone" means and find that your life is meaningless without the guiding light of love in it, this also may be a suitable time to off yourself.
While it's nice that you want to be loved, no one is going to love an overbearing & clingy teenager. Take the queue from the last fifteen hundred relationships you've been in, and realise that just because he's an art fag, doesn't mean he's going to be the right art fag for you. It's time to explore your singularity, enjoy the time you have to yourself, sleep horizontal on a king mattress and perhaps, eventually, ten years down the road, date someone that owns at least a shade of grey in their closet.

6. Your marriage of thirty years has just collapsed and you feel like a fat cow. While it is appropriate to feel angry and rejected, it is not appropriate to tell your twenty-one-year-old daughter that you haven't had sex in ten years.
If after four years of being alone, you still believe that the alcoholic, remarried man who left you with $50,000 of credit card debt is still your soul mate, you may possibly need more than a little pyhschiatric help.

Please move on. For all of us.

7. If the best lover you can find is a spoiled brat who firmly believes he is one with the universe due to his massive Phish t-shirt & bong collection you need to re-evaluate who you deem a tailor-made boyfriend.
Relying on your dad to pay your cell phone bills at the ripe age of twenty-two and indubitably deciding that it, "harshes your mellow" to work on the weekends, are not qualities you want to marry into.
Keep in mind that if your boyfriend finds it increasingly difficult to introduce you to his friends as, "his girlfriend" you're probably not, his girlfriend. And now that we've established said fact, also keep in mind that this man probably has more STDS than a strung-out, Vietnamese prostitute.

8. If the highlight of your dating career was the three years you spent with a promotional model, do not feel it necessary to remind every one of your friends that you got to shag a hottie at every available opportunity.
While it may help boost your incredibly low sense of self-worth and perhaps aide your dwindling lack of male pride, it ultimately only makes you look like a commiserable lemon to your fellow males and a major dud to us females. Women generally don't keep points in our sexcapades, so hearing about yours is not something that impresses us.

And if you keep it up, your friends will eventually remind you that she is your ex girlfriend for a reason.

9. If you're still brooding over Brad leaving Jen, I firmly suggest a quiet stroll through a minefield in Iraq.

10. If you have, addressed women as, "Grade A Ass," blown kisses to young girls walking innocently down the street, dated someone with the same name as your mother, slept with your boyfriend's, best friend, borrowed your roommate's dildo, taken out an add in the local paper, replied to an add in the local paper, tinkered with the idea of a 3some in your boyfriend's presence, convinced yourself that those, "odd bumps are not warts," thought your dog attractive, wondered what your sister would look like naked, been flattered by someone mistaking you for a prostitute, have invested in a penis pump, been accused of, "dipping your coffee cake in your egg yoke," enjoyed listening about periods in your grade four sex ed class, made ten phone calls to the guy you met last night at the bar in under five minutes, have stolen a one night stand's panties because you enjoy the aroma, think that sticking a beer can up your ass is normal, shown up at your crush's place of employment just to stare at them, bruised someone's ribs and passed it off as a form of flirting, keep locks of girls hair in your closet, watch porn while you eat your dinner, keep lists of the people you've fucked, still own your prom corsage and desperately believe that squeezing your fat ass into a size two will land you a man, you are fucked and so are your chances of ever having a normal relationship.

So please, invest some time in your insanity, join LIAC and write all about your failed relationships over and over. It's what keeps us alive.