I don't know why...
I think of her even though I know that I probably don't love her.
At least I think I don't. How could I? It could have have been a memorable one night stand or a beginning of a beautiful long distance relationship. It turnt out to be neither.
I kept telling myself it wouldn't work out. Keep digging that spade into that big gaping crevice in my heart saying: it won't work out.
She's gorgeous, she's probably got a dozen boys/men in a dozen countries. It won't work out. She's 4 hours away from you man. She doesn't use the internet much. The only way to keep whispering sweet nothings to each other is through massively expensive conventional phone lines (READ: non SKYPE). She's a top-of-the-food-chain model from a 3rd-world country. You're a bottom-of-the-food-chain executive in a 1st-world country. Other than the connection that we'll be making at the hips. There isn't much that we have in common.
It won't work out.
That's right baby. Keep telling yourself it won't work out and chances are it won't. Screw all you motivational gurus out there.
On hindsight, I probably deserved it. I stopped texting her sometime after February. Stopped calling her a few weeks before that.
She wanted to fuck on the 2nd night. I wanted to but didn't. I always turn down women because I think it's cool to turn down women. To prove that I'm in control. To be able to get them into bed without actually getting them into bed. To lead them on to a point where they would want me and say "sorry honey" and then proceed to give them the best oral of their lives. I only wanted to give them what I wanted to give, but never all of me. I gave my all twice. So I'm careful. (I know what you jaded fuckers are gonna say. "Only TWICE. This fucker doesn't know what love is." I do. I may not be JIB but I do.)
Of course I always regret not sleeping with any of them. Especially the gorgeous ones. Especially her. Virginity is a valued commodity only if you are a woman (rarity these days). It's a double-edged sword if you're a man. Women are naturally curious, which probably explains the attention I receive sometimes. Except when they realise that you're REALLY not sleeping with them. Suddenly it's not funny or interesting anymore. But those are stories for another time.
Not that it matters anyway. I know that I'll only get my heart broken when I see her next Feb. If I see her. I half-hoping that she has a wealthy boyfriend because the alternative that the whole thing might actually work out would be too much for my pea-sized brain.
I won't text her because I'm a self-absorbed egoistic coward. I want her yet I can't afford the time nor the energy nor the money to pursue a relationship with her.
So all I have to keep her alive in my head is the fashion magazines with her in them and the promise of that air ticket next February.
In the meantime I spurn lovers and send them packing home after months-old flings. Or bury myself in church and work so that I won't have time to ponder why I'm still single after such a long freaking time.
I'm a sorry excuse for a loser when it comes to love. I hate dealing with it. And that's probably why I feel right at home at LIAC.
I think of her still. I don't know why.
At least I think I don't. How could I? It could have have been a memorable one night stand or a beginning of a beautiful long distance relationship. It turnt out to be neither.
I kept telling myself it wouldn't work out. Keep digging that spade into that big gaping crevice in my heart saying: it won't work out.
She's gorgeous, she's probably got a dozen boys/men in a dozen countries. It won't work out. She's 4 hours away from you man. She doesn't use the internet much. The only way to keep whispering sweet nothings to each other is through massively expensive conventional phone lines (READ: non SKYPE). She's a top-of-the-food-chain model from a 3rd-world country. You're a bottom-of-the-food-chain executive in a 1st-world country. Other than the connection that we'll be making at the hips. There isn't much that we have in common.
It won't work out.
That's right baby. Keep telling yourself it won't work out and chances are it won't. Screw all you motivational gurus out there.
On hindsight, I probably deserved it. I stopped texting her sometime after February. Stopped calling her a few weeks before that.
She wanted to fuck on the 2nd night. I wanted to but didn't. I always turn down women because I think it's cool to turn down women. To prove that I'm in control. To be able to get them into bed without actually getting them into bed. To lead them on to a point where they would want me and say "sorry honey" and then proceed to give them the best oral of their lives. I only wanted to give them what I wanted to give, but never all of me. I gave my all twice. So I'm careful. (I know what you jaded fuckers are gonna say. "Only TWICE. This fucker doesn't know what love is." I do. I may not be JIB but I do.)
Of course I always regret not sleeping with any of them. Especially the gorgeous ones. Especially her. Virginity is a valued commodity only if you are a woman (rarity these days). It's a double-edged sword if you're a man. Women are naturally curious, which probably explains the attention I receive sometimes. Except when they realise that you're REALLY not sleeping with them. Suddenly it's not funny or interesting anymore. But those are stories for another time.
Not that it matters anyway. I know that I'll only get my heart broken when I see her next Feb. If I see her. I half-hoping that she has a wealthy boyfriend because the alternative that the whole thing might actually work out would be too much for my pea-sized brain.
I won't text her because I'm a self-absorbed egoistic coward. I want her yet I can't afford the time nor the energy nor the money to pursue a relationship with her.
So all I have to keep her alive in my head is the fashion magazines with her in them and the promise of that air ticket next February.
In the meantime I spurn lovers and send them packing home after months-old flings. Or bury myself in church and work so that I won't have time to ponder why I'm still single after such a long freaking time.
I'm a sorry excuse for a loser when it comes to love. I hate dealing with it. And that's probably why I feel right at home at LIAC.
I think of her still. I don't know why.
posted by Elessar Avenflame | 8:19 pm
I'll tell you what I loved most about this post. You didn't excuse or justify your behavior in any way. You owned it. I love what you said. I'm immediately linking you.
I agree with what Sex & Moxie said, you weren't whiny, you just blatently call yourself egotistical.
But also... knowing that it won't work out only seems to make you think about a person more often :/.
LIAC allows me to render my most heartfelt emotions which I can't do on my regular blog because there's too many church kids out there who might be reading what I write.
Yeah I know. And the fact remains that I'm thinking of her now more than ever because I'm not being involved with anyone right now.
It's probably like you missing one of your ex because you're lonely and you just want to be happy again.
I like how you immediately decided I missed my ex (and I use the term lightly, heh) because I was 'lonely and just want to be happy again'.
That's interesting.
Elessar Avenflame: You should just start missing me instead.
One would be terribly flattered to know that a man thinks of them while in a time of sorrow. You should tell her that you miss her, even if it's for the wrong reasons.
Or you could just fall madly in love with me because I'm absolutely fine with the games you play.
chances are you're several time zones away from me. and i do have this problem with long distance relationships.
although in the very very small chance that you happen to live in Singapore, email me and we'll get in touch.
oh and saying I miss you in that way to my ex-girlfriends?
it's suicide. I dont even want to consider that. the fact that they're both my best friends now doesn't help things either.
I like my balls intact thank you very much.
You should really just move to Canada. I'll make it worth the effort and you'll get to keep your balls intact.
I'll think about it.
In the meantime, my email is avenflame@gmail.com
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