Clarity

Clearly my last post has stirred up some emotions. I am not going to defend my actions as just or right. I'm not upset by those of you who wrote bad about me. I did write about a very as-seen-on-Jerry Springer-situation, one I never hoped to find myself in. However, the truth be told, you do not know most of the story. I have left many open spaces. I will not fill them all in for you, because there are some things that should be left unsaid.
I will not tell the tale of my marriage and the faults in it. I can tell you, that my husband did something that changed the person I am. I in turn made things worse. And yet, we still love each other and are best friends. We have learned to work through our problems together. We know how to forgive. He is the only person I have ever truly trusted. And he lost so much of that trust for what he has done. I speak honestly and openly about everything, and he could not do that. In this situation, I am torn between telling him and not telling him. It's not that I'm afraid he will stop loving and trusting me, nor do I think it will hurt him. I only feel, that I need to fully comprehend the situation and its consequences.
In reality, it has severely messed me up. It is difficult enough to deal with my feelings towards my mother as it is. Now I need to get over her having had a one night stand with a man, who is younger than I am. It gets even more complicated, because of my intimate relationship with him. Knowing that I am very much like my mother, I know it would have been easier for me to have simply used him for sex as well. That is not what happened though. So now I have to deal with the whole love issue.
My husband finds it difficult to love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. This is a problem for him in all relationships, not just with me. I'm sure you'll take what you want from that statement. In one night this other man gave me that love naturally. I gave it to him as well. I do not regret it. I needed to be loved like that. And in all fairness, it is much more innocent than it sounds. We did not have sex. We didn't even kiss each other on the mouth.
It may sound harsh, that it is not my marriage I am worried about. My relationship with my husband is very strong and secure. I'm sure many of you will find that hard to believe. There is more to relationships than the stuff rambled on about here. Each person is individually responsible for their own life. Good luck to those of you, who pass judgment without clearly understanding.
I worry about my relationship to my mother. I love her very much. I forgive easily. And yet, the bad thoughts still linger. I hate to even think about my mother in a bad light. I also worry about myself. I worry that like her, the love I have will not be enough, and I will constantly be on the search for something better. I know what I have in my husband. I'm very fortunate. So, I want the feeling that something is missing to wash away. If it remains, then my relationship will fail. But who is to blame? We , my husband and I, know what is possible. We know how things have gone. We decide to share the blame.
I also think about that other man. I do not love him for anything more than a friend. I have my own worries for him. His best friend has offered me his love, support, advice, and thoughts about it all. He was able to ease a few of my worries. I can't talk to him completely about it. I wish that I could speak to this man or to my mother, but I think their way of dealing with it is by closing up and forgetting. I am not capable of that. I am much to sensitive and thoughtful.
I want to thank Enid for her post. It is a hard situation to deal with. And the things you write are wise and truthful. And the biggest truth of all is, I alone have to make that decision.