Coo, coo, ca-choo, Mrs Robinson
I met a man recently, with whom I instantly had a connection with. We could talk easily and openly, we had fun together, and we flirted a lot. On our last night together, I found myself in bed with him. It was perhaps the most intimate night of my life. We laid there for hours just touching each other and talking every now and then. We did not have sex, though we both wanted to. It could have been so perfect, if it had not been for the fact that he had slept with my mother that same night.
I'm not upset with him. She's hard to resist. She's a modern day Mrs. Robinson. And she's fulfilled his boyish fantasy. That night I had even told him, that she would get him into bed and afterwards she would just leave. I was right. When she returned, I left and went to him. I was angry with her. I didn't even want to be in the same room as her. How could she have slept with this kid, this boy younger than me?
I could have stopped it earlier on that night. I was upset when I saw her all over him. I wanted to stop it, but I didn't. I'm married, so I decided to just let him go, because surely nothing would happen between us anyway. And knowing my mom cheats on her husband with many men, it shouldn't make a difference to me if she uses some young man just for fun.
I was wrong. It means more to me than I could ever have expected. I spent hours with him, memorizing his body, his smell, his heartbeat. I gave him love and that's where I ultimately went wrong. I could have just used him for sex too and walked away. I could have been just like her, because it becomes more obvious to me that I am, but I couldn't do it. He wouldn't let me. I told him I didn't want to be like her and that having sex with him makes me worse than her. So we cuddled up and fell asleep together instead.
And now I'm constantly thinking about that night. I even return there to him in my sleep. My husband woke me the other night, because of it. Usually I tell my husband everything. This time I don't feel I can. What should I say? "I slept with this man, but we didn't have sex. And though it was nothing, it means so much to me."
Maybe I just felt my mom used him and I wanted to make it up to him. Maybe I was just lonely and wanted to be with someone. Or maybe, as his best friend says, it happened naturally the way it did, and I should stop worrying about it. But how do I do that? I gave him my love and love is a cunt. I could have just fucked him.
I'm not upset with him. She's hard to resist. She's a modern day Mrs. Robinson. And she's fulfilled his boyish fantasy. That night I had even told him, that she would get him into bed and afterwards she would just leave. I was right. When she returned, I left and went to him. I was angry with her. I didn't even want to be in the same room as her. How could she have slept with this kid, this boy younger than me?
I could have stopped it earlier on that night. I was upset when I saw her all over him. I wanted to stop it, but I didn't. I'm married, so I decided to just let him go, because surely nothing would happen between us anyway. And knowing my mom cheats on her husband with many men, it shouldn't make a difference to me if she uses some young man just for fun.
I was wrong. It means more to me than I could ever have expected. I spent hours with him, memorizing his body, his smell, his heartbeat. I gave him love and that's where I ultimately went wrong. I could have just used him for sex too and walked away. I could have been just like her, because it becomes more obvious to me that I am, but I couldn't do it. He wouldn't let me. I told him I didn't want to be like her and that having sex with him makes me worse than her. So we cuddled up and fell asleep together instead.
And now I'm constantly thinking about that night. I even return there to him in my sleep. My husband woke me the other night, because of it. Usually I tell my husband everything. This time I don't feel I can. What should I say? "I slept with this man, but we didn't have sex. And though it was nothing, it means so much to me."
Maybe I just felt my mom used him and I wanted to make it up to him. Maybe I was just lonely and wanted to be with someone. Or maybe, as his best friend says, it happened naturally the way it did, and I should stop worrying about it. But how do I do that? I gave him my love and love is a cunt. I could have just fucked him.
posted by pillowfeather | 3:56 pm
That was beautiful, in the way that only the darkest nightmares can be.
(and on tonight's show: "I Wanted to Commit Adultery with the Man that my Married Mother Slept with!")
I don't think you should tell your husband. It would lift a weight off your chest and onto his. Telling people these things only hurts them.
I will not defend my actions as right or just. In reality, I am severly messed up by what has happened. I don't want to go into the whole mess about my marriage. I will say this though, he has done something that made me change who I am. I in turn made things only worse. He has a difficult time giving me the love I want and need. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that another man, a man who slept with my mother, gave me this love in one night. I gave it to him as well. I did not fall in love with this other man. And I don't see us being anything more than friends. What happened that night between the two of us is mostly innocent. It is the feelings that are harder to deal with. I wish that I could talk with her or him about that night, but I just can't. His best friend has offered me his love, support, advice, and thoughts on the matter. But because he is the best friend, I'm still not capable of completely revealing my thoughts to him. I have left a lot of empty spaces and I do not plan to fill them.