Culture Shock
I am an Asian guy that went to university in a backwards suburb of the English countryside/shoreline. Most of the people I met there had never been friends with an Asian (or {insert UK ethnic minority here}) before. Although the town around was pretty racist, the university itself was not. So it was here that I got grounded in the art of dating middle-class English white girls.
To say that they 'didn't quite get' my cultural roots would be an understatement - even the couple I fell in love with. Their ideas of non-Caucasians seemed mainly brought up on a diet of stereotypes and mass-market film. Never a good thing...
Being from Sri Lanka and living in the UK all my life meant that I was pretty understanding of their own English culture - which amounted to respecting the queen, hating Germans, drinking tea and being pretentious*. Now, compare that to the culture of S. India, and we have several thousand distinct differences. In fact, everything is different.
I don't want to go into examples and there's a good reason for that. It's the same reason that bridging this cultural divide can be so difficult in the first place. It really is hard to explain what my family (immediate and extended) is like, what they expect from me, from my life, from my aspirations and from my girlfriend. If years of patient explanation to someone I'm sleeping with doesn't work, then a few paragraphs on a blog definitely won't. So I'll just stick with dark, vague references to the chasm of difference.
There was one girl, however, that I went out with who was perfect. She was genuinely keen on immersing herself in Sri Lankan culture, and read literature and listened to music related to it. She spoke to my parents on a level that charmed them, and interacted with my family in a way that was totally natural - and I loved her because I knew she had to learn all this shit. If she was giving someone something, she'd always use her right hand to pass it. She'd try (bless her!) to pronounce our tongue-twister names correctly. At Indian restaurants she'd never order chips (thank fuck). Stupid shit that other girls never seemed to care about, but for me was a way of life, and certainly the way into my eternity.
I, for my own part, went round to her parents house and drank tea and acted pretentious. Obviously, I didn't have much to learn - but that's the hurdle. I could do both cultures, whereas she had to make an effort to accommodate mine. I'm glad and impressed that she rose to the challenge.
Obviously, my relationship with her is now atomically destroyed and out the window. But it's her I think of when I see my own, fucking crazy family and think - how can I ever marry someone who isn't part of this culture already? I do think it's easier to meet a Sri Lankan girl, who comes pre-packaged with an utter, silent respect for my father and a full working knowledge of how to cook good food. But the path of least resistance is rarely towards love.
Unfortunately, it's a very rare person that will respect a set of values and traditions which are so far removed from their own reality that you may as well have come from the fucking moon.
So I'm glad that I've seen it's possible, to be with a partner who loves you enough to want to understand and not see the value shift as a sacrifice, but as something to learn from and enjoy. A real respect for each other's background and family.
Surely it makes the world a better, more cosmopolitan place?
* I'm joking, get over it.
To say that they 'didn't quite get' my cultural roots would be an understatement - even the couple I fell in love with. Their ideas of non-Caucasians seemed mainly brought up on a diet of stereotypes and mass-market film. Never a good thing...
Being from Sri Lanka and living in the UK all my life meant that I was pretty understanding of their own English culture - which amounted to respecting the queen, hating Germans, drinking tea and being pretentious*. Now, compare that to the culture of S. India, and we have several thousand distinct differences. In fact, everything is different.
I don't want to go into examples and there's a good reason for that. It's the same reason that bridging this cultural divide can be so difficult in the first place. It really is hard to explain what my family (immediate and extended) is like, what they expect from me, from my life, from my aspirations and from my girlfriend. If years of patient explanation to someone I'm sleeping with doesn't work, then a few paragraphs on a blog definitely won't. So I'll just stick with dark, vague references to the chasm of difference.
There was one girl, however, that I went out with who was perfect. She was genuinely keen on immersing herself in Sri Lankan culture, and read literature and listened to music related to it. She spoke to my parents on a level that charmed them, and interacted with my family in a way that was totally natural - and I loved her because I knew she had to learn all this shit. If she was giving someone something, she'd always use her right hand to pass it. She'd try (bless her!) to pronounce our tongue-twister names correctly. At Indian restaurants she'd never order chips (thank fuck). Stupid shit that other girls never seemed to care about, but for me was a way of life, and certainly the way into my eternity.
I, for my own part, went round to her parents house and drank tea and acted pretentious. Obviously, I didn't have much to learn - but that's the hurdle. I could do both cultures, whereas she had to make an effort to accommodate mine. I'm glad and impressed that she rose to the challenge.
Obviously, my relationship with her is now atomically destroyed and out the window. But it's her I think of when I see my own, fucking crazy family and think - how can I ever marry someone who isn't part of this culture already? I do think it's easier to meet a Sri Lankan girl, who comes pre-packaged with an utter, silent respect for my father and a full working knowledge of how to cook good food. But the path of least resistance is rarely towards love.
Unfortunately, it's a very rare person that will respect a set of values and traditions which are so far removed from their own reality that you may as well have come from the fucking moon.
So I'm glad that I've seen it's possible, to be with a partner who loves you enough to want to understand and not see the value shift as a sacrifice, but as something to learn from and enjoy. A real respect for each other's background and family.
Surely it makes the world a better, more cosmopolitan place?
* I'm joking, get over it.
posted by Juliet is Bleeding... | 7:57 pm
my husband and i come from two different cultures. we both made compromises for our love. at home we speak english, though we are not living in an english speaking country. and i have learned his language and culture. there are still so many times where it becomes a problem though. his parents feel they will never really know me, but that is because they do not take one tenth of the effort that i have. i still feel out of place and often like i'm weird or wrong for the way i do things. and there are times when it gets to me and i hate everything and everyone who has to do with this culture and language. and a lot of times, i'm sure he would have been better off with one of his own (that sound bad). i think i'll leave it at that for now.
I totally understand what you mean. I was writing more from the perspective of massive marginalisation of Indian culture in the UK, which makes the very first diffences you meet (i.e. the simple ones between you and your partner) already pretty big.
Anyway, as I was saying, I do empathise. It sounds like, although *you* have respected his culture, people from his side of the divide haven't respected yours. Tough situation, and I'm sure I'll have to face up to something similar at some point. Great.
Still, at least your kids will be growing up in a world where the divide is slightly lessened for the sacrifices you/we make.
even in a situation where both spouses are from the same region, the same racial backround, the same religious backround, there are still cultural differences to overcome.
for example, i came from a very dysfunctional (divorced neglectful parents, splintered extended family) middle class white family. my ex husband came from a very dysfuntional (substance abuse problems, legal difficulties, mental illnesses) middle class white family. we all spoke the same language. we were all the same color. none of us was very into religion. i thought there wouldnt be any problems with my family mixing with his... boy oh boy was i ever wrong.
i wont detail the differences, but even when two people seem to have a lot in common, there are still about a half a million things that they have to divide them. some more obvious than others. and each one is just as big of an obstacle to overcome.
i'm not trying to belittle the cultural differences between Indian/Asian culture and UK/English culture. quite the opposite. that kind of culture clash is insanely difficult to overcome, especially when added in on top of the normal kinds of cultural differences that would normally occur between two people and their families. i have known quite a few who have managed to deal with it well though.
i know asians (chinese in this case) who married black americans, germans who married mexicans, indian women who married white men, indian men who married white women... you name it, i've seen it work... heck, i've even seen jews and catholics marry muslims -- talk about culture clash! but they all manage to survive a lot better than a fair amount of us who stick to our own race/religion/culture. while i was in school (grade school that is) my best friend's father was born and raised muslim in Iran, and her mother was born and raised protestant in minnesota, USA. and you know what? they've been married for almost 35 years now, have 5 kids, 3 grand children, and are still perfectly happy with one another.
it can be done. really it can.
excellent comment tess. you're right, if the people involved in the relationship are in for it, then they can overcome any differences. i've seen it all too.
I agree, that was a great comment.