You Were My Lesson, I Had To Learn... I Was Your Fortress

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Girlwithaknife wrote this post disputing the very existence of platonic male-female relationships.

I'd wholeheartedly agree that virtually every male-female friendship begins with at least one party wanting to fuck the other.

There are of course some exceptions. Friends' partners. Some colleagues. Family related acquaintances.

The first time I met Simon*, I categorically did not want to fuck him. Moreover, I would have liked to have fucked my other colleague, Steve*. And possibly a few of the others, too.

Simon had a girlfriend of six years, so he was out of bounds. Unfortunately, this made me feel particularly at ease with him and resulted in a very close friendship with no holds barred. We talked until the cows came home. We laughed until we cried.

And it's when you think that nothing can ever be that you let your guard down completely. When you're definitely not trying to fuck someone is when you'll find yourself most wanton.

There's a reason a man has an appendage and a woman has - well, a hole in which to stick said appendage. Between two reasonably attractive and likeminded people, attraction will emerge against all odds. It's nature.

There came a point when I knew Simon wanted me, and part of me grooved on the power trip. The other, sensible part of me made me want to steer well clear.

Inevitably, what ensued was a torrid affair which set me against all my moral responsibilities and made me what I'd swore I'd never be: The Other Woman. I'd always thought that women who put themselves in that position were insecure wrecks, wanting to steal some form of satisfaction in fucking another girl's man. That wasn't the way it worked for me.

At the time, I didn't want commitment. I'd just thrown away a three-year relationship on those very grounds. I didn't want to steal him from her. I just wanted to fuck him, and I couldn't control that urge. I felt that what we had between us was different, that we had a special bond that nobody, not even her, could destroy or even penetrate. We were friends who fucked, and for a while, that was how I wanted it to be. I was genuinely happy with the situation.

But the heart is a fickle and fucked-up creature. When Simon said, "If we're meant to be, we will be", mine skipped a beat. I felt a surge of hope, of anticipation of what might become of us. I never gave myself away, never told him any of what I had begun to feel or how I'd grown to love him.

I silently listened to his wishful words, wondering if they were pure bullshit designed to make me succumb to his every sexual whim, or whether he truly was falling for me as he said he was. We were both playing with fire, and we knew it. But rather than envying his girlfriend, I pitied her. And rather than feeling used, I felt empowered. Not because I was fucking someone else's boyfriend, but because I was leading him to do something he knew he shouldn't, and he was too weak to resist. I was on a power trip.

Once I had him, I was happy for a while. One day, though, I looked at him in his nakedness, and realised that in fact he had rather a flabby little arse, and was excruciatingly pale. He sounded stupid when he tried to be macho, and it didn't suit him to be into football and cars. His social character was uneasy, false, and he did himself an injustice.

I did myself an injustice, too. A mark on my character that cannot be erased. When I admit I had an affair with a virtually-married man, people are shocked. I despise infidelity, and yet I played ball for far too long to claim innocence.

Now, that man could never be a friend to me. I understand all too well how his mind works. And once you have that figured, you either love that person or hate them. But I no longer even hate him. He destroyed my sanity and my sparkle, but I got them back. And now I pity him.

Long ago, I lost the energy to despise him. I lost the will to care. Because, even though someone can break you in two, you can always fix yourself again. And it's not worth hating when you know now, and knew even then deep down, that you were never meant to be.

Simon, you were right to screw me over. If you hadn't, I would undoubtedly have screwed you over eventually.

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken?I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
Walk away

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Walk away

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken? I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye
There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

*Names have been changed to protect identities.