Capital Romance

Once upon a time, I’d finished my final second-year exams at University, so my friend and I ended up in Waterloo getting wasted with the guy I was going to work for over the holidays. In fact, we weren’t really getting wasted with him, we were already wasted when we turned up. Kids, eh? Nonetheless, my boss bought us a round and sat us down at a table, where I promptly keeled face-down onto the wood and into a drunken stupor.

Obviously my mate and boss were having a great time regardless, so they decided to leave me be and carry me into a cab later on. A little later on my boss had to go and mingle with people at the bar, so my friend was left alone with my drooled murmurings. After a few minutes a girl approached and asked what the matter was and if I was okay. My friend told her that we were students, had just finished our last exam of the year, and were out celebrating and I’d be fine. She left. Later on, another girl approached, having the same concerns over my alcoholically poisoned pseudo-corpse. Wanting a bit of entertainment, my friend told her that I’d just been accepted for promotion - a job worth several-hundred-K/year – and had gotten a little too drunk in celebration. He then said I was okay, and that my boss was getting me some water - whom he pointed out to the girl who turned to see an extravagantly-bespoked American wave at them before turning to flap fifty-pound notes at the bar. She wouldn’t leave.

The girl who thought I was a rich bastard tried to stay and help me out for exactly a hundred times longer than the girl who thought I was a pissed-up student. Indeed, she stuck around until her boyfriend turned up and dragged her away. Yes, it could all have been coincidence, but it’s a mildly entertaining way to dive feet-first into what I want to get stupendously irate about for no reason whatsoever today. Girls that love guys with money.

Not that I'm offended by them - I'm not. It's the people that are offended by them that offend me. Okay, before digging this hole any deeper, let me point out something so simple that even you will understand it:

Guys like girls that look good and girls that cook well and girls that give great head and… Blah, blah fucking blah – the list of trivial, superficial reasons could read longer than the list of things wrong with your stupid face, which is very long indeed. But we all take this for granted, and if a guy likes a girl because she cooks great lasagne then we think “hmm, fair enough”. Okay, so we actually think “what a fucking retarded reason, but fair enough”, but you see what I’m saying, right? Guys are allowed to like girls for superficial reasons. It seems the status quo.

So why aren’t girls allowed to do the same? Because they’re not superficial? Because they’re not supposed to be superficial? Because they’re not supposed to suppose that girls aren’t supposed to be superficial? Again, the list could extend as long as the list of people that’ve had your mother, which is very long indeed. But we do impose a non-superficiality clause on girls. All the time. And if they are superficial, they are branded a slut and whore and slapper and every other nickname I've given my ex.

The weirdest thing? Their reasons aren’t even particularly superficial. To like a guy who’s in a position of power, or is fabulously wealthy, or is famous are all less superficial than liking a girl who cleans up after you. Way less superficial. In fact, perfectly valid reasons for liking someone. I think the fact that girls do like these qualities (and come on – most of you fucking do) are as standardly decent as somebody who gets turned on by intellect or looks. I suppose what I'm really saying - is what separates superficial reasons for initially liking people from the deep reasons? The answer? Fuck all. All are valid. All except for, "his cancer makes me laugh".

This post was basically brought on by an argument with a friend of mine re: how he doesn't "go for" girls that like rich men, and I couldn't understand why. Of course, it’s the gold-diggers that bring a bad name on the normal girls. The girls that would love to hump a partner at Lehman Bros., but not because he can get her into Tramps nightclub with free drinks. Girls that get turned on by money and power in a fucking cunt of a world that runs on those things. I just don’t see anything wrong with it.

Plus, it’s the only thing that lets me pull when my chat-up line is - literally - the word “uggggggrraaaahhnnhhh”. Splendid stuff.