Sex, Lies and Videotape
Whilst I haven’t seen the film of the same name as this title (because it sounds shit, correct me if I’m wrong), it seemed fitting enough for what I’m going to get hot and bothered about today. Very hot and bothered in fact. Because the fucking sun is melting me away as I type this. Fucking British offices with their shitty air-con. Anyway.
I was reading this post by Undies, and with every sentence she wrote my view of humanity darkened and shrivelled until it looked like Mandela’s corpse post-seven-weeks of being washed up onto Bondi Beach in an oil slick. She was writing about, “at what probability of being caught, would you cheat?”. More telling, though, is that she assumes that at 0% chance of being caught, anybody would. The sad fact is, she’s right. Even though she’s so grotesquely wrong.
Only in a world that was crafted by god to be an overwhelming series of utter, contradictory fuck-up could anybody be as simultaneously right and wrong as that. I’m in the minority viewpoint here, clearly, so I’ll have to explain why I think it’s wrong carefully…
If your relationship sucks so badly you need to cheat, then why on Earth would you let it continue?
I guess I could just leave it there. But no, as usual, I’m going to rant and rave like someone that’s been put in a blazing greenhouse of an office and forced to die slowly through a combination of heat-exhaustion and broiled organs, which is in fact what’s happening to me at the moment.
To me, cheating seems like something so illogical I just can’t understand the motives behind it. I mean, I can understand why someone might do it. Your relationship might be shit, your sex-life might be lacking, you might see more attractive possibilities or you might be on the verge of break-up. But why can’t people see that all those things are exactly the same thing?
And don’t get me wrong here – I’m not saying I’ve never wanted to cheat on someone. I have - of course I have. I’ve had more fucked up relationships than you’ve had hot TV dinners in front of Eastenders. But I’ve always wanted to cheat when everything’s gone to pot anyway, so the relationship always ended first. Then I would go and… Well, completely fail to get laid regardless, but you get the point.
In the face of what I’ve just said, which is utterly fucking correct, there are three schools of thought that think they can avoid the “why not break up first?” quandary and cheat to their own benefit:
1. The Cowards
The ones that are afraid of being alone. The ones that are in bad relationships but are too scared to let go, because even though they know it’s all over, they’d prefer to cling onto broken love because hey – it’s better than the cold, dark void of fuck-all. I mean, I would never quit my job until I had another one lined up. That makes sense. But to apply the same thinking to relationships is fucking cowardice. And I know or have heard of plenty of people who are scared enough to do this.
2. The Shallow
The ones that don’t see sex with their partner as the be-all and end-all of all physical pleasures. In fact, the ones that can’t see how this could be possible. It’s unfortunate, because these are also the people that haven’t had real sex. They’ve masturbated with another person. Sex should be a connection at every level, and the release should be total. And the exploration and deepening of it must appeal to you so much more – ecliptically more – than tasting other possibilities. It can happen. If you think it can’t, or think it can’t happen to you, then shoot yourself in the face because what you’re calling sex is about as good as using an experienced professional. In any case – these folks see cheating as pretty normal, because they can get the same sub-standard exhilaration with anybody else. Ah well.
3. The Evil
No need for explanation here – just the ones that do it as revenge, or a power-trip, or whatever. These guys clearly need to be fitted up as paedophiles, stamped with a Nazi tattoo and thrown into the rape wing at HMP Pentonville.
All these people think that the absolute, indisputable truth of my italicised statement above doesn’t apply to them, though they know they’re lying fuckers. There is no situation where you can cheat and say it’s justifiable. It’s always your fault. It’s not even the person you cheated with’s fault. It’s all down to your own mental disrepair.
So think about that, next time you have an opportunity with a 0% chance of discovery. Think about what you’re really proving to yourself by taking it. Though there’s a 0% chance of being found out, there’s a 100% chance you’re a fucknut.
I was reading this post by Undies, and with every sentence she wrote my view of humanity darkened and shrivelled until it looked like Mandela’s corpse post-seven-weeks of being washed up onto Bondi Beach in an oil slick. She was writing about, “at what probability of being caught, would you cheat?”. More telling, though, is that she assumes that at 0% chance of being caught, anybody would. The sad fact is, she’s right. Even though she’s so grotesquely wrong.
Only in a world that was crafted by god to be an overwhelming series of utter, contradictory fuck-up could anybody be as simultaneously right and wrong as that. I’m in the minority viewpoint here, clearly, so I’ll have to explain why I think it’s wrong carefully…
If your relationship sucks so badly you need to cheat, then why on Earth would you let it continue?
I guess I could just leave it there. But no, as usual, I’m going to rant and rave like someone that’s been put in a blazing greenhouse of an office and forced to die slowly through a combination of heat-exhaustion and broiled organs, which is in fact what’s happening to me at the moment.
To me, cheating seems like something so illogical I just can’t understand the motives behind it. I mean, I can understand why someone might do it. Your relationship might be shit, your sex-life might be lacking, you might see more attractive possibilities or you might be on the verge of break-up. But why can’t people see that all those things are exactly the same thing?
And don’t get me wrong here – I’m not saying I’ve never wanted to cheat on someone. I have - of course I have. I’ve had more fucked up relationships than you’ve had hot TV dinners in front of Eastenders. But I’ve always wanted to cheat when everything’s gone to pot anyway, so the relationship always ended first. Then I would go and… Well, completely fail to get laid regardless, but you get the point.
In the face of what I’ve just said, which is utterly fucking correct, there are three schools of thought that think they can avoid the “why not break up first?” quandary and cheat to their own benefit:
1. The Cowards
The ones that are afraid of being alone. The ones that are in bad relationships but are too scared to let go, because even though they know it’s all over, they’d prefer to cling onto broken love because hey – it’s better than the cold, dark void of fuck-all. I mean, I would never quit my job until I had another one lined up. That makes sense. But to apply the same thinking to relationships is fucking cowardice. And I know or have heard of plenty of people who are scared enough to do this.
2. The Shallow
The ones that don’t see sex with their partner as the be-all and end-all of all physical pleasures. In fact, the ones that can’t see how this could be possible. It’s unfortunate, because these are also the people that haven’t had real sex. They’ve masturbated with another person. Sex should be a connection at every level, and the release should be total. And the exploration and deepening of it must appeal to you so much more – ecliptically more – than tasting other possibilities. It can happen. If you think it can’t, or think it can’t happen to you, then shoot yourself in the face because what you’re calling sex is about as good as using an experienced professional. In any case – these folks see cheating as pretty normal, because they can get the same sub-standard exhilaration with anybody else. Ah well.
3. The Evil
No need for explanation here – just the ones that do it as revenge, or a power-trip, or whatever. These guys clearly need to be fitted up as paedophiles, stamped with a Nazi tattoo and thrown into the rape wing at HMP Pentonville.
All these people think that the absolute, indisputable truth of my italicised statement above doesn’t apply to them, though they know they’re lying fuckers. There is no situation where you can cheat and say it’s justifiable. It’s always your fault. It’s not even the person you cheated with’s fault. It’s all down to your own mental disrepair.
So think about that, next time you have an opportunity with a 0% chance of discovery. Think about what you’re really proving to yourself by taking it. Though there’s a 0% chance of being found out, there’s a 100% chance you’re a fucknut.
posted by Juliet is Bleeding... | 1:31 pm
I think it's safe to say that if you fall into more than one of those categories your relationship isn't fucked, YOU are fucked.
That entire comment was a contradiction undies. If you are happy in your relationship, no amount of irresistible comments should make you want to drop your panties and say, "take me big boy."
I have apparently just come to grips with why so many American men go to clubs: If droping one fucking compliment is all it takes to get into a woman's pants, I'd fucking be there too.
But either way, sleeping with someone because they admire you more than the person you are with isn't a fucking justification, it's a neon, flashing sign going off that you need some selfesteem and a massive deposit in your morally bankrupt piggy bank.
To the word, what Diddums said. To the word.
Diddums said it all.
My neurons are currently short-circuiting as I try to formulate a response to one of the most inane comments I've read thus far.
A relationship can never be truly happy when one of the partners hasn't the requisite qualities of honor, integrity, and respect.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
...We all know my morals are completely questionable, so there is no need to comment on that one.
Anyway, my thing is that I cheated three times on a guy I was perfectly happy with, though I admit each act of cheating happened while he was too busy to satisfy me in the ways I required. None of them were his fault though, as he was not the one doing the cheating (well, not on me at least). I did all the sexual acts and I did them with full knowledge that he would find out about them, as I had no reason to lie about my actions. After all, healthy relationships are not built on lies.
And with that totally fucked up real-life scenario, I implore you, JiB, to think about adding another category to represent those who cheat while in a perfectly good relationship that they are happy to have. It should probably be titled "The Head Fucks" or simply "The Fuck Ups."
(Sorry this comment is so off...I'm just too tired for any version of real thinking.)
"A relationship can never be truly happy when one of the partners hasn't the requisite qualities of honor, integrity, and respect."
All of my future relationships are already fucked, then.
But how can I be all evil when I love puppies? lol ;)
Anyway, I cheated on Baboo three times, true enough, but he cheated on his wife for two years, so it was never as if either of us was completely innocent.
No disrespect but Tunnel vision - that is I would call this post dear JIB.
Not everything in life and in peoples'psyche is categorised as in your groups 1,2,3 and the added 4. Before we start the debate I need to ask a question. Are you talking about "cheating" as in physical, sexual cheating only? Do the "non-cheaters" never hide anything from their parners?
I disagree with your statement in Italic.Not everything is black & white as stay in or end it in all relationships.
No one goes out thinking I am going to cheat. There are complex reasons for it happening in relationships including your No. 1, 2 & 3 but there are more.
This is a discussion and point of view so please no personal attacks!
Lord have mercy...
It's not tunnel vision ButterflyUK - it's generalisation. A totally correct generalisation, because cheating is black and white. Care to give me an example of what you're fucking talking about? Specifically, where the statement I made so lovingly italicised is incorrect? I mean, I love your vague "you're wrong" comment, but you know, I took the time to write a thousand words about why I thought I was right, the least you can do is offer some semblance of counterpoint.
And I know you don't want me to resort to personal insults, but I have to say, anybody that asks for a definition of cheating (when used in a totally general post on a public website) is a total cretin. Cheating is sleeping with another person whilst you're going out with someone else. Fucking obviously.
Of Open Doors: No idea why you're agreeing with BUK. You seem to have the right idea, you're just in category 2 :-(
To Of Open Doors: actually, there is a breed of hedgehog and I think a monkey too (that breed for life).... oh, and Dolphins, to the best of my knowledge, also breed for life.
Although humans are not naturally monogamous, and one could argue that the notion of monogamy was created to control women and blah blah blah, the fact is that we still CHOOSE to be with one person and there are also a whole host of people that would readily and happily consent to that weird phenomenon of "open relationships".
If you portray yourself as being monogamous, have the balls to admit that you aren't anymore, or - even better - that you don't want to be BEFORE you fuck with someone's emotions. Especially when it's someone that loves your sorry ass.
I really do believe that most cheating comes from a lack of self respect. People that respect themselves have integrity and people with integrity don't crush other people's souls.
It really is "that" simple.
Juliet is bleeding, you are far too quick to carve society into 3 categories and place everyone into a box (a predefined number of boxes in fact). I do not fall into any of the categories you describe. I left my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend obviously) I am not evil (category 3), I am not shallow (category 2) and I am not a coward (category 1) as I left my ex, yes I left my ex, and I am mow single and not scared of the fact.
What you need to consider is the fact that people can exist having acheived goals that you would not have set for yourself and acheived things that you would not look into.
JYS
Good luck with that hangover!
ARGGGHHHHH!!!!
JiB, I'm with you 100% on this one.
JYS - were we talking about leaving people or fucking other people when you haven't yet left said "significant other"???
the point, i think, was that one should have/find/fake the courage to leave even though they might not like the consequences, if only to simply save the emotions of someone that they have made a commitment to.
Am I totally off base here?
Bloody hell, how do people not understand this basic principle!!??
Munkeez, you are totally *on* base, and I agreed completely with your prior comment too.
As for why people aren't getting it - JYS clearly just can't read whilst most other people in the world are just gormless fuckers.
Some of this thread is such a good example of why LIAC exists. Pick your partner wisely - a lot of folks have such a bizarre view of simple fidelity that they might as well have come from Timbuk-fucking-tu and should sod off back there really.
OOD: Yep, fair enough, perhaps option 2 could be renamed. Not sure to what, though.
It amazes me that this post is so unbelievably hard to grasp for so many people.
Some people never change.
I wish it was this clear cut, but as a man who's been on both sides, it's not easy to explain my actions. A relationship is a companion on my life journey, though mostly transient. We find others that we better align ourselves with, yet still have a bond with the other. We wish to find THE ONE, but even after matrimony, cheating still happens.
The only thing I ask from my relationships now is honesty. Everything else follows . . . hopefully.
Look....to call someone shallow because sex is not regarded as the most important facet of a relationship is simply facile.
Some times the sex dries up and "cheating begins" but a relationship comes through it, or the sex dries up and no cheating occurs.
Where do you get this one eyed view of the world with little boxes to put everyone into.
I cant remember who but a very valid point was made that humans are not monogomous which is a proven point since cavemen times. I think too many hollywood endings, have projected this one partner at a time, one partner for life image as the only way forward for a true and righteous relationship.
I for one have cheated and been cheated upon. I do not particularly feel myself or women who have cheated on me are either evil, cowards or especially shallow. Yes they may have made a misjudgement, or alternatively they may have just performed the best desicion they ever made. Every situation is different, and the the only person qualified in making a judgement call about the in and outs of having two partners at one time is yourself. End of
Some times two people are attacted to each other sexually and have sex. It can be great sex, crap sex, or even your total connection on all levels sex. At the end of the day it is just sex. It doesnt have to nor should alaways be a connection at all levels. Sometimes it can be FUN, or sexy, or kinky, or dangerous, or nasty, which doesnt diminish it, or over sensationalise it.
I weary of the illiterate...
See, I'm sure you love going around telling people they have one eye or whatever it is you babbled on about there, but why you can't read my post properly is something so tiresome that I'm having a hard time responding offensively yet informatively.
First of all - if you seriously expected me to cite every single reason that could be applicable to everybody in the world, then you're a dick. The post is general, read it as such.
Secondly, I didn't give reasons for why people cheat. That's not what the post's about. The post is about why people cheat and then try to justify it. There is a difference, and perhaps one day, you will be patient and not fucking retarded enough to not skim read before opening your fat maw. I'm not holding my breath.
Thirdly - I didn't, and nor did anybody, ever, say that sex was the most important part of a relationship. Whose poor arse did you pull that from?
People cheat for billions of different reasons. And I've posted on how humans aren't naturally monogamous before. Go there and agree with me, if you must, but stop picking other random posts of mine to put forced, nonsense comments underneath.
So cheers for wasting more of my time, trying to explain something I explained perfectly well in the first fucking place. Cheers very much, you lazy pompous cunt.
And yes - if you cheat on someone, because sex is "just sex" and therefore it is fine to stick your fantastically tiny willy into whatever random whores you can get nasty with during your relationship, then you are the most shallow bastard I've seen here yet. Good day.
1. The Cowards
The ones that don’t see sex with their partner as the be-all and end-all of all physical pleasures
Thirdly - I didn't, and nor did anybody, ever, say that sex was the most important part of a relationship
uhm if not directly sayin it, you have certainly implied it. So i suppose the poor arse i pulled that one from was your zit ridden hairy crack.
Honestly, I can't help it if you can't read.