The Salmon and their Waterfalls

When salmon breed, they swim upstream to do so. That’s because salmon are fucking idiots, and that’s why we eat them. But before putting them in a bagel full of cream cheese, we should consider their plight:

Out of seven hundred thousand salmon swimming upstream to breed, only a few hundred make it to the end; most of which are killed by predators knowing that knackered salmon are on the way. The survivors birth three baby salmon, of which two usually die.

This is a bad sign for breakfasts everywhere, but you have to admire their determination to be stupid. They mimic us in our search for love.

Yep. Replace “salmon” with “couples” and “swimming upstream” with “falling in love” and “baby salmon” with “the eternal fucking Venus”, and it’s a situation we can relate to. Okay, I made up the statistics, because the cunts have disabled google at work, but I think they’ll do for the point I’m making.

I’ve swum up that stream, trying to birth the Venus, more times than I’d care to remember. At first I’d fuck up when I saw a waterfall.

Me: “Swim up a fucking waterfall?”
Other salmon: “Yes! Come on, it’s not hard!”
Me: “It’s a fucking waterfall!”
Other salmon: *swimswimswimjump* Come on!
Me: Fuck that, I’m going back to the pond.
Other salmon: You swear too much, salmon -argh! A net!
Me: Cretins.

After a while, I’d swim but get fucked over by my partner. Usually on a waterfall.

Other times we’d lose our way or each other.

Sometimes there was an impasse.

Once I got attacked by a duck.

But now, through all my failed attempts, I’m quite good at swimming the river. There are ways up the waterfalls and routes around the ducks. I don’t claim to know them all, but I think I could make it to the end - if only I could find someone to do it with. And that’s the cunt. I never have.

So what’s happened now is strange. I’ve met someone who is already at the end, waiting for me.

(Here endeth the salmon analogy.)

She was already in love with me. We met in Boston, for the first time, this month.

It was perfect.

We have the ocean between us.

But perhaps, this time, it will work.